


Come Back to Me

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [10]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bathing/Washing, Character Development, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erotica, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Slash, Medical Procedures, One Big Happy Family, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Requited Unrequited Love, Romance, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Shower Sex, Slash, Sleeping Together, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Stargate, Sweet, Team Bonding, Team as Family, lots of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:22:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 57,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .In their own repressed way, John and Rodney have pretty much been dating the entire last 5 years of the expedition.But now as John comforts and nurses Rodney back to health, their romance deepens; no longer having to deny the truth of being in a real relationship with each other..





	1. Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> .  
>  _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _This part of the story takes place Post-Canon_ (after the end of the show):  
> .  
> .  
> .  
>  Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> Since Atlantis ( the Ancient city/ship) has just returned from the Pegasus galaxy to fight off the recently repelled attack of the alien Wraith, it now holds Earth's only effective defense against further incursions.  
> With the weapons chair at Area 51 destroyed, it will be anyone's guess how politics and military aspects unfold in the future for Stargate Command at their base of operations at Cheyanne mountain. But for John and Rodney, all that matters right now is getting rescued and recovering from their recent ordeal.  
> *Because the Pegasus expedition was jointly run by the military (SGC or Stargate Command) and the civilian IOA (International Oversight Advisory), it's common for people to be referred to by either their first or last names.  
> -Colonel John Sheppard is the military commander and 2nd in command of Atlantis. The other 3 members of his personal team are: Dr. Rodney McKay, a genius astrophysicist, Ronon, and Teyla (both powerful fighters originally from the Pegasus galaxy)  
> Other characters:  
> -Dr. Carson Beckett and Dr. Jennifer Keller: chief medical staff on Atlantis  
> -Mr. Woolsey: An IOA civilian, now 1st in command at Atlantis  
> -Dave Sheppard: A wealthy industrialist and John's brother  
> -Jeanie Miller: Rodney's sister, also a gifted physicist but a politically liberal stay at home Mom  
> -Dr. Daniel Jackson: The archeologist who discovered how to operate the alien stargates, and responsible for the discovery of Atlantis; also an original member of the 1st team formed at Cheyenne mountain since Stargate Command became operational about 12 years ago.  
> -Vala Mal Doran: An SGC team member who more recently joined Dr. Jackson's team.  
> .

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Upon rescue, John refuses to leave Rodney's side or stop holding him regardless of how it looks to others._  
> .

.  
.

Somewhere in the middle of the night John is startled awake. Something is happening...

 

They're going to have to kill him before he lets them take Rodney again. Using his body to shield him, he can feel Rodney shaking under the cocoon of the thin blanket.

 

Heavy footsteps, then the sound of the cell door being thrown open... Figures in the dark coming for them...

 

“NO!!” John whips the wooden bowl up with his fist, hoping it will add some heft to his fight.

 

“Colonel Sheppard! Dr. McKay! We’re here to get you out.”

 

He practically falls off the cot in relief and exhaustion, not having eaten in days. Thank God. He recognizes Sam in the forefront and hears other voices shouting in the distance. The building shakes with an explosion. C4?

 

“We need to get you guys out of here!” Sam is shouting to him.

 

“Rodney’s injured.” John shakes his head, “Can’t walk. Gotta carry him.”

 

“You look pretty bad yourself.” Sam calls out, “Lieutenant?”

 

A huge man walks over to them and Sam tells him, “Lieutenant, we have a man down, I need you to carry him.”

 

“Yes, sir” The man affirms her order; as easily as Ronon might have, he bends down and scoops Rodney's half conscious and limp body up in his cocoon.

 

Sam assures John, “We’re not reading any other life signs right now, but I just want to get you both to safety while we have our people go over the place. She gives John a locater beacon, telling him that his transmitter has been removed.

 

“Yeah.” John is bitter, “Figured that one out.”

 

The Odyssey beams them into the SGC compound at Cheyenne mountain and the Lieutenant sets Rodney down on a gurney. His head lolls to the side, his eyes glazed dull. 

 

John gratefully dons the hospital gown handed to him and reaches for Rodney, "Mere. You with me? We're safe now."

 

He doesn't answer but at least he's stopped shaking, some part of him is registering what's going on. There is a flash of light and then suddenly Sam is there with them.

 

"Colonel, we were worried we weren't going to find you." Sam sighs, “We never would have even know to be looking if it weren’t for your brother.”

 

“My _brother_?” John screws up his face in utter confusion.

 

“Long story.” Sam tells him, “But some of his business dealings uncovered information about the people who took you. He alerted us to the fact that you and McKay might be in danger.”

 

“So,” John lifts his brows in shock, slowly shaking his head, “how did you even find us?”

 

“Thanks again to your brother.” Sam glances to Rodney with concern, “He actually wanted to join the rescue mission but I had to explain this was a military operation. You’ll have to ask him about it.”

 

“So… he has clearance?” John asks in disbelief.

 

“After he came to us, we had him sign a non-disclosure.” Sam nods, “So you're free to speak with him.”

 

“Really.” John's mouth drops open with a stunned pause.

 

A doctor walks into the room and Sam greets her, “Dr. Lam, we have some people for you to check out.”

 

“Him first.” John points to Rodney.

 

“Okay.” Dr. Lam smiles, walking to the side of the gurney, she reaches for him.

 

“No! No! J-John!” Rodney snaps back, huddling into himself; wide-eyed with terror he takes in their new surroundings. 

 

“It’s okay, buddy,” John quickly returns to his side, “I’m right here, I'm not going anywhere.”

 

“No-no-no-please. John, don’t let them!”

 

He swallows nervously, feeling Rodney shake like a leaf under his touch while he rubs his back.

 

“Then I'll need to give him a sedative first.” Dr. Lam sighs and turns away to get one.

 

“John?" Rodney clutches at his blanket fearfully, "Please. No more.” 

 

He doesn’t care how it looks, John bends down and wraps his arms around him, “I’m right here, Mere. No one’s going to hurt you now. I won’t let them.”

 

The panic seems to subside a bit, but he still clutches the blanket so hard his knuckles are white.

 

When John looks up at Sam to see her reaction, there is only compassion on her face, “My God," her voice drops low, "what happened out there?”

 

John wouldn’t even know where to begin, he squeezes his eyes and shuts everything out for moment. Everything except Rodney in his arms.

 

Dr. Lam enters the room again, this time with some helpers. She tells her assistants to help hold Dr. McKay’s arms while she gives him an injection, gesturing for John to move out of the way.

 

“No! No! John!” Rodney starts to panic again. 

 

Keeping his hold on Rodney, John gives Dr. Lam a hard look, “I'm not letting go of him. He needs help, but not like this."

 

It’s all right, Mere.” he leans in with a soft whisper, “We’ve just got to fix you up, okay?”

 

But Rodney is hyperventilating and shaking his head.

 

“What if you give the injection while I hold him.” He offers Lam a compromise. 

 

“All right." She doesn’t look happy about it, "But if this doesn’t work, we do it my way.”

 

“Okay,” John whispers close again, “I’m going to hold you, and all you have to do is let her have an arm. Just for a second. And if this doesn't feel okay, I promise we'll figure something else out.”

 

Breathing unevenly, Rodney looks to him in fear.

 

“Try it? For me?” John coaxes.

 

Turning his head like he's trying to escape everyone in the room, Rodney peaks one of his hands out from under the blanket. John keeps a protective arm around his shoulders, and with his other one, he closes his hand into Rodney's, gently pulling it from its hiding place.  

 

Dr. Lam and Sam both gasp a little when they see the deep cuts the bindings left on his wrist and forearm.

 

“Okay.” Dr. Lam quickly dismisses sentiment and readies her syringe.

 

Without restraining him, John lightly holds Rodney’s hand. 

 

When Dr. Lam touches his arm, Rodney flinches but doesn’t pull away; But he pleads with John, “Oh God. I can’t, I can’t.”

 

“You’re doing it, Mere,” John reassures him, “you’re almost there, you’re… You’re done.”

 

Recoiling back into the blanket, Rodney looks even more afraid than he did before. There is something about the terror in his eyes and John senses he's about to crack. 

 

“We’ll give that a minute to kick in and then we’ll get to work.” Lam informs them dryly.

 

“No-no-no-no-no. John?” Rodney grabs at him frantically, “You can’t let her touch me! Please! I don’t want anyone except you and Carson. Pl-please! Oh God!” His voice cracks and he looks to Sam, “Please don’t do this to me, Sam. You wouldn’t do this to me?!”

 

She gapes at them, unsure of how to respond.

 

“You said you wouldn’t let them hurt me?" He begs John again, "Please, please don’t. Only Beckett -only Beckett. Please, I want to go home.”

 

“Okay, Mere, whatever you need.” John strokes Rodney’s uninjured back tenderly, “I won’t let anyone touch you, just give a me minute and I'll get this figured out, yeah?”

 

Rodney makes a pained noise and reluctantly lets go of John's hand. As he walks over to Sam, John hates seeing him hunch into himself and muttering.

 

Steadying his gaze at her, he speaks so only she can hear him, “We're not doing anything against his consent right now. We're gonna get him back to Atlantis to see Carson -his doctor. The Odyssey can do it in a heartbeat...

 

The only way you’re gonna be able to treat him here is if you render him unconscious." John winces, imagining how damaging that would be to Rodney's psyche, "And to do that you’ll have to get through me first.”

 

“I’ll tell them to expect you.” Sam nods without any argument.

 

He exhales in relief and returns to Rodney's side, pulling his arms back around him and rocking him gently out of his terrified stupor, "We're gonna get you home now."

 

Rodney nods and scrambles closer into him. When he is calm enough, John helps him into a wheelchair. He holds his hand tightly as they wait to be beamed into the Atlantis infirmary. Checking the clock, John calculates the time difference. It's late. Later still on the West coast. Good, no one should be up to bother them and Rodney will have some privacy. 

 

Sam returns to tell them that Dr. Beckett is ready and standing by with a medical team. She gazes at John with a look of surprised appreciation on her face and he realizes that in all her time on Atlantis, she'd probably only seen them bantering and bickering with each other.

 

There would have been no way for her to know how much is really between them. Whether she thinks it's just a close friendship or something more, he can’t tell. 

 

As the Odyssey radios in, she smiles warmly, “Good luck.”

 

In a flash, he and Rodney are beamed into the infirmary. Carson and a couple of his assistants appear in front of them.

 

He keeps holding Rodney’s hand but leans in with a quiet voice, “Ah, Carson?”

 

“Colonel Sheppard.” 

 

“This is,” John tries to keep his voice low, “ah, going to need to be a private visit.”

 

He starts to object, “But I-”

 

“Carson.” John cuts him off with a grave look, “Private.”

 

“Very well.” Carson gives in and turns to his assistants, “I guess you two can go back to bed.”

 

After they leave Carson tells John, “All right, well, you can just wait over there.”

 

Rodney clutches into his hand as he explains, “Well, not that private.”

 

“What kind of medical emergency is this?" Carson gives them a confused look, "Colonel Carter said you were beaming in from Cheyenne Mountain...”

 

“I just don’t think Rodney wants me to leave.” Turning to Rodney he asks, “Do you want me to leave?”

 

“No-no-no-no.” Rodney looks at Carson in dread, “I- don’t make him leave.”

 

“I changed my mind.” Rodney whips his head back to John, “I can’t do this. God, please don’t make me do this, I can’t. I can’t!”

 

Kneeling down in front of him, John lightly strokes the side of Rodney’s face that isn’t swelling. He smoothes his hand up into his hair to calm him, but God, he looks so miserable.

 

“Mere… I’m right here," He gazes into Rodney’s eyes with deep love, trying to transmit the feeling through his expression, "I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Rodney’s breath begins to slow as he blinks vulnerably, leaning his head into John's caresses, he whimpers, "Wish we could just... disappear away." 

 

“We can do this.” Bringing Rodney's hand up to his lips, he speaks softly against his skin, “We’ve got Carson now, just like you wanted. We’ll get you fixed and you’ll feel so much better… okay?”

 

Finally Rodney nods and John smiles. Starting to stand, without thinking about it, he finds himself cradling Rodney’s face and kissing his forehead before bending back up.

 

Then he becomes acutely aware of Carson standing next to them. Threading his fingers through Rodney's, he shuffles uncomfortably as he takes in Carson’s shocked expression.

 

“Okay boys,” Carson shakes his head and steps behind the wheelchair, “private room, this way.”

 

As they push forward, John explains that Rodney will need help getting up into the gurney. “He can’t walk or put weight on his feet.”

 

“What the hell were you two up to?” Carson frowns at him.

 

“I didn’t do this!” John chokes.

 

“No, all right.” Carson is patient, “I just mean... what happened? How bad are the injuries?”

 

“It’s... real bad.” John bites his lip, “I can tell you where he’s hurt. I- I’ve been tending to him the last couple of days, as best I could… All I had was water, and oh... his blood sugar has gotta be really low by now. There was hardly anything to eat.”

 

“What about you?” Carson studies John.

 

“I’m fine.” He waves his bloodied hand, “You can look at me later. Rodney needs your help.”

 

“All right.” Carson's expression grows more worried as he looks down at Rodney huddled into the dirty blanket, his hand clinging to John's. “Tell me what I need to know .”

 

“Okay,” John swallows, “blood sugar, got that. Um, bruises and wounds on his chest... tried to clean them but they look infected. He's been beaten, you can see the swelling on his face."

 

Clearing his throat, John speaks haltingly, so low Carson has to lean in to hear him, "Um, his arms… were tied. And, uh, the bindings cut into his skin. I don’t know if you can do anything about that but… Okay, his feet are pretty mangled…  they’ve been burned and cut open, I figure you can stitch up the cuts... Um, some toes are broken... ”

 

"Good Lord." Carson pales.

 

John sighs and closes his eyes, he can barely hear himself, “They, uh, had him…”

 

“What’s that?” Carson leans closer with his ear to John's mouth.

 

“They...” John's whole face winces as he tries to continue, the words scratching out, barely audible, “They, tortured him physically," he shutters as the words finally escape him, "and sexually…” 

 

“So,” John speaks in a normal voice again and realizes he's shaking, “it’s bad.”

 

Carson places a sympathetic hand on his friend’s shoulder and he flinches involuntarily, “Oh. Rodney.”

 

“Let’s get him up on the bed.” Carson nods to John with a determined look; to Rodney he says softly, “You ready, lad?”

 

Rodney flashes wide eyes to John and nods. Reaching down, the two of them time it together and lift him up smoothly. Carson moves the wheelchair out of the way and places a regular seat next to the front of the bed.

 

“You can sit there and hold his hand if you like.” He tells John.

 

He follows obediently, scooting the chair even closer. Resting his arm comfortably around Rodney, he begins to sink. God, he's so tired. And he should really eat something.

 

As if reading his mind, Carson hands them both tubes of glucose to help their blood sugar levels.

 

Watching as Carson takes Rodney’s vitals, John feels less floaty and alert again. So far, he's let Rodney keep the blanket, working cautiously around it. He's given Rodney local anesthetic shots and another painkiller ...or was it some kind of anti-anxiety? Rodney's eyes droop a little sleepy, but he keeps a tight grip on John's hand.

 

He begins the serious work on Rodney’s feet first; it takes Carson some time to disinfect, stitch them up, and set the toes. After he finishes bandaging them, he treats the arms next.

 

When Carson lowers the blanket to look at his chest, Rodney digs his hand into John’s. Whispering reassurances and petting his head, John distracts him as Carson carefully checks for any broken ribs or signs of other fractures on his swollen face. 

 

“I’m going to have to get you under a scanner to be sure…” He mumbles with a relieved expression.

 

Then tentatively and methodically he begins to disinfect those wounds and bandage them as well. 

 

Finally, he looks up to Rodney, “All right laddie, we're almost done. Think you're ready for the last part?" 

 

With a small whimper, Rodney pinches John's fingers in a vice grip. 

 

"We're almost there," John brushes his face lightly to his, "You're looking so much better now."

 

“I know,” Carson is sympathetic, “but it’s just you and me and John. I promise we won’t hurt you and if you need us to stop, we stop.”

 

“What do I have to…” Rodney sounds anxious but at least he isn’t hyperventilating. 

 

“Well,” Carson pulls out a gown, "first of all, I want you to put this on and get rid of...this” Even though he has gloves on, he tugs at the dirty blanket as if he's afraid Rodney's going to catch something from it.

 

Whipping his hand out of John’s, Rodney pulls the blanket completely around himself again.

 

“Here," John stands up and takes the gown from Carson, "Mere, I’ll help you and  we’ll do it together… How 'bout I pull the gown around you first and then we get rid of the blanket?”

 

Apprehensively dragging his gaze up, Rodney relents with a sigh, sitting up and lifting his arms in surrender so John can pull the garment around him. Before he changes his mind, John quickly straightens it down around him and ties the strings in the back.

 

“Okay. you think you're ready to get rid of this thing?” by the look on his face it doesn't seem that way, so John continues, “We’ll wait for you to be ready.”

 

Carson hands John a clean blue cotton one as a replacement, it feels soft and slightly warm. 

 

"I think you'll like this one better." Carson urges.

 

Some of the tension falls from Rodney’s shoulders and he relaxes, giving a sad nod.

 

As Carson pulls the blanket away, John smoothes out the length of the gown,  then folds the warm blanket around his lap. Rodney nervously clutches at the neck of the hospital garment, then reaches for his new blanket.

 

"Better?" Carson asks.

 

Rodney gives a hunched uneven nod.

 

Talking him through what he's doing, Carson lifts the front portion of the gurney up to support Rodney's back. Then at the end of the bed, he pulls out some stirrups.

 

“John?” Rodney’s face fills with dread.

 

“I’m here, Mere.” John trails his fingers lightly on the back of Rodney’s neck, he's starting to hyperventilate again. “It’s okay, it's okay, we're right here with you.” 

 

His breathing gets worse, choking a bit with each inhale as he rests his feet on the stirrups. Shaking visibly, John tries to soothe him by folding his hand through his. 

 

"You're being very brave, Rodney." Carson smiles at him compassionatley,"Now I'm just going to release this lever so I can take a closer look. The first thing I want to do is give you some local anesthetic to the area." He presses a lever and the back portion of the bed drops down with a slight metallic squeak.

 

“NO!!” The sudden scream tears out of him,“No-no-no-no! I can't-that’s what they did to me! They had me in a thing like this…” Waving them back in panic, Rodney clamors to the front of the bed with a sobbing howl, “Noooo-no-no!! Please get me off this thing! John?”

 

Instantly lifting him off the gurney, he places him gingerly in the armchair, stroking his back, "Oh, Mere. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

 

“Well,” Carson sighs in concern, “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to examine you properly without-”

 

“We’ll find another way.” John cuts him off.

 

Retrieving the wheelchair, Carson suggests, "Perhaps it's better to start with the scan then." 

 

John has an idea and tells them to wait; pilfering several pillows from other infirmary beds, he returns with them and nods, "Okay, scanner?"

 

On the way to the room, Carson informs John that he'll be wanting to scan him as well. Figuring it might help Rodney, he goes first. The machine whirs and Carson reads the screen.

 

"Everything okay?" John asks.

 

"Luckily, it seems so." Carson frowns, “Are there any other wounds other than your hands?”  

 

“No,” John answers bitterly, “just the self inflicted kind…” he hops down and returns to Rodney's side.

 

“Okay lad, you ready?” Carson asks gently.

 

He gives a small shrug of assent and they help Rodney up onto the machine. John makes sure to tuck his blanket securely around him. Holding his breath he still can't help the fear that something else is wrong, something even worse than all this. 

 

Carson finally announces that nothing is broken or fractured, and no internal bleeding.

 

_'No internal bleeding.'_ John sags in relief; he'd been so afraid he was going to lose Rodney the way he lost Lyle, "Hey." he pets Rodney's brow, "So I had this idea about the pillows, like we could use them for support, if you were positioned-" 

 

“Right.” Rodney cuts him off, as if the two of them are on a mission solving a problem. “If I'm on my stomach, I could bend my knees forward, and that should allow... access.”

 

“Yeah.” John lifts the edges of his mouth in a sad smile.

 

It seems to work best to let Rodney feel in control of the process, so they let him handle the positioning. John moves to the front and offers Rodney his hands.

 

He grips into them gratefully and sighs like he's trying to reconcile himself to this exposure, “Ready."

 

He flinches as Carson touches him and grips John’s wrists. “You’re doing so good, Mere. We’re almost through this.”

 

"I'm just going to inject you with something to numb the area. You're going to feel a pinch from the anesthetic needle-"

 

Rodney yelps and winces his eyes shut. 

 

“Almost. We’re almost done.” John keeps murmuring.

 

“Still hurts.” Rodney squeaks out.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Carson apologizes, “Another shot should do it."

 

Grunting out and inhaling with a small choke of a hiccup, he kneads into John's hands, waiting for it to pass.

 

"I'm sorry lad, that's the worst of it. You won't feel a thing now." Carson assures him, "Now I just have to clean this and make sure… This is going to take some time to heal, but with a few stitches I don’t see why will they'll be any permanent damage. 

 

Rodney rocks his head slightly, a blank look glazing over his eyes as Carson tends to him. John knows he must need to go away a little bit to deal with this. He lets him grind his fingers into his damaged hand and strokes over his head rhythmically to the hypnotic sway. 

 

"I'm just finishing the last stitch now." Carson continues to talk through his process, "And just applying a topical antibiotic ointment. Okay, there we go. I’m all done.”

 

Coming to life suddenly, Rodney flips over and hugs his knees into his chest; he looks so afraid. John hugs his long arms all the way around him and Rodney leans his head into him with relief.

 

“So we're done?” John asks wearily.

 

“Almost,” Carson sounds regretful, “I still need to draw blood from you both, and I’ve got to bandage those bloody hands of yours, get you some medication before you can get back to your... “

 

“Come to think of it,” Carson cocks his head at John, “you don’t have quarters here any more. You can stay here or is there somewhere else you want to go? 

 

Sleepily rubbing an eye John, answers without pause, “Rodney’s.” Then he wonders how Carson knows he doesn’t have quarters anymore… Rodney must have told him.

 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Carson worries his brow at Rodney, wondering if this new apparent closeness between them is due to the extreme trauma, the need for comfort… Or is it something more? He can’t be sure, but he's certainly never seen John act this way with Rodney.

 

“Well, I suppose it's your good luck he still has his quarters." Carson proceeds hesitantly. "I'm sure you can stay there a wee bit while Rodney recovers in the infirmary." 

 

He catches Rodney giving John a grave look and shaking his head.

 

John translates, “Rodney wants you to know there's no way in hell he's  staying here. He’s going back to his quarters tonight.”

 

“I'm sorry," Carson balks, "but he's going to need round the clock care and treatment for some time.” 

 

"And I'll do it." John asserts himself forcefully, "Whatever it takes. You can check up on him and if there's something I can't do, you'll show me."

 

Sighing in frustration, Carson shakes his head, "The medical staff here can provide the appropriate medical supervision, they're trained for this." John has no idea how much care Rodney is going to need; he won't even be able to walk for weeks, let alone- " 

 

"I can do it." John growls, "I'm taking care of Rodney and that's final. There's no way he'll accept staying here."

 

Carson takes in the determined and terrified look on Rodney's face as he speaks up, "I'll crawl out of here on my hands and knees if I have to, Carson. I can't face anyone right now. I can't have them know-"

 

His voice cracks, "Unless you plan to keep me tied up like they did, you can't stop me."

 

"Alright Rodney," Carson pales and turns to John, "I'll need to check on him every day. This is going to be a full time job for the next few weeks, maybe months. Unless you're really prepared to-"

 

"I can do this Carson!" John gestures in exasperation.

 

"I guess we'll see." Carson tries to think how he could possibly explain everything Rodney needs, "You can't get any of the bandages wet, I'll need to change them every day, make sure the stitches are healing properly. If he moves around even just a bit too much, they'll tear. He has a low grade infection how and it could spiral out of control..." he trails off for a moment. "I'll have to show you how to change the IV fluids, administer the antibiotics and painkillers on a very strict regimen..."

 

"I can do this." John's eyes are resolute and haunted with lines of grief.

 

Against his better judgement, Carson begins explaining to John in detail all of the possible problems and warning signs as he finishes cleaning and disinfecting Rodney.

 

Drawing their blood and bandaging John’s hands, he realizes that he'll need to bring up a good deal of monitoring equipment to be sure. Finally he moves on to writing out a detailed schedule for the fluids, and medications, how to handle the sutures... It's late and he's probably forgotten something, but he'll check in on them first thing in the morning. Maybe he can convince Rodney to return to the infirmary with him then.

 

“Are we done?"  John leans over his shoulder, "We finally going to be able to sleep?”

 

“No,” Carson takes his arm and pulls him aside, “I need to talk to you.”

 

Shifting his weight, he tries to think of what he needs to say, “Rodney's things are still there, just mostly in boxes… I know you used to sleep on his couch sometimes.”

 

“Okay?” John looks uncomfortable.

 

“It’s just…” Carson spits out what is on his mind, “Please, be careful with my friend… He’s very, very fragile right now… I don’t want to see him hurt any more than he already has been.”

 

John bites his lip, there is a solemn, open expression about him; much different than his usual air of carefree detachment. Carson doesn't think he’s ever seen it before.

 

“I will take immense care with him, I promise.” John's tone is sincere, almost pleading for Carson to believe him. 

 

Maybe he shouldn't be so mistrustful of John, but he knows he's hurt Rodney in the past and can't let that happen now; Carson smiles tersely, “Good. Okay, just so we understand each other. I'll be watching everything and no matter what Rodney says, right now I make the final decisions about what's in the best interests of his care.”

 

"I understand. I'll do everything you tell me to." John nods soberly , not seeming to begrudge Carson his protectiveness, “And I promise I won’t give you any cause to doubt me.”

 

"I don't just mean his medical care. His emotional state..." Carson scrutinizes John, "It's not something I'm inclined to trust you with but I don't want to upset him any further tonight."

 

"Please let me help." John's voice pinches as his face goes drawn and sallow, "You can't know how much I need to make this better. I'd do _anything_..." John winces and hangs his head.

 

Feeling a pang of guilt, Carson reminds himself that John is his patient right now as well. Whatever Rodney's been through, John hasn't escaped the damage either. Maybe they need each other right now but he'll have to keep a very close eye on them both.

 

"I'm concerned for your welfare too, Colonel."

 

"It's been a while since you called me that off duty... _Beckett_." John sounds tired and resigned but he squares his shoulders. "It's clear you don't trust me with this, but I'd die protecting him. You do what you have to, and I'll do the same."

 

"Carson?" Rodney sounds shaky and when he he turns, he sees his friend trembling, eyes darting around the room fearfully.

 

John is instantly by his side, folding down to his knees to take Rodney in his arms, whispering something just between the two of them; then he levels a look at Carson, "You're staff isn't trained to give him what he really needs right now."

 

On some level he knows John is right. Rodney wasn't calling for  _his_ help, he's just afraid Carson isn't going to let him leave with John.

 

"Okay Rodney," He sighs and bends down to give John the bag of medical supplies and instructions; he hands him a stack of powerbars as well, "Make sure he eats before he goes to sleep, his-"

 

"Blood sugar." John interrupts, "I know. I carry extra for him on every mission."

 

"Carson." Rodney blinks his drowsy eyes fully open, his voice taking a tone, "There's a lot you don't know. _Especially_ now."

 

"Alright then, private room it is." Carson leaves it for night, "But I'll be seeing you first thing in the morning."

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	2. Dignity's overrated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John gives Rodney a luxurious sponge bath._  
> .

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As John wheels Rodney to the transport, they devour the powerbars. No one is awake to question them as they make the final leg of the journey. John opens the door with his mind and it obeys, as it always does, when he focuses the control his ancient gene gives him.

 

The room is unusually stark, without Rodney's usual clutter, just boxes stacked along the wall. The bed, Rodney’s luxurious king sized bed, remains intact but bare. No rest yet.

 

“Rodney?” Somehow it sounds foreign to call him that name now.

 

“Oh, yeah.” Rodney looks at the room with exhaustion.

 

“Where would..." John walks into the room staring at the boxes, "bedding be?”  He tugs at the hospital gown he is wearing, “Or clothes?”

 

Pointing from his wheelchair Rodney directs as John pulls out the sheets and makes the bed. He wheels himself over before John gets the comforter on.

 

“Sheets.” He mumbles.

 

“Yeah." John looks at him quizzically. "Sheets.” 

 

“I mean… military.” Rodney moves his hand over the taut surface, looking  sleepy but with a tiny, teasing smile.

 

“Oh.” John grins and runs his hand over the smooth surface, “Right, it’s nice to have a well made bed, isn’t it?”

 

“Just gonna get messed up again anyway.” Rodney gives an almost playful shrug.

 

Fluffing the pillows and spreading the comforter, John folds down an edge and  reaches down to lifts Rodney up onto the bed.

 

He thinks through the instructions. Rodney won't need more IV fluids until morning, he's had all his medications for tonight… unless he needs- “Mere, do you need any pain medication right now?”

 

Rodney shakes his head. Right, he's already had two injections tonight.

 

“Okay.” John nods and fetches them some clothes. He puts on a silly shirt that says ‘I’m with Genius’ that has a big arrow pointed up toward the head of the wearer. It's too short on John’s long torso and leaves a few inches exposed, but the boxers fit well enough. 

 

He brings back a comfortable T-shirt and boxers for Rodney. Sitting on the bedside, John strokes the sides of Rodney's arms then rests his hands on his shoulders, “Mere?”

 

Lifting up his arms, Rodney lets John pull off the gown. He waits outstretched until John pulls the soft cotton shirt over him.

 

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* * *

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Without thinking about it, Rodney leans back onto the pillow, giving John access to pull the boxers up for him. But once he's dressed, he starts to feel self-conscious. Probably he could have done that himself. He's gotten too used to John tending to him.

 

He won’t make John dress him again, he'll try to do as much for himself as he can from now on. He can't be a burden, then John will leave. When he's here, Rodney feels safe... almost safe enough. And somehow he makes Rodney doubt that he's as worthless as he feels. But he just can't seem too needy, he has to do whatever he can to keep John from leaving again.

 

The lights go out and Rodney’s eyes adjust to the dim moonlight.

 

John's looking back at him. God, the way he's looking at him, it feels like he could almost still feel some kind of love. Is it possible? Or was that all just another phantom dream? Everything feels detached and disconnected from fact or fiction.

 

Longing so much to be closer, he moves awkwardly on the bed. But John is already there, taking Rodney in his arms. He melts into him as they fit together, a perfect knowing that's always been between them. Breathing softly into the embrace, tangled up in him, it feels like everything makes sense; or even if nothing does... it doesn't matter.  

 

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* * *

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John pulls Rodney closer and he buries into the crook of John's neck with shallow uneven sighs

“Isthis real... really over? Are we...” Rodney's fingers reach up,ghosting over John's features, like he's trying to memorize the angles by touch, "Are you really here?"

“It's me, and we're here." But John can barely believe it himself; as if opening his eyes will dispel the dream and that place, thatdesperate, dank cement with the faint smell of his own vomit will suddenly reappear and they'll come back again, taking Rodney away from him.

His body shudders. This is real. They're here in a big bed, Rodney's bed. The air is tinged with the slight smell of antiseptic and clean cotton. They can't hurt him now, John won't ever let anyone hurt him now.

 

"You're back on Atlantis with me andI won't," He combs tenderly at the soft hair behind Rodney's temple and around his ear, "I won't fail you again. I'll keep you safe,I promise."  

Rodney moans, pained or relieved, John can'ttell. Still drifting lightly over John's features, the movement of his fingersslow. He shifts his head up, relaxing into John's shoulder. 

 

As John blinks, he feels his lashes brush against Rodney's skin. The quiet, broken relief of this small sensation pulls a tidal wave in his heart, a rush of love so strong it overwhelms him; he squeezes Rodney as tight as he dares.

“You give the best hugs.” Rodney murmurs sleepily, his hand sliding down to rest in the hollow of John's collarbone. 

Lips smilinginto Rodney's face, John cups his cheek and lets himself give a soft kiss there, “Cause I love you.”

Dreamy and half-conscious from the pain meds, Rodney mumbles something John can't make out; but at least he sounds better, maybe almost even a little happy. 

"It's okay." His fingertips tremble tentatively as Rodney's pets his face, "You can sleep, I've got you."

Exhausted as he is, John can't let himself rest, can't let his guard down or risk anything happening to Rodney again. There's too much stress in his system to let his tired body catch up anyway. At least holding Rodney like this, feeling him safe in his arms, it melts away the edges of rippling tension. Caressing the side of Rodney's face that's less swollen, he steels himself to stay awake and alert.

 

Even in his sleep, Rodney clings to him tightly. Then as the hours go by, he relaxes more deeply, draping over John instead.

 

John's own body aches with his own need to rest, his lids heavy and red-rigged, but he still can't let his guard down. When the dim light of morning sun begins to lick at the edge of the horizon, he tells himself he'll close his eyes -just for a few minutes, just to recharge a little.  

 

Suddenly he starts awake, realizing he's let himself drift off. But he hasn't lost much time; it's early, the sun is hazy and fresh in the sky. 

 

Still slumbering heavily, Rodney has rolled to his side, back nestled against him, he's wrapped himself around one of John's arm. Maybe it would be a good time to try to get him something to eat... Rodney never wakes early. But John hates the thought of leaving him alone, even for a few moments. Biting his lower lip, he places his hand over Rodney's and watches him carefully, weighing his decision.

 

Then cautiously lifting away, he leans over with a whisper, “Just gonna get you some food, Mere… Be right back.”

 

Rodney stays sound asleep as John twists himself out from the bed. As quickly as he can, he showers and finds something basic and black that almost fits him. He is going to have to borrow some clothes from Ronan, if this goes on much longer. He leaves a note for Rodney just in case he wakes before John gets back.

 

On the way to the mess hall, he runs into Woolsey. That's right, he forgot Woolsey is always up at crack of dawn.

 

Woolsey gives a consoling look, “I heard about what happened. From Colonel Carter and Dr. Beckett.”

 

John presses his lips together, unsure of what to say.

 

I’ve put you both on medical leave, pending Dr. Beckett’s medical review.” Woolsey tells him.”

 

“I guess I’m back, then.” John nods and smiles with a bit of a grimace.

 

“I hope so.” Woolsey smiles tightly.

 

“Wouldn't know where else to go.” John shrugs.

 

“Not exactly a rousing endorsement,” Woolsey’s mouth twists down slightly, “but I’ll take what I can get.”

 

“I’m going to need some quarters, though.” John lifts a finger.

 

“Of course.” Woolsey agrees.

 

“And I’m going to want them to be the ones next door to Rodney… I’m going to be tending to a lot of his medical recovery, so…”

 

“Well, those are some of the biggest, most coveted rooms, complete with balconies, but I suppose we can move whoever is there, for our returning military commander.” Woolsey adds, “Your things were recovered from the motel and should be arriving in a day or two. I’ll try to have your room ready by then.”

 

“I appreciate it.” John closes his eyes in a brief nod.

 

“Don’t mention it.” Woolsey says in voice that sounds like forced cheerfulness.

 

“I, uh,” John gestures to the door, “I, gotta go get McKay some food.”

 

It is easy to skirt around the few people who come to the cafeteria this early. None of them probably even knew he was gone, so he avoids conversation easily. John loads up everything he can find onto several trays and gets some of the MRE rations Rodney likes on the way back to the room. Thankfully, he is still out when John gets back.

 

John strips out of the uncomfortable outfit and back into the ‘I’m with genius’ T-shirt and boxers. Petting Rodney’s shoulder so he won’t be startled by John’s movement, he climbs back into bed.

 

“Mmm.” Rodney makes a noise, and to wrap his arms around John again.

 

For a moment, John surrenders into the sweetness of the embrace. Rodney makes him forget everything, every pain, every fear, it all just slips away into lightheaded intoxication. There were a few times that they had held each other over the years, but it had always been so cautious, timed with a valid excuse.

 

Living through this trauma, having Rodney alive… it is such a relief. Wrapping his body completely around Rodney, he moves his hands over Rodney's back with familiarity. Despite his mental anguish John feels a kind of peaceful happiness.

 

He'd never told Rodney how he felt before and everything is known now. There is no reason to hold back. Even if Rodney doesn’t feel quite the same, John knows Rodney felt something for him, enough to break things off with Jennifer. Maybe one day…

 

“I love you so much” John whispers as he takes in another shallow dizzying breath. He lets his lips trace across Rodney’s neck, closes his eyes and lets finally lets himself sleep.

 

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* * *

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John wakes to the sensation of Rodney shaking violently in his arms.

 

“No! Please, no! Please, please. Agggghhhh!!”

 

“Mere.” John shakes Rodney hard, “Mere. Wake up. You’re okay now. Mere.”

 

Rodney sits up wildly his eyes darting around the room, still trembling. He shakes his head in dread, “No. No. No-o.”

 

Squirming out of John’s arms, Rodney throws himself out of the bed, crawling towards the bathroom on his hands and knees.

 

"Rodney! your stitches!" John leaps out after him and tries to reach for him,

 

But Rodney waves his hand back at him, “Mmmh. Toilet.”

 

John helps him the rest of the way to the toilet and Rodney immediaitly grabs the seat with his hands and wretches violently into the bowl. John wets a washcloth and sidles himself up around Rodney. Rodney is still gripping the bowl shaking with his mouth open.

 

As he dry heaves, and John places the cool towel on his neck, “Okay. Okay. I’m here Mere. It’s okay.”

 

Shaking his head and lurching forward, Rodney spills the contents of his stomach again. John didn’t think there was even anything in there. He wipes Rodney’s brow and forehead wondering if he should call Carson and admit he's already fucked up. Rodney looks so ill but the bandages on his feet show no signs of bleeding.

 

Rodney spits and gags a few more times. Then he drops his head again. John thinks he is going to throw up again and pets his back reassuringly.

 

“I want to die… I just want to die. I don’t want to be here anymore.” Rodney says flatly.

 

John stiffens in fear and holds onto Rodney’s shoulders firmly, “Well, I’m sorry, I can’t let you go.”

 

“I’m disgusting…” Rodney keeps his head lowered in shame, speaking into the bowl, “worthless… doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be this way anymore.”

 

“None of that is true.” John lifts Rodney upright fiercely, “I need you, Rodney. I love and I can’t lose you.”

 

As he wipes Rodney’s swollen mouth, John’s voice takes on the edge of a commander, “I’m sorry, but I won't let you go. You’re stuck with me, remember?”

 

“...disgusting.” Rodney stares at John numbly.

 

“No,” John stares back with intensity, his voice softens as he continues cleaning Rodney’s puffy face. “No, you’re not.”

 

One of the eyes is very bruised and the skin is tight and swelling around it.

 

John wipes the tears leaking from Rodney’s eyes. “Mere… I need you.” His heart lurches in fear at the thought of losing Rodney “Please, I need you… You’re… my love.” John pleads.

 

“I can’t. Oh, God. I can’t.” Rodney shakes his head but reaches out for John with a sob.

 

“Shhh. Okay.” John holds him and rocking him and petting him tenderly, “You don’t have to do it alone. We’ll get through this together.”

 

“I don’t know if I can.” Rodney's body collapses into him.

 

“If you get to a part you can’t do yourself, then I’ll figure out a way to do it for you, okay?” He hold Rodney’s shaking head in hands, “Like now... You thought you were going to have the dignity of throwing up alone…. but I made sure that didn’t happen, right?”

 

Rodney makes a noise that almost sounds like a laugh.

 

John leans back from the embrace to see Rodney’s expression, his eyes are wide and his face is streaked with tears. He smiles lightly and cups the side of Rodney’s face, “See? I can come in handy sometimes.”

 

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* * *

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Rodney’s body goes limp. Can John still really love him, after all this? It seems impossible.

 

“I brought you some food-” John tells him, but Rodney shakes his head at the thought.

 

“Still feel sick?” John asks.

 

Rodney nods.

 

“You know, it is my job to make sure that you eat and take your medication…. at some point” John admits.

 

For a moment Rodney opens his mouth to make some kind of sarcastic quip but he feels too dejected to manage.

 

“How about we get you cleaned up first, and then see if you can eat?” John asks.

 

“So much for dignity.” Rodney looks back at him sadly.

 

John kisses him chastely on this good cheek. He hold his lips there for a few breaths and whispers, “Dignity’s overrated.”

 

Rodney gives in. John could always make him do anything he wanted. He’s always had that kind of power over him. He’s always tried to hide it, to keep John from knowing just how much…

 

“I need to use the toilet again- And this time, I can do it on my own.” Rodney says with a bit embarrassment.

 

“I don’t know…” John gives him a doubtful look, “If I leave you in here alone are you going to try to end it all?” He adds playfully, “You know, just cause that would look very bad for me, as a commanding officer and all.”

 

Rodney gives him a withering look as John cleans the toilet and insists on lifting him onto the seat. He'd give anything for a shed dignity right now.

 

Finally John gives him some privacy, telling him on the way out, “I’ll give you 2 minutes and then I’m coming back in. I don’t care in if you’re in the middle of crap, I’m-”

 

“I’m not taking a-“ Rodney flushes red, “You know what? Just, just go.”

 

When John comes back into the bathroom he has some kind basin with him and some extra towels in his hands. He wonders what John has in mind.

 

“See I had this idea,” Johns lays a large towel down on the bathroom floor and then folds some of the towels into rolls, “that if you lay down with some of these supporting your back, Then I could lean your head back into the basin…”

 

Right. The stitches. He'd forgotten that he isn't allowed to shower properly.

 

He offers Rodney a towel and Rodney frowns, “They're just going to get wet.”

 

John gives him leary look, "I think we'll manage if they do."

 

He insists on helping Rodney get out his clothes to keep him from moving too much. Rodney hugs his bandaged chest protectively as John helps him out of his boxers.

 

"Here. Give me your arm." John is saying as he pulls it over his shoulder.

 

Rodney sighs as John places a strong arm under Rodney's knees and bends him down to lie flat on the pile of towels. It's actually less unpleasant than he thought it would be. He wonders where John got the basin. Probably from the kitchen. It's more comfortable to bend his knees so he lets his bandaged feet rest lightly on the floor.

 

John sits by head with a basin full of warm water and runs his hand softly over Rodney's brow, "You okay, Mere?"

 

Rodney blinks and points to a bottle in the shower; he uses a bossy tone to cover his embarrassment, “Use that one… Yeah, that one. It's better for my skin.”

 

“What about shampoo?” John asks.

 

Rodney points to his combo shampoo and conditioner to John, "It's not hypoallergenic like the body wash but, you know, but ah, it doesn't irritate my skin."

 

"Right." John gives him a half smile with that mocking look of his but his eyes are full of tenderness.

 

John returns to sit by Rodney’s head with his knees supporting him. He eases Rodney’s neck so so that his head falls comfortably back into the water.

 

As John’s fingers lightly massage his scalp, Rodney feels himself relax. He wonders if this is what it’s like when women go to the salon. It's so soothing, it feels like he could fall asleep again.

 

John takes his time before fingering some shampoo through his wet hair and washing it out. Rodney makes a contented noise.

 

Then John whispers something about getting clean water. He tries to sit up, but John stops him and props him in place some with towels.

 

When he returns, John takes Rodney’s head onto his lap and begins washing his skin with a warm washcloth. Rodney can smell his body wash and is pleasantly relaxed. So far this has been less undignifying than he thought it would be. He hugs his bandaged wrists over the bandages on his chest while John makes soothing circles with damp cloth, careful not to let any moisture get on them.

 

Dropping his arms to the side as the tension in him uncoils, John makes his way down his shoulders and chest, over his arms all the way to the edges of the bandages on his wrists. He even takes his time washing and massaging Rodney’s hands.

 

John nudges him to sit up and he complies, letting John support him as he washes his back. When he is finished, he eases Rodney back down carefully. 

 

As his head falls drowsily back onto the towel roll, Rodney realizes he doesn't even feel afraid anymore. He relaxes as John works his way down his body washing everything until he reaches the bandaged feet.

 

“Okay, Mere,” John encourages him, “just a little bit left. Can you turn over for me?”

 

Flipping onto his stomach, Rodney hugs onto a rolled towel as John gently washes his lower back and ass. John is making it feel good, turning it into a full back massage and Rodney closes his eyes. It reminds him of the massage John gave him when he was under the influence of the enzyme. Really not that different at all.

 

John takes his time, rubbing out the knots in Rodney’s back and running his fingers gently over the skin worshipfully. He wouldn’t have thought John would touch him this way when he was in his right mind, especially not now.

 

“Mere?” John pulls something from his pocket, “I have this cream here that Carson gave me. Do you want me to put it on?”

 

Rodney wonders of he could manage on his own without making a mess of the bandages on his wrist. Probably. But he's too tired to try and John is here.

 

“Okay.” He mumbles, then feels a cool finger, some kind of gel, soothing the burning pain around his hole. It isn't the stitches that hurt so much, there are just a few of them. The gel eases the stinging skin around them but it does nothing stop the pain deeper inside...

 

“Am I hurting you?” John asks hesitantly.

 

“Hmm-Mmm.” Rodney, mumbles into the towel, “Feels better. Mostly it hurts inside.”

 

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* * *

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John winces in anger, glad Rodney can’t see him. He might think John was disgusted by him, rather than murderous of the men who had hurt him. He finishes applying the ointment and tells Rodney to turn back over.

 

Moving the support towels into place, he brings Rodney's head back to rest in his lap, bunching one into his hair to absorb the excess moisture. Then he gently runs his fingers through Rodney’s scalp, massaging him.

 

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* * *

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Rodney sighs as John plays with his hair, petting his head. Dreamy and contented, Rodney smells something familiar. Oh, his face moisturizer.

 

He feels John’s fingers run delicately across his face and smooth it in. He takes special care with the bruises and little abrasions, especially the two big splits on his swollen lips.

 

John’s fingertips brush him reverently, caresses over his eyes and jawline. There isn’t a speck of his neck and face untended. Even after John stops applying the cream, he continues to trace Rodney’s face.

 

Rodney wishes his lips weren’t so damaged. He would lean up and kiss John if he could. He doesn’t know if John would want to kiss him anymore, not after all those men had stuffed their cocks in his mouth. Disgusting.

 

He tries not to let the thought of them make him afraid again. Right now it feels so good with John touching him like this. He just wants to feel safe but he begins to tremble anyway.

 

“All done.” John stops and stoops over to kiss Rodney lightly on the forehead.

 

Fumbling a bit, Rodney sits up. He wishes he didn’t have to stay on his knees like this and could just stand up.

 

“Was that okay, Mere?” John looks over to him hopefully.

 

If anyone else tried to, he would hate it; Rodney doesn’t know why it feels so good when John calls him that, “It was… It was more than okay. Thank you for… you know.”

 

“Dignity intact?”

 

Nodding, Rodney picks up the fresh T-shirt and boxers John set aside for him “It’s just, I’m starting to feel scared. ...and I was wondering if you could-”

 

Before he can finish asking, John drops the bottles and towels he was collecting and is instantly on the floor with his arms wrapped around him . Rodney pulls himself as close as he can John’s chest. He feels safe with John wrapped around him like this. When he pets Rodney head that way it feels… he sighs and feels the fear ebbing. John hasn't left his side since this all started. Maybe, he doesn’t have to do this alone.

 

The idea that John might still want be with him someday makes him almost hopeful. Of course, John keeps saying him all kinds of nice things, but Rodney can’t help but think it's out of pity. I mean, who would want him now? He was worthless to begin with, and after this…

 

 _‘Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it’_ Rodney stops himself. He wills himself to focus on John instead. When John is with him he feels loved. The way John touches him, it's hard to feel anything but love.

 

He holds onto John as tight as he can. And the rest of the fear goes out of him like a receding tide. Rodney loosens his grip as the bad thoughts fall away.

 

“It feels better… when you’re touching me.” Oh, God. He's said too much, Rodney doesn’t want to seem too needy, then John will leave again.

 

“Good thing I like touching you.” John rubs his back affectionately, “Think you can eat now?”

 

“Yeah.” Rodney nods, “Food.”

 

“No more crawling,” John chides him, “wait for me to get the wheelchair.”

 

Feeling more like himself, Rodney smirks, “No promises.”

 

John helps him get dressed and brings in the chair. Kicking the wheels into a locked position, he lifts Rodney into it.

 

But Rodney stops him before he moves the chair back to the bedroom, “I want to brush my teeth.”

 

“Right. Of course.” John pulls the toothpaste and brush down from the cabinet. When he's done, Rodney spits into the sink and John hands him a glass of water to rinse with.

 

“Food?” John asks again. 

 

“Food” Rodney nods hungrily.

 

He doesn’t know how he's made it this long without a proper meal; he's famished. Back in the main room, John sets a tray on his lap. The lid still feels warm and Rodney is pleased to find it piled with goodies inside.

 

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* * *

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Once John sees Rodney eating, he sits down with his own tray. They share a look of understanding as they scarf their food in unison. This is the first time they've eaten, really eaten in days.

 

“You know…” Rodney speaks while chewing, “I could probably get myself in and out of the wheelchair if I really had to.”

 

“Yeah, well,” John gives a dry smile and swallows a big mouthful, “what do you say we just leave that theory untested for the time being.”

 

“Mmm.” Rodney keeps eating, “What are you going to do? Take me to the bathroom every time I have to go?”

 

“We’ll figure something out… I’m actually getting quarters soon, so I can-”

 

Seeing the look on Rodney’s face, he quickly explains, “-I’m not going to stay there. I just made sure that I got assigned some next door. That way if I need to get something, it'll be right there.” He gestures.

 

Rodney nods with a tiny frown still on his face.

 

“Mere.” John sets his fork down at looks at him intently, “I’m not going anywhere. You and me are going to make it through this together. Besides, I like your bed better.”

 

At that, his frown disappears and he goes back to eating.

 

After the meal John suggests they go out on the balcony for some fresh air and Rodney likes the idea. but he seems pensive and uninterested in talking. John stands behind the wheelchair and lightly rubs his shoulders while they take in the ocean view. It's so strange to see the Marin headlands facing them instead of an alien sea in the Pegasus galaxy.

 

When they get back inside, Rodney convinces him to help devise a system to safely get himself into the wheelchair so he can get out of bed or use the toilet when he needs to. Rodney seems very pleased with his small victory and settles back into the bed with his computer and some of the extra food John brought up earlier.

 

Since Rodney is preoccupied with whatever he's doing on his computer, John takes the opportunity to step out on the balcony where he can make a call and still keep a watchful eye. It's weird to be communicatig with a simple cell phone again.

 

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* * *

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”Hello?" Dave answers the unknown number on his phone brusquely, "Who is this?”

 

“Uh, it’s, uh, me. John.”

 

“John!” Relived to hear from his brother, Dave’s tone changes completely, “God. You’re okay?”

 

“I will be,” John’s voice is gravelly, “I hear thanks to you. I don't know how you managed it, but you saved my life -and the life of someone pretty close to me. We wouldn't have lasted much longer.”

 

Dave knows John is talking about Dr. McKay and his breath catches at the thought that the two of them almost died. "You, uh, but you're okay? Are you hurt?"

 

"I'll be fine" John answers too quickly in a cold voice.

 

"And your friend?"The line goes quiet for a time and Dave waits uncomfortably.

 

“I hope so.” John finally answers.

 

Dave' stomach sinks, “I promise that I’ve divested all on Dad’s business dealing with the Syndicate. I had no idea until-”

 

“I believe you" John cuts him off, "Sam said they never would have found us without your help." John pauses and speaks gravely, "I will never forget this”.

 

“Well,” Dave presses his lips together thinking about about how little this makes up for the long and scarred past between them, "I'd like to do more… I've joined the IOA and I'm trying to-"

 

“IOA,” John groans, “Why?”

 

“Why not?" He asks a little defensively. “I want to help. Is there something I’m missing?”

 

“Uh.” John gives a small laugh, “It's...fine. Just often in pain in my ass that’s all.”

 

“Oh." Dave pauses, "Well, I promise not to be pain in your ass.”

 

“Well, you just saved my ass, so there’s some flexibility there.” John offers more amiably.

 

“Right.” Dave smiles.

 

John continues, “I know we, ah, have a lot of catching up to do but I think I need to go back in… and check in on my friend -No. Wait, he’s... he's okay. I’m good for a minute more so…”

 

"No, it's okay, um, I'll let you go" Dave doesn’t have much experience being there for his brother, but he wants to change that, “Listen. I know I haven’t always been there in the past but… John, I really… If there's anything you need, anything I can do...  I really mean it, anything you need.”

 

“Really? ANYTHING?” John asks in a teasing tone.

 

“Anything.” Dave answers sincerely.

 

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* * *

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“Um," Despite being touched by the offer, John doesn’t have a lot of experience asking for  help and answers awkwardly, "That’s... That’s really…uh, thank you. Might even take you up on that one of these days.”

 

“I hope you do.” Dave’s voice sounds a bit strained, “I just never knew your job was so dangerous. I've read through some of the reports and, well, there have been so many times I almost lost you and didn’t even know it. I don’t want to lose you now.”

 

John has spent most of his life taking wild risks without feeling that anyone would care or notice if he was gone. It made it easier somehow. The fact that things feel different with Dave now is a bit surreal.

 

The emotion is uncomfortable for him and John finds himself bantering instead, “Well, all I'm saying is this had better not some master IOA plot to try to keep me in line.”

 

“No.” Dave sounds mildly offended.

 

“Cause, you know,” John continues lightheartlely, “that will never work -they’ve been trying for years.”

 

"No," Dave replies a little stiffly, "The International Advisory needs fresh sources of capital to keep the program alive since the global financial crisis last year. I mean there are other reasons for me to be involved, financial and political..."

 

“That so?” John asks skeptically amused.

 

"I'm going to help the IOA structure expand to be more than just an oversight committee for the military. Their plans for R&D development will bring these technologies more quickly to the pubic sphere of use, where they can do the greatest good."

 

“Mmm.” John is demurs, “Right, Dave the humanitarian… Glad to know this has nothing to do with me.”

 

"Well, I didn't say nothing... but... What if you just think of it like you’ve got a man on the inside?” Dave offers.

 

“Sorry, it’s just going to take me a while to adjust to the fact that you have the security clearance to talk about this.”

 

"Must run in the family" Dave adds.

 

John goes quiet thinking about their father, “Did Dad get involved with the Syndicate because of me?”

 

“I don’t think so," Dave answers, "from what I can tell, his involvement predated the Atlantis expedition by a number of years.”

 

“But that means he knew what I was up to… He could have been reading my mission reports…”

 

“Probably.”

 

“God, that is so weird.”

 

“I know." Dave answers slowly, "Imagine how I feel. I was just looking into some hidden profit margins, after Dad passed, and now end up finding out space aliens are real thing."

 

Dave pauses, “Are you, are you really safe now? I mean I know the SGC has closed down the companies involved and seized their assets. But some of them could still be out there."

 

“We’re safe in Atlantis. And we’ll get these guys." John feels the rage in his chest, "We destroyed their sister organization The Trust and we’ll get them too. All of them. They can't hide in the shadows anymore. I'll make sure of that.”

 

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* * *

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Dave is chilled by the tone of John’s voice. He sounds more like a hardened killer than soldier right now. Maybe the two things are closer together than he thought.

 

It's one thing to have a board eating out of his hand for a corporate takeover but Dave couldn’t ever imagine firing a gun.

 

"Be careful, John. Let me know if-" Dave pauses and asserts himself more clearly, "Let he know WHEN you need something.”

 

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* * *

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Once goes back inside, John sees Rodney has dozed off from his last round of painkillers and joins him for a much needed nap. 

 

Rodney moves sleepily in response to John's' presence and pulls himself closer to rest his head on his shoulder. His leg tangles with John's and his hand strays over John's chest.

 

Feeling the tension drain out of him, John lets his lips rest on the crown of Rodney’s head. He curls his fingers around Rodney’s hand, lightly trailing his fingertips. He just needs to hold Rodney right now and feel like he can keep him safe.  
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	3. Come back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney is slipping into the darkest recesses of his nightmares and John is the only one capable of getting through to him._  
> .

.  
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Carson is concerned when no one answers Rodney’s door. There is nowhere else the two of them could be. He uses his medical override to gain entry and walks in with his medical kit.

 

John and Rodney are asleep on the bed, curled up together. It is really charming and innocent looking scene. They both look happy and younger in their expressions. Carson can smell bath products in the air, Rodney looks clean and his bandages are dry.

 

The two of them are nestled together; Rodney looks completely at ease with his body wrapped over John’s and his head on John’s shoulder. John’s posture is protective, bending slightly forward and around Rodney.

 

He hates to wake them, he knows the have been through hell. He leans over, whispering, “Listen lads, I just got the check the bandages.”

 

John jumps as he wakes up, looking at Carson startled. Rodney remains where he is, lazy from the painkillers.

 

“Ah…” John whispers up at Carson, “I, uh, promise I’m taking good care of him.”

 

“Seems that way.” Caron smiles.

 

John relaxes and stays where he is, with Rodney holding onto him.

 

“I didn't know that you cared for him so much, I’m glad, for Rodney’s sake.” Carson says softly.

 

“Of course I…” John looks up at Carson and sadly, “I love him.”

 

Carson finds John's confession somewhat shocking but as he observes John’s expression, he doesn’t ask for further explanation. The depth of feeling is written plainly on his face.

 

Everything Carson knows about the two of them he's heard from Rodney, and Rodney never seemed to have the slightest inkling that John felt this way. He always urged Rodney to let go of his feelings for John because he didn’t think John has treated him well enough.

 

But now, maybe things are different. At the very least, Carson wants to respect Rodney's feelings -and Rodney clearly only wants John right now.

 

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* * *

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“Mere,” John squeezes Rodney's hand and murmurs, “Carson is here to check on you. You want to sit up?”

 

Reluctantly Rodney opens his eyes and pulls himself off of John, propping himself up on a pillow as Carson begins patiently replaceing his dressings.

 

Getting up to look at Rodney’s feet, John remarks, “Did a great job on the stitching there Carson.” He tells at Rodney, “Mere, these are going to heal up real nice.”

 

This whole thing is so embarrassing and humiliating. Rodney nods, he hates being on display. But he grits his way through the examination and tells Carson that he's in too much pain. The medication isn’t enough and he needs some sleeping pills to help him with the nightmares.

 

Carson explains that he doesn’t have anything on him right now but John quickly jumps in, saying he can pick them on his way to the mess hall to get more food. Carson agrees to have them ready as soon as he can and sees Rodney off.

 

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* * *

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John sees more people in the mess hall for lunch. He spies Teyla and Ronan. They are both staring at him intensely from a table across the hall, looking at him like like they are waiting for answers. He dumps off the old trays and loads up a couple of new ones before sitting down with them to say explain himself.

 

“John?” Teyla look confused.

 

“Yeah.” John pushes his lips together, “Sorry about...”

 

“We are just happy to see that you are back.” She tells him calmly.

 

“Are you back?” Ronan asks.

 

“Yeah.” John rubs the back of his neck, “Pretty much. On medical leave though.”

 

“Are you are okay?” Teyla’s looks concerned; she's noticed the state of his hands, since he removed the gauze this morning.

 

“I’m okay…” John looks around the room nervously frowning with his voice low, “Rodney’s not. I’m… gonna be looking after him for a while. I don’t think it’s a good idea for anyone to, uh, try to come visit him. He’s gonna need a couple weeks… or so.”

 

Ronan has a dark look and Teyla’s eyes widen with compassion.

 

She asks, “John, is he... going to be okay?”

 

Lowering his eyes, he whispers, “Physically, yeah, eventually. I’ll let you know.”

 

“I’m sorry John,” Ronan speaks gravely, “whatever went down, it sounds rough.”

 

“Look,” John nods and tells them, “I should probably get these back.”

 

Teyla nods in approval and John makes his way out. Before he gets to the transporter, Woolsey catches up with him and tells him that the room next to Rodney's is empty. It's officially his, though his personal things won’t arrive until tomorrow. John thanks him and makes his way back.

 

Rodney is hungry and curious about his new meds. John realizes he forgot to pick them up. He sets up Rodney with with his food and heads back out to the infirmary to get them.

 

God. He can’t wait to get his own clothes back, Rodney’s too short and unforgettable on him. As he enters the infirmary, he sees Jennifer. She gives him a strange look.

 

While Carson gives him the medications, she walks over to them, “I saw that these medications have Rodney’s name on them. Is he back? Is he okay?”

 

“Jennifer," Carson answers uncomfortably "He’s my patient, I’m sorry, that’s confidential.”

 

Taking the meds, John leaves Carson to explain, or rather not explain the situation to her.

 

Rodney is pleased by the higher dose and thanks John through a mouthful of food as he takes more pain meds.

 

The rest of their day involves a movie, a lot of cuddling, dinner and more cuddling. Rodney seems pretty out of it from his medication and when he takes a sleep pill, he's out like a light.

 

Trying to rest himself, John feels soothed by Rodney’s presence but tosses and turns with his own dark dreams. Just as he finally feels like he is escaping them them off and falling into deeper sleep, Rodney begins to shake violently.

 

“AAAAHHHHH! No! Mph. M-no. Please-please.” Rodney sobs in his sleep; John pulls him into sitting position, crushing him into his arms.

 

“Mere, Mere. I’m here. We’re safe. Wake up, Mere.”

 

Opening his eyes, Rodney whimpers, “I’m going to be sick.”

 

“Put your hands around my neck hang on, I’ll carry you.”

 

Letting John scoop him up, Rodney clasps his hands around his neck. Once John has set him down, he gets on his knees leans over into the toilet to retches up most of his food.

 

The sound is violent, like Rodney is trying to get everything they did to him out. He keeps heaving long after his stomach is empty. Rodney’s body is slick with sweat. John wipes his neck and brow, offering reassuring words.

 

When Rodney is done, John gives him a quick sponge bath and a fresh change of clothes. In the morning, he'll give Rodney a more thorough washing. He helps Rodney brush his teeth and then carries him back to bed.

 

“Okay Mere, it’s over, it’s going to be okay. We can go back to sleep now.”

 

He leans Rodney down onto the pillow and gets another antibiotic, pain, and sleep pill. Worried about Rodney taking these on an empty stomach, he pulls off a chunk of a powerbar and asks Rodney to eat it.

 

Giving John a weary look, Rodney complies, chewing impatiently then swallowing the pills back the glass of water John gives him. When he's done, Rodney collapses back onto the pillow.

 

John leans over him, “I’m sorry this is so hard but I’m proud of you.”

 

Rodney makes a scornful face.

 

He caresses Rodney’s head lovingly, “You’re doing a good job Mere, it’s going to get easier, not worse.”

 

.  
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* * *

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Rodney’s lip trembles, he closes his eyes, and swallows the lump in his throat. If he has John, maybe he can do this.

 

_'Please John, just please don’t leave. Please.'_

 

He feels John’s strong hand running along his forehead and trailing along his scalp. It moves over in a soothing rhythm. He's so afraid that John will stop, but he stays, his hands keep taking the pain away. Rodney sighs and lets himself drift until the medication take effect and returns him to sleep.

 

.  
.

 

When he wakes, John is leaning over him. He has that bright-eyed and bushy-tailed look about him, like he's been up for hours.

 

“Morning, Mere.” John’s eyes are playful and sparkling.

 

“Why are you so happy?” Rodney blinks to wake himself up and notices some breakfast trays nearby.

 

“I got my clothes today.” John wiggles humorously.

 

Rodney cocks his head. John is wearing one of his sexy black long sleeved black t-shirts. It hugs his slim torso perfectly.

 

Thinking of his own weak pale body, his softness, Rodney feels disgusting. He has been peeking under the bandages on his wrist. Those are the ones that are going to show the most. Almost all of his shirts are short-sleeved; he doesn’t want to wear them anymore.

 

In a quiet voice he asks, “John… Can I have one?”

 

“One what?” John asks attentively.

 

“Well, when I take this off” Rodney tugs at his wrist bandages, “I don’t want people to see the scars… When I get better, can I wear one of your long-sleeved shirts?”

 

“Of course”, John’s eyes soften and he touches the side of Rodney’s face before reaching down to lightly kiss Rodney’s forehead. John’s lips linger on his brow and he whispers, “Anything you want, Mere.”

 

“Now what do you want to do?” John leans up and pets the side of his face, “Eat or wash?”

 

Thinking for a minute, Rodney weighs his options. he is hungry his empty stomach growls but he wants John to keep touching him even more, “Wash.”

 

Rodney is content when John takes his time with the bath ritual he had invented yesterday. It could be done much faster but John takes time to massage him and ghost his fingers over his skin. Rodney never wants it to stop.

 

He is starving when he emerges, washed from hair to ankles and well moisturized. Rodney eats and takes a couple extra painkillers when John isn’t watching. He makes a mental note to eat a big lunch and skimp on dinner, just in case tonight was going to be anything like the last two.

 

When Carson visits, Rodney tells him about the vomiting and complains that he needs a stronger sleep aid. Carson says he'll prescribe something stronger for sleep as well as an anti-nausea medication.

 

For a while, he lies on the bed letting John hold him, relieved to have him close. Again he lets himself drift off with and falls asleep on John’s shoulder.

 

But when Rodney wakes up, he is alone in the room. His chest seizes with terror as he sits up. _'What if John's left and isn’t coming back?'_

 

Why has he let himself depend on John? Rodney starts to hyperventilate. He hates being this helpless….

 

Anyway, John doesn’t really care, he just feels sorry for him. And John always leaves him in the end… He knows this.

 

In the end, Rodney will have nothing left, except this terror and fear… the knowledge of how repulsive he truly is.

 

He has to get out, out of his own skin. Rodney tries to catch his breath and looks out the large panel to the balcony. He can’t keep living like this… There is a way out, just outside the door.

 

It’s not the first time Rodney's thought about it, but he was never in this much pain before. Even John would understand if he knew how much it hurt. The lack of air in his lungs is making him dizzy and he falls back into the bed.

 

 _'Oh God, God, please make it stop. Please.'_  He curls into to himself shaking. He can’t stand the feeling of his own hands against his own skin, it makes him feel sick.

 

No, no, no, he has to get away. He can’t do this, he can’t… Rodney claws at his arms and face, it doesn’t help. Oh God. Rodney sobs pathetically and chokes trying to breath.

 

The lack of air starts to make him feel numb. But this is good, this is something. Rodney reaches for the emptiness… So cold and distant. Away. Far away, where he wants to be. He'll hold onto this until he's strong enough to end it.

 

He'll just try to hold on until then, a few days, maybe a week. That’s all he has to live through. Maybe sooner… Rodney fees exhilarated by the thought. Could he do it now? Crawl over to the door and out onto the balcony?

 

If he takes extra painkillers, he could stand on his feet and step over the railing. After that, all he'd have to do is let go. But Rodney’s body doesn’t move, it feels wooden and heavy. He feels so far away, he's lost the ability to move at all.

 

When he hears the sound of the door opening from the hall, it takes him some time to register that John is back in the room. There are more sounds and then herealizes that John has been talking to him. John should just go, leave him alone.

 

“Mere!” John shakes him, but he is too sluggish to respond.

 

“Mmm.”

 

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* * *

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John lifts Rodney up to lean against the headboard, his body is limp and easy to move. He stares dully past John’s shoulder.

 

“Mere?” He pets Rodney’s head, “Can you come back to me? Where are you?”

 

Something is wrong. Rodney’s shoulders stoop and his head leans down. He's acting like he's in shock.

 

“Shh. Okay. It’s okay Mere. I’m right here.” John stokes Rodney’s face.

 

“Mmm.”

 

“Okay. Good enough. I’m going to put this tray on your lap, and I really, really, want you eat some of it… Okay, Mere?”

 

He places the food on Rodney’s lap and presses a fork onto Rodney’s hand. Rodney keeps ahold it once John lets go, but doesn’t move.

 

“I know you can hear me, Mere, so, I want you to fight this. I want you to eat right now. If you can’t do it I’ll help you.”

 

Groaning, Rodney moves the fork to the food without really looking at. He lifts a small bite to his mouth and swallows.

 

“That’s good. Keep it up.”

 

Then Rodney’s gaze falls to the platter in front of him, he just stares at it in confusion. John is about to urge him again when Rodney takes another bite voluntarily. He picks at the plate slowly, eating less a third it, before dropping the fork onto the tray in surrender. Then he stares out of the balcony window with a haunted expression.

 

John puts the tray to the side and slides onto the bed. Rodney keeps staring out the window instead of curling into him. He reaches his hands out trepidatiously to touch Rodney’s shoulders and arms, running them slowly over his arms the he seems to like.

 

“We should watch a movie.” John tries to capture his interest.

 

But Rodney remains in his catatonic state.

 

“A movie would be good, wouldn’t it?”

 

He grabs Rodney’s laptop and punches in the password. At least Rodney isn’t interrogating him about how John knows what it is. He flips through the database and selects one of Rodney’s favorites.

 

”How about Galaxy Quest?”

 

Setting up the screen so that it is within Rodney’s line of sight, John starts the film. He huddles back onto the bed and wraps his arms around him. He can feel Rodney rocking ever so slightly, he seems so far away, like he doesn’t even know John is here.

 

As the film plays, John watches Rodney with growing concern. He seems like he has retreated from reality completely. His anxiety pitches up the more time goes by with Rodney staying numb and distant, scarcely noticing when the movie is over.

 

John feels frozen and afraid. He's doing something wrong, probably everything wrong. He doesn’t want to call Carson and have to admit that he's failed. Maybe if he can just get Rodney through the night this will pass.

 

Eyes glazed off in the distance, Rodney lets John help him get ready for bed. He gives Rodney one of the long black tee-shirts he wanted and pulls it over his head. Rodney seems oblivious.

 

Undressing quickly, John pulls on a fresh T-shirt and boxers and helps Rodney under the covers. Then he pulls Rodney onto his chest and holds him close. Rodney’s body is limp and unresponsive, it makes John’s chest get tighter and tighter, the stress and tension mount as he keep guard. Until finally he hears the sound of Rodney's breathing change. It goes heavy and low, like he's sleeping; John allows himself to relax, as much as he's capable of at this point.

 

Then he is awake in a bolt of panic, Rodney is screaming. He is convulsing like he is going to be sick.

 

John pulls him out of bed. Rodney holds his arms around John’s neck as he carries him to the bathroom, then lurches forward to grab the toilet. It sounds like Rodney’s insides are being pulled out of him as he chokes and heaves violently.

 

Tending to him as best he, John tries to soothe him with a cool washcloth. When Rodney’s heaving becomes dry and ineffectual John flushes the commode and pulls Rodney away, wiping his face tenderly with the damp cloth.

 

Suddenly Rodney looks up at John, his eyes focused and clear with terror, “Don’t let them take me again, John… Please, don’t let them take me…”

 

“No. No, Mere, I won’t.” John holds Rodney’s face in his hands, “No one is going to take you from me, I promise. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you again.”

 

“I can’t do this.” Rodney releases his head down onto to John’s chest and begins to cry mutely, “I can’t…”

 

John holds him close as Rodney rends his hands, clutching into John’s shirt.

 

“Please… can’t.”

 

“Shh… Shh… You’re safe now. It’s all over. I’ve got you, Mere.”

 

Rodney shakes his head against his chest like he can’t believe it.

 

“Give me your arms, Mere. I want to carry you back to bed.”

 

“Teeth first.” Rodney gulps.

 

“Right, right.” But John can't move; he stays on the ground holding Rodney for a long time, just holding him and telling him how much he loves him.

 

He waits until Rodney’s breathing returns to normal and he stops crying, then John gently pushes himself up and retrieves a cup of water and a toothbrush already prepped. Rodney brushes his teeth spits the rinse into the toilet.

 

“Okay, Mere.", John rubs his back,  "You ready for me to take you back to bed? I want to hold you and make you feel safe again.”

 

“Safe…” Rodney looks up at John with love and trust in his eyes, nodding, "In your arms.”

 

He carries Rodney back to bed and holds him tenderly, “I love you so much, Mere. I promise no one's ever going to be allowed to hurt you again.”

 

“We’re going to be okay, Mere.” John sways his hand over Rodney’s brow, “We’re going to make it through this… just stay with me, okay?”

 

Rodney nods and nestles closer.

 

“I love you, Mere.” John keeps whispering reassurances and petting Rodney until he falls asleep again.

 

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.

 

John wakes up late, exhausted and with a splitting headache. Rodney is still sleeping soundly and he uses the opportunity to go get them an early breakfast in the cafeteria. upon his return, Rodney begins to stir and he's relived to see his eyes appearing clear and focused.

 

“Mere?”

 

“Mmm.”

 

“I brought breakfast-“

 

“Good I’m really hungry, I need to eat now.”

 

As Rodney wolfs down his food, John grins with relief. He digs into his own plate with relish, since he missed dinner last night too.

 

After the meal, Rodney is affectionate, cuddling with him on the bed trailing his fingers along John’s face.

 

“Is it time for my spa yet?” Rodney asks.

 

“Your what?”

 

“In the bathroom, you know, when you massage me and wash my hair and-”

 

“Oh, a day spa, is it?” John chuckles with his face buried in Rodney’s neck, “Yeah, I can book you for, say, a 10 o’clock session?”

 

“I want you to keep touching me.” Rodney runs his hands across John’s chest, “I feel safe when you’re touching me.”

 

“I can do that, Mere.” John smooths his hands over Rodney and kisses his neck.

 

“Mmm… I love it when you… Mmm…”

 

“Me too.” John murmurs as Rodney’s fingertips trail over him.

 

This unexpected affection continues while John gives him his sponge ba-, his 'spa treatment'. Rodney reaches up to caress John’s face while he massages his head, his fingers wander on John as he washes his skin. John slows down the movements and makes everything last as long he can. It feels amazing to have Rodney here, so present with him after yesterday’s episode.

 

Gently brushing his hands over Rodney’s face and neck, John finishes up with a moisturizer.

 

“That feels so good.” Rodney’s sighs with his head in John’s lap. “One day I’ll do it for you.”

 

A deep surge of love and happiness washes through him imagining the day when Rodney will be well to do that. Bending down, he kiss Rodney’s forehead and holds his lips there as long as he dares. When he lifts his head, he sees Rodney’s eyes shining back at him.

 

“I will.” Rodney reaches his hand back to cup John’s jawline, “Once I can move around okay again, I’ll give you a spa treatment.”

 

“Looking forward to that.” John smiles.

 

“Mmm…” Rodney closes his eyes, “So relaxed, I just wanna go back to bed… Didn’t sleep last night hardly at all.”

 

“We can do that.” John smiles, “We can do whatever you want. We’re on leave.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

It doesn’t take long for Rodney to fall asleep once they are cuddled up back in the bed. This giant bed is perfect for cuddling, John’s never been in a bed so comfortable in his life. He wonders where Rodney found it.

 

Watching Rodney, he looks so peaceful right now, John will stand guard no matter how it longs it takes to bring Rodney back and undo all the damage done.

 

When it's time for lunch, John pets Rodney’s arm lightly, “Mere, I’m going to get us something to eat, I’ll be right back okay?”

 

There is no answer. He's sound asleep and John’s movement out of the bed doesn’t disturb him.

 

.  
.

 

Upon his return, John finds that Rodney lying in different position, covered by the blanket.

 

“Hey Mere… I’ve got lunch.”

 

Rodney stays quiet.

 

He sets the food down and kicks of his shoes.

 

“Mere? You awake?”

 

Then John notices a slight trembling coming from beneath the covers and quickly climbs into bed with him. Making contact, he runs his hands up Rodney’s back to comfort him.

 

“Mere. I’m here. I’m right here.” _'Shit, Rodney’s whole body is shivering.'_

 

Reaching his arms around Rodney’s chest, he squeezes him to make it stop. “Talk to me.”

 

But pulling the blankets away from his face, Rodney is nearly catatonic, eyes dead and dull,  staring emptily out at nothing.

 

What should he do? He can’t let Rodney suffer like this.

 

“Mere. Rodney...” John waves his hands in front of Rodney’s face; he doesn’t even seen aware of John’s presence.

 

“What should I do? Please, come back… tell me what you need. Rodney?”

 

“…McKay!” John starts to feel afraid, “Rodney, just come back and tell me… tell me what I’m doing wrong? Just boss me around a little bit… you know, the way you do… That would be… so great, if you can hear me…”

 

Frightened, he lays down next to Rodney’s shaking body, “Do you want me to call Carson?” he whispers the question.

 

Burying his face into Rodney’s neck, John sorrowfully pulls him into a deep hug, “I love you so much. I barely got to tell you that and now… it feels like you’re disappearing… I have so much I need to tell you, so much to show you. I can’t lose you now. Not after all this. I love you so much."

 

“Come back to me, please.” John begs.

 

He senses some movement, and looks up and sees Rodney blinking heavily, as if it has taken an effort to be able to find John’s words.

 

“You should go now.” Rodney’s tongue sounds slurred.

 

“Well,” John sighs with relief and pulls him in tighter, “that’s the _last_ fucking thing I’m gong to do.”

 

“No… You did ‘nough, ‘n lemme alone… Pleeese.”

 

“No. That’s not how this is going down. You’re stuck with me.” John tries to keep him talking, “What do you think's gonna happen? You can’t take of yourself right now and I know you don't wanna be in the infirmary.”

 

“Don’t care. What happens s’me. Jus’ wanna be left alone.”

 

“Well, no one’s going to do that right now, Rodney.”

 

“I hafta, hafta leave… get away.”

 

Rodney stares out the window to the balcony and John’s stomach tightens as he realizes what Rodney is thinking about.

 

“Mere! God, Mere. Don’t even think about it -please. I mean, without you… I don’t know what to do without you. You can’t. You can’t leave me.”

 

“I wanna die. You don’t need me. Just go ‘way, let me go.”

 

Okay. Fuck. Right now, John knows he can physically keep Rodney safe, away from the balcony or anything else stupid he is thinking about… God, but if he stays like like this, John shivers in dread… After losing one person that way, the fear that he won't be able to stop it makes him slicks his skin with perspiration. In his mind he sees himself failing, walking in and finding Rodney... the way he found his mother after she took her life so many years ago.

 

Sick to his stomach and desperate, he grabs Rodney around to face him. “Don’t you know if you do something like this it will kill me? It will. It will literally kill me. Is that what you want, to destroy me completely? Because if I fail you now… I _will_ follow you to your death. I can’t take losing you too.”

 

“No…” Rodney groans, “you should go.”

 

Shaking Rodney by the shoulders, John is adamant, “ _Damn it_. Come back to me, Mere. You can’t fucking give up on me. We’re supposed to make it through this together. I know it hurts, I know it hurts, Mere. But, but, I’m here. I can’t help you if you don’t let me. Please… Don’t shut me out… Come back to me.”

 

Silent tears slip down Rodney’s face, as if he doesn’t even notice them. John pulls Rodney back into his chest and holds his body as close as he can. After a time, Rodney sighs and goes limp. Passed out, probably. John doesn’t move, he won’t move –not until Rodney can gotten the chance to rest and John can come up with a plan to keep him safe. Rodney's sleep has been so spotty lately, maybe once he's rested, he'll be thinking more clearly.

 

Lunch sits on a sideboard, uneaten until the sun goes down.

 

Finally, Rodney is stirring again.

 

“Mere?”

 

“Mmm.” Rodney moans.

 

“Are you awake, now?” John pets his head.

 

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* * *

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.

 

Rodney winces as reality comes crashing back, “Nooo…”

 

John’s arms hold him steady, but there is nothing he can do. Nothing anyone can do. He can’t go on like this, so worthless and disgusting. How did he ever think he could live with himself?

 

Why did he ever try? The truth has always been there, he's just tried to run from it, from the ugly things inside him that make him so pathetic. It's so clear now. And he can’t stand to be inside his own skin anymore, it’s too painful, too much. A wave of nausea rolls through his empty stomach. Gagging, nothing comes up.

 

“Mere? Do you need to-“

 

Why does John even want to touch him? He feels so disgusting. Rodney tries to push him away but John won't let go. To weak to struggle, he gives up and lets John hold him.

 

“Why are you still here?” He whimpers.

 

“Because I love you…” John touches his face lightly, “And I won’t let you go no matter what you say.”

 

“Should let me go.”

 

“Before this happened, you wouldn’t let me go.” John squeezes him, “And I won’t let you go either. I know in your heart, you want me to be here. Even if it doesn’t seem that way to you now. Once you're seeing things straight, you’ll realize that. I know you will…”

 

Rodney shakes his head sadly, he doesn’t know what to think. It is comforting to have John with him. But he doesn’t want to be comforted anymore. He just wants to die.

 

“Okay, Mere. I really worried about you, so I’m going to call Carson now.” John reaches for his earpiece on the nightstand.

 

“Beckett? This is Sheppard. Can you make a house call?”

 

After a few moments John speaks again, “Now would be good.”

 

John holds him secure until Carson lets himself in. As Carson makes his way to the bed, John slowly releases his grip, instructing him, “Mere. I want you to try to eat if you can. We’re just going to talk for a moment.”

 

He hands Rodney a cold tray from the cafeteria and gestures for Carson to join him on the balcony.

 

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* * *

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.

 

John closes the door behind them and stands so that he can watch Rodney’s every move; he exhales, “We have a problem…”

 

“What’s wrong?” Carson asks.

 

“Rodney… He needs to be on suicide watch.”

 

“Oh no." Carson's face falls, "Well, we’ll have to move him to a secure location.”

 

“Bad idea.” John shakes his head, “You’re gonna put him in the isolation room, with people he doesn't know or trust?? Somewhere else where he’ll be even more scared and panicked?" 

 

“I’ll do what I can to make him comfortable,” Carson frowns, “but I’ll take a panic attack or two if it means saving his life.”

 

“No.” John pleads, “He’s too damaged right now to handle that. I have a better idea. Jennifer’s got things covered in the infirmary now that she’s up and about. I think you and me.. we can handle this.”

 

“What?”

 

“We take shifts. I wouldn’t need that much help, I can be with him most of the time. Really, I just need a little help.”

 

“I don’t know, John.” Carson looks through the window to Rodney, “Has he tried to harm himself or just he just threatening?”

 

“Not even threatened really, just talked about his desire to, to die." John tries to downplay his failure, "He’s said it a couple times and... at first I hoped it would pass, but today… Today he really scared me.”

 

“If he becomes in imminent threat to himself then will have to-“

 

“I know. I know, but we can keep it from getting to that point. We can do this for him, Carson.” John clenches his jaw, “Look, we get everything out of the room that could be a problem… razors, sharp objects… We put a old fashioned lock on the balcony door, nothing he can hack-“

 

“It would still be a risk.” Carson argues.

 

“Not if one of us is always with him. And that’s what he needs more that anything right now. To be around people he knows and trusts. That's you and me. If you put him in hospital bed, I won’t be able to hold him when he wakes up screaming every night. I won’t be able to make him feel safe… I need to make this right for him.”

 

“John, I don’t think this is something anyone can make it right.“

 

“He'd do it for either of us." John's face screws up in pain, he can't fail Rodney again. "You know, when you were in that stasis pod, he came to visit you every day, to tell you stories and keep you company. Did you know that”

 

Carson’s eyes get soft, “No, I didn’t.”

 

“Because he didn’t want you to feel alone.” John’s voice cracks, “And I can’t let him to feel alone or scared either. It wouldn’t take much for us to do this for him, just to make it a little easier. Wouldn’t you do anything to make it easier for him and take some of the pain away? I know I would.”

 

“All right.” Carson looks emotional, “I’ll talk to Woolsey about cutting back on my hours at the med lab. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

 

“Right. But we keep the details to ourselves for now. He just needs a little time to get through the worst of it emotionally." John tries to convince himself, "He’ll come around soon, I know he will.”

 

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* * *

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.

 

Rodney feels completely betrayed when he realizes that John has told Carson about his suicidal tendencies. The whole thing is so... humiliating. He watches sullenly from the bed as the two of them go through his room together, removing anything that could pose a danger, even containers made of glass.

 

They add new locks on drawers and cupboards, even on the balcony door. It’s like they're fucking childproofing the room. Retreating to his mind, he tells himself they can’t watch him forever. What else can he do? He has to believe that he'll be able to escape this all. Maybe not today, but soon… he won’t have to hold on for much longer.

 

And he won’t make the mistake of confiding in John about it. He's squirreled away a lot of pills, probably not enough to do the job. For now he will use them to get through the days. And eventually he will get his chance.

 

When he's thought about killing himself before, when he was with Alex it was more passive. This time he has to believe  he'd have the courage to go through with it. Thoughts of death a soothing balm. When it feels like too much, he can just remind himself that there will be an end to this anguish.

 

John is like a balm too. When he holds Rodney and strokes his hands over his skin, the pain ebbs away; the feeling of his own skin isn't so horrible then. John holds him a lot, but he won’t stay forever. He'll leave and Rodney will be left with nothing but the horrible feeling crawling under his flesh.

 

 _'Soon,'_ he assures himself, _'he won’t have to endure being inside his skin much longer, he'll get his chance soon.'_  
.  
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	4. There are some men that need killing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Carson and John insist on protecting Rodney from himself, while all he wants is to disappear... But John's hands keep bringing him back, making him feel safe. Maybe if he could really believe John isn't going to leave him again... maybe Rodney won't leave either._  
> .

.  
.

Carson becomes a new fixture in Rodney’s quarters. John only really needs him here a few times a day, but he wants to do more for Rodney so he spends as much of his free time by Rodney’s side as he can.

 

Rodney is often hazy or semi-catatonic. Really it's John he ends up talking to more often. It's hard to predict when Rodney will be lucid and interactive, his moods seem to come in fits and spurts.

 

It isn’t easy watching him when John goes for meals, he gets so distraught when John's away. John's told him that Rodney responds to touch; it would have been the last thing Carson would have thought to do in a situation like this, but John swears that Rodney told him it helps. Sitting on the chair by the bed, he rubs Rodney’s arm to soothe him.

 

“John, why…” Rodney stares past Carson’s head, with unfocused eyes, “why'd he leave? They’re going to come for me…”

 

“No, Rodney.” Carson rubs his arm, “No one's going to hurt you now. John just went to get some food, he’ll be right back –and I’m here. I'm watching to make sure no one can hurt you. I’m right here.” 

 

Rodney is suffering badly from Post Traumatic Stress, Carson knows this, but it's still so upsetting to see his friend in such a state.

 

With a whimper, Rodney starts to claw at himself, scraping his fingernails across the skin on his arms; Carson has to restrain him and pull his arms away, “Rodney, listen to me. Rodney!", he doesn’t resist as Carson takes hold, but he squeezes his eyes shut and begins rocking.

 

"I can’t let you hurt yourself, okay? That’s why I’m holding your arms down. No one's going to hurt you, I promise. It’s okay, I’m right here. It’s me, Carson.” He tentatively releases his grip on Rodney’s arms.

 

As if he is unaware of Carson’s presence, Rodney keeps rocking methodically.

 

“Remember these?” Carson reaches into his shirt and pulls out the dog tags Rodney gave him.

 

He pulls them over his head and presses them into Rodney’s palm. “You gave these to me when I was afraid, to remind me that I wasn’t alone when I had to go into stasis. I was really afraid. I’ll admit, I really didn’t think I was coming back out… Never thought Jennifer would find a cure.”

 

Carson curls Rodney’s fingers so they hold the metal tags. “But I felt so much better, knowing that you hadn’t forgotten me, I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore… And John told me you'd come by my pod everyday to talk to me. So, that’s what I’m trying to do now, come see you every day and talk to you even if you can’t always talk back.”

 

“It’s pretty weird, you know, not having you talk back.” He squeezes Rodney’s hand, “You were always talking at lightening speed. Sometimes, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Talking and eating, probably the two things you were most known for… _non-professionally_ speaking, of course…

 

If you were yourself, right now, you’d be giving me a lecture about how brilliant you are and telling me your genius is what you're known for. Well…" Carson sighs sadly, "we’ll get you back on track before too long, you’ll see.”

 

John walks in with the food trays, setting them down on the sideboard and moving to hold Rodney on the bed. He curls up on John’s chest, grasping for his shirt and making a plaintive noise.

 

“Shh… I’m here Mere. I’m back. Just went to get the food.”

 

Rodney reaches his arms up to wrap around John’s neck and John hugs him back, pulling him closely into himself, “I'm here, I'm right here. You got me and Carson are here looking out for you.”

 

"Mere.” John presses his face into Rodney’s neck and runs his finger over Rodney’s back, “You here with me, Mere?”

 

“’M here.” Rodney mumbles.

 

Carson can see him relaxing more deeply now that John is back, sinking into his arms.

 

“Good, good." John continues in a soothing tone, "Think you can eat a little for me?”

 

Rodney nods weakly.

 

“You stay there.” Carson stands up, “I’ll bring the trays to you.”

 

John smiles in appreciation, “Okay, just sit up for me, Mere. I’ll be right here next to you," his manner becomes more teasing, "-even though you know I don’t approve of all this eating in bed.”

 

As Rodney straightens up against the headboard, he gives a little snort that almost sounds like a laugh.

 

But Carson notices that his shoulder keeps contact against John's, as if he is trying to stay as close as physically possible. John gestures to Carson which tray is Rodney’s. As Carson hands it off, Rodney looks at it suspiciously, then over to John’s plate.

 

“How come I didn’t get any of those?” Rodney points with a fork.

 

“Because you don’t like green beans…” John gives him a bemused look “But, hey, if you want some of mine… feel free.”

 

“Mmm. Not hungry.” Rodney furrows his brow grumpily.

 

“Seriously?” John rolls his eyes at Rodney, “We’re veering into ‘the airplane goes into the mouth’ territory.”

 

“You wouldn’t?” Rodney wrinkles up his nose.

 

“If you leave me no other choice…” John shrugs playfully.

 

“And we then veer into ‘the needle goes into the arm’ territory.” Carson adds.

 

“Okay” Rodney sighs and picks at his plate; every bite looks like it is an effort to swallow.

 

“You’re doing great, Rodney. Just keep it up.” Carson encourages him.

 

John waves a fork-full of food around in the air like it is a plane veering toward towards Rodney’s mouth.

 

“Stop it.” Rodney ducks his head to the side with a laugh, “I’m eating, already.”

 

“Good boy.” John smirks.

 

.  
.

 

Over the last week, Carson has gained a new appreciation for the amount of work required to get Rodney functional throughout the day. John seems to do it effortlessly, providing Rodney with far more support than a medical team would be able to offer. He knows now John made the right call about keeping Rodney in his quarters. Separating him from John, even just a little bit, would clearly damage him emotionally. Only John seems able to really reach him.

 

When John has finished coaxing Rodney to eat, Carson takes the trays away for them. John talks Rodney into playing a card game with the two of them, but it doesn’t last very long.

 

After a few hands, Rodney folds and snuggles with his head on John’s lap. Carson can see the tenderness in John’s eyes as pets Rodney’s head. Eyes closed, Rodney looks content.

 

“What’s this?” John spies something shiny on the side of the bed and leans over to pick it up with his long arm.

 

“Oh that’s mine.” Carson moves forward, “I just was showing it to Rodney earlier.”

 

Looking at the tags with a curious expression, John and hands them to Carson.

 

Remembering that John was the one who had them made and gave them to Rodney, he explains, “See, Rodney gave them to me when I was rescued from Michael. He knew I was in a bad state after realizing that no one had even been looking for me.

 

He ah, he explained how broken up he’d been over my death. He showed me these and told me you had them made so he could still feel close to me, like I wasn't forgotten…  At that point, I was feeling like I had been, so I think he figured I needed them more than he did.

 

“He was right.” Carson plays a card, “When I had to go into the stasis chamber, having these made me feel like I wasn’t going to be alone in there… So …thank you.”

 

Smiling warmly as he pets Rodney’s head, John lifts his shoulders, “Yeah, I think having you coming back from the dead was probably the best thing that ever happened to him.”

 

“No.” Carson thinks, “If he was himself right now, he’d say that having you love him back is  the best thing that ever happened to him.”

 

“Back?” John seems confused.

 

“Well, I don’t know actually, do I?” Carson tires to cover for saying too much, “You know, things with you two seem to go up and down a lot, I can’t really keep track of it.”

 

“They do?” Now John's shoulders are slumping a little. 

 

“Or maybe not, I wouldn’t really know.” Carson feels like he is only digging himself deeper.

 

John’s mouth twists down, “I can only imagine what he must have said.”

 

This time Carson keeps his mouth shut.

 

“Not that I’m asking." John lifts his brows like he wants to, "Just, I'm wondering what he said to about us… How he felt about us. I don’t know, probably it wasn't good.”

 

“I was, uh, kind of messed up, for a long time.", John looks down at Rodney tenderly, "But over the last few years I’ve worked through a lot of it. I’m not the same person I was, "He looks to Carson like he needs him to believe it, "I'd do anything for him. If I get another chance, I won’t take him for granted. I love him so much.”

 

“I can see that…” Carson clears his throat. “So, when did you start to have these feelings for him?”

 

“A long time ago…” John frowns, “just, I didn't come to terms with them right away. Once I did, it was too late. First ‘cause of Katie… And then when I found out about how he and Jennifer were supposed to be together.”

 

"Supposed to be?" Carson is confused.

 

“The future I saw," John sighs, "She was the Rodney loved, that's why he spent 25 years working on a way to save her. He asked me to, to protect her and I wanted him to be happy. I never thought I was good enough for him anyway, not what he really deserved. But", John looks perplexed. 

 

"For some reason he broke things off with Jennifer and came after me when I left… God knows why, but he said he wanted to be with me. So I, I finally got the courage to tell him that I was in love with him. I know it probably doesn’t sound like I deserve him, I mean, I know I don't. But I promise you, no matter what happens or what he really wants, I won't leave him again and I’ll take care of him...

 

"All of this is my fault." John’s expression is pained, "If he hadn’t come after me, he never would have been in danger.”

 

“You can’t know that.” Carson assures him.

 

John looks at him darkly and Carson realizes that nothing he says about this will likely make a difference but he tries anyway, “You don’t have anything to atone for. This isn’t your fault.”

 

“Atone? No, that’s not why I’m taking care of him.”

 

“I guess…” John presses his lips together, “What I’m trying to say… I’m trying to convince you that I’m here because I really love him. Honestly, I’m just trying to take care of him, the way he’s taken care of me in the past. I know he'd do the same.”

 

“Aye, he would.” Carson blinks wondering when Rodney has taken care of John… that's one part of their story he's never heard. “But you don’t have to convince me.” He adds.

 

“I don’t?”

 

“Well, okay, maybe just a wee bit.” Carson watches John running his fingers over Rodney’s brow and down his back. He can’t tell if Rodney is awake right now or not. It's strange that it's become so familiar to see the two of them glued together like this, that it's so normal to see John constantly touching Rodney.

 

In the past, Rodney’s stories about John has always seemed so detached from regular life on Atlantis. Carson had never been able to imagine the two of them together. He especially couldn't imagine John being intimate with Rodney this way.

 

But he sees a side of John that he never encountered before, gentle, loving, attentive… He's starting to get used to seeing John in this new light.

 

“I’m glad things are different now." He tells John, "That you won’t take him for granted.”

 

“No. Never.” John shakes his head, “I don’t know where he’ll be when he comes out of this. I’m not assuming anything. But if he still wants me, I won’t be an emotional coward and I won’t let him down.”

 

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* * *

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These days, John really misses the old Rodney. Over the last weeks it is like he has reverted back to his most damaged part of his psyche. No, worse; he's far more damaged now than he ever was before.

 

The old confident, arrogant Rodney seems gone forever. He’s so distant and detached… It's disturbing how thin he has become. And he barely even talks anymore. When he does, he mostly mumbles about how disgusting and worthless he is.

 

“I love you, Mere.” John tries to remind him.

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Rodney just stares into empty space.

 

“It matters to me. You matter to me, Mere. Nothing is more important.”

 

“Doesn’t matter.”

 

Happy to have him talking at least, John tries to keep him engaged, “Maybe not right now, but it will matter, Mere.”

 

Rodney’s eyes go vacant and he begins rocking.

 

“Not now, Mere.” John reaches over and pulls Rodney to him, “Don’t go yet, please. Come back to me…”

 

Trying to get through, he brushes his face against Rodney’s check, “Come back to me, Mere. I won’t let you go, I promise.”

 

“Why _don’t_ you just let me go?” Rodney moans.

 

“You know me, Mere.” John cradles his face in his hands, “You know I can’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t ask.”

 

“You’ll leave.” Rodney whispers, “And then I’ll be alone.”

 

”I won’t leave, Mere.” He hugs fiercely, “I'll never leave you again. Please trust me, I promise I won’t let you go.”

 

“Can’t do this...” Rodney shakes his head.

 

“I know,” John pets the side of his face gently, “I know, right now, it’s too hard. Remember what Carson said? You’re suffering from PTSD, these symptoms you’re experiencing , reliving the trauma as if you’re back there, they will fade with time. And when they do I'll still be here holding you close. I’m never letting you go.”

 

“So disgusting…” Rodney whimpers.

 

“Look at me, Mere... McKay!”

 

Rodney’s eyes hesitantly blink up at John.

 

“See what I see. See the way I’m looking at you. That is what is real, the rest is fear. You’re lost in in a dark, frightful nightmare, and you just can’t see your way out.”

 

Rodney nods.

 

“I’m on the other side, Mere. I’m calling to you, telling you this isn’t real and you can find your way out. It won’t feel this way forever.”

 

A few tears streak silently down his face and Rodney blinks.

 

“Will you trust me, Mere? Please hold onto me and trust what I’m saying. Don’t trust the other voices in your head, they’re not real.”

 

“When?” Rodney croaks.

 

Instinctively John understands when he is asking. “If you trust me enough… If you agree not to harm yourself, I think the other side isn’t far off. I just need you to take that first step, trust me and hold on.”

 

“I don’t think I can.” But Rodney’s arms reach up and cling to John desperately, his body heaves with a wrenching sob.

 

“Shh… Yes, you can, Mere. You don’t have to figure else anything out, just trust me to take care of you. Can you do that?”

 

Another intense sob shakes through Rodney’s torso, “You won’t leave me?”

 

“I won’t leave you. I love you so much. I could never leave you now, Rodney.”

 

“But if you go…” Rodney clings onto John and shudders.

 

“I won’t. And as long as I’m here, I want you to promise me that you won’t try to harm yourself.”

 

“Was just my back-up plan anyway.” Rodney catches his breath, “Something to make me feel better.”

 

“Promise.”

 

“You promise first.” Rodney looks intently into John’s eyes.

 

“I promise that you're not going to have to face this alone.” John answers truthfully, “No matter what happens, I'll be here… I won’t leave you, Mere. I told you, we will make it through this together. And when you make it through the other side, I'll still be here. I won’t ever leave you.”

 

“Now you promise me.” He kisses Rodney’s cheek, just above the cute little beard that has begun to grow in.

 

“I promise… I won’t… won’t do anything to hurt myself.”

 

John watches Rodney’s eyes while he speaks, he is focused and intent. Believing him, John squeezes him with a warm rush of relief. “Okay, we’re going to be okay, then. I promise we’ll make it through this.”

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney begins to feel himself coming back to land of the living; he feels his body, the horrible crawling sensation that lives under his skin. But John hands are there to lull him back to some kind of safety. He lets go of his dark fantasies and gives in to what John wants him to do, to come back to reality.

 

He says Rodney is almost out of the woods, it doesn’t feel that way to him, but he'll keep holding onto to John. John is again his life raft in the dark sea fear closing in around him from all sides.

 

Carson and John bring back a lot of the missing things from his room, but the lock on the balcony door stays. At least he'll be able to shave again. As Rodney stabilizes a bit more he starts engaging and talking again.

 

When Carson and John try to convince him that he should talk to a therapist, Rodney’s chest leaps in terror at the thought of someone else intruding into his space.

 

Hyperventilating, he turns to Carson, “I won’t, I won’t talk. You can’t make me. Please, don’t make me.”

 

“Okay, okay, you’re not ready yet. I understand.” John stoops down to the wheelchair and wraps his arms around him.

 

“I can’t… can’t. I’m talking more to you and Carson more, okay?”

 

John’s warm hands side over Rodney’s skin and smooth away the crawling, burning sensation, “It’s okay, Mere. We won’t make you talk to anyone you don’t want to. Just think about. Maybe down the road.”

 

“I hate therapists.” Rodney shakes his head defiantly.

 

“Yeah,” John admits, “Me too.”

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

As the time go by, John sees Rodney’s body healing physically, but it feels like he is still so damaged emotionally. The bandages are off everything but his feet, which still need to heal before Rodney will be able to walk on them again.

 

He does everything he can to shower Rodney with love and affection but Rodney wakes up every night screaming and retching. John has adjusted the medication and food schedule accordingly. Nothing Carson gives him seems to help.

 

Rodney seems to like it when John pets him or holds him. But most of the time he just seems dazed. John tries to be strong for him and suffers his own grief silently. Nights are the worst. John sees those men, their faces... He relives the horror of seeing Alex, the man who raped and abused Rodney for so long.

 

He hears the screams, the laughter, every detail of the night heard them gang-raping Rodney. The horrific things they said, repeating what they learned from Rodney’s past with Alex. Then, finally, hours later, the vision of his slumped and bloody body being dragged down the hall.

 

John wakes up several times a night; he's quiet about it, as if even his sleep self knows that it's important not to disturb Rodney. He tries his best to be playful and project hope for Rodney, but his heart is breaking.

 

Every morning before he goes to go breakfast, before Carson arrives, he fervently whispers to Rodney in his sleep, “Come back to me, Mere”.

 

But he is so far away and John doesn’t know if Rodney will ever be the same. Mornings are usually the best time of the day. John can reach him, literally, before Rodney starts taking his meds for the day and slips away.

 

Sometimes John sees Teyla and Ronan during lunchtime when he is picking up food. Ronan keeps bugging John to hang out, but John hasn’t wanted to leave Rodney’s side, even if Carson can cover for him. It feels like he'll lose him completely if he's gone for too long.

 

It’s hard to keep track of time, but after almost been a month, John feels like he's losing his mind and needs someone to talk to.

 

Finally, he breaks down and asks Rodney if it would okay for Ronan to come by if he stays on the balcony. Rodney is apprehensive but agrees.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronan is anxious to see John when he makes the house call. It has been almost a month since John and Rodney have been back and he has barely seen John this whole time.

 

When he arrives, John asks Ronan to wait in the door and calls out, “Mere? Ronan is here. He’s just going to walk by for a minute and then be with me on the balcony… Is that okay?”

 

There is some mumbling from inside the room.

 

John gives the go ahead to come in, but he asks Ronan to walk by without engaging Rodney. Puzzled, Ronan agrees and follows John through the room.

 

As they pass by, Ronan sees a wheelchair. He can’t stop himself from looking to the bed where Rodney is lying. He glimpses ugly pink scars on Rodney’s wrists and forearms. A crisscrossing from some kind of binding.

 

Rodney meets Ronan’s gaze, wide-eyed in fear, pulling the blanket over his arms and chest, he looks away.

 

Feeling guilty, Ronan averts his eyes as John leads him to the balcony. He isn’t sure what this is about, but he has a feeling that it is much worse he thought. Something is very wrong here.

 

Ronan bites his lip as John closes the balcony door.

 

“Thanks for coming.” John gives Ronan a tired and relieved look.

 

“Course. Whatever you need.” Ronan doesn’t see the point in arguing about the fact that he has been trying to see John for weeks now.

 

“I... just need somebody to talk to.” John sounds so sad.

 

“Done.” Ronan offers confidently.

 

“I don’t even know....” John paces a bit and clenches his fists, “God.”

 

“You left…” Ronan fills in the little bit he does know, “he went after you…”

 

“It has nothing to do with that, really.” John frowns “He found me and it was great...I finally told him how I felt about him but then we were taken.”

 

“Taken?”

 

“A group connected with the Trust. They call themselves The Syndicate.” John shudders.

 

“I remember the Trust,” Ronan nods heavily, “the ones we thought kidnapped Rodney’s sister.”

 

“Well, these guys are worse.” John grips the railing and shakes at it. He balls his fists like he wants to hit something.

 

“Hey,” Ronan reminds him, “No hitting hard stuff, remember?”

 

John looks back into the room where Rodney is hiding under the covers.

 

“Don’t worry,” Ronan assures him, “he can’t hear us.”

 

The side of John’s mouth curls down sadly, “He’s so out of it these days, he probably wouldn’t even notice if we were in the room.”

 

“What happened to him?” Ronan lets himself ask.

 

John makes a face like he is going to be sick.

 

“There are some men that need killing.”

 

“Want any help with that?” Ronan asks.

 

“No.” John shakes his head, “Um, on this planet, that is, ah, kind of frowned upon and it can get you into a lot of trouble.”

 

“They need killing, though.” Ronan presses.

 

“Yes, they do.” John meets his gaze, “But this is something I have to do alone. I don’t want to involve anyone else. Besides this isn’t your kind of thing.”

 

Ronan rears his head, “I’ve done plenty of killing.”

 

“Yeah, Wraith.” John argues.

 

“I’ve done other killing”

 

“Guess so.” John smiles weakly, “But this is still something I have to do alone, I can’t get anyone involved in this.”

 

“Okay.” Ronan accepts what John is saying for now.

 

“Okay.” John repeats the word numbly.

 

He thinks Rodney isn’t the only one who is out of it; Ronan tries to get him to talk, “Why do they need killing?”

 

“Mmm… What happened...” John winces, “Uh, it only lasted two days, but it felt like a lifetime. They, they broke me completely. They broke Rodney worse.”

 

John’s voice gets shaky “They broke him real bad, Ronan. I don’t know if he’s ever coming back… He’s starting to heal physically, but the rest of it, I think it’s getting worse, I, I don’t know if he’ll ever be the same.”

 

Ronan shifts his weight trying to think of the right thing to say.

 

“It’s hard to describe why it was so bad, they got into our heads. They had us figured out, maybe before they even got us there. What they didn’t know they took from our minds.”

 

He gives John a questioning look.

 

“They had this machine. That hooks up to your-” John touches his temple. ”It gets inside your mind and… If somebody asked you what your most painful memory is, it would appear on this...screen. Whether you wanted it to or not, your worst memories would play out like a video for everyone to watch… I mean imagine the most painful, humiliating…”

 

John exhales, looking guiltily back at the room, “Ah, I mean you just probably think, McKay, yeah, sure plenty of embarrassing, humiliating stuff, but this was…”

 

“I think it sounds horrible for anyone.” Ronan is hurt that John would think him that dismissive. “Look, he’s like a brother to me, sure, sometimes an annoying kid brother, but I really care about him. He’s family to me.”

 

“Listen,” John looks like he believes him, and speaks in a low voice, “you can’t tell anyone- I mean, anyone about this.”

 

“Solemn oath.” Ronan stands tall.

 

“Okay, um,” John's voice falls to a whisper, “Rodney once told me something… He said that he had been raped and abused by someone. That it scarred him, left him changed. That he didn’t know if he’d ever get over it… That was all I knew until… Until they dredged up his memory on a screen.”

 

John clears his throat, “I had to watch this guy beating and raping Rodney over and over... And the things that he would say to him… It’s almost worse than…” John’s body stoops.

 

"They knocked me out with something and when I woke up… Rodney… he was in a cell with me. He was in bad shape.” John’s voice cracks and he makes a face of disgust and hatred, “They had been taking turns.”

 

Ronan’s heart sinks in his chest and he starts to shake with rage, thinking about these men violating a member of his family.

 

“And you don’t understand,” John clamors, “I mean, they had… any way they could hurt him… They did, over and over. I thought I’d never seen anything worse… But it got worse. They didn’t even give me a chance to break, they… they wanted to make sure first.”

 

Gripping the railing in front of him in fury, Ronan wants to hit something, he wants to kill these men. John has to let him help.

 

“I tried to clean him up as best I could and…” John’s voice is tight, “we even slept for a little while, but then they came back for him. I wasn’t strong enough, to keep them away. I couldn’t protect him and they took him to a room right by the cell so I had to listen…”

 

“I see their faces every night, I hear his screams, it went on for hours.” John turns to Ronan in desperation, “They knew how to cause enough pain without sending him into complete shock. Advanced torture techniques."

 

John's face twists, "They said the same things, the same horrible things to him. Made him believe it again.

 

Do you understand what that is like, Ronan,” John looks to him with haunted eyes, “to have to listen to the sound of another person being destroyed?”

 

His face contorts with pain, “You know, I’m supposed to be the one that’s okay here, but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after this. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever… And I’ve seen some shit, okay. I’ve been tortured by the Taliban… It’s, never mind, I’ve had some pretty bad stuff happen to me, but this… this is… I try to be strong for his sake but… I don’t know if I’m ever coming back from this.”

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John feels Ronan’s strong hands clasp his shoulders firmly; he has never seen Ronan look so emotional. His brow is darkened into his wide eyes. Ronan’s lower lip is trembling and  there are tears in his eyes.

 

Ronan’s voice is hoarse and angry, “John. We kill. These men.”

 

He feels so weak, it helps to have Ronan here so strong and fierce. “Okay,” He tells him, “We’ll talk about it.”

 

“Yes!" Ronan slaps John’s shoulders with a warrior’s strength, "Yes, we will.” 

 

“I should probably check on him.” He meets Ronan’s eyes with gratitude.

 

“You take care of him, John.” Ronan nods gravely, “And let the rest of us take care of you.”

 

A ghost of a smile passes across John’s lips, “Thanks, buddy.”

 

Ronan clasps John on the back and gives him one of his bear hugs before he releases him.

 

Before they walk back in, John warns Rodney, “Hey Mere. We’re just going to walk through for a minute, okay?”

 

A small moan of acknowledgement comes out from under the covers. John sees Ronan frown and dart his eyes over to the bed where Rodney has completely submerged himself under the blanket. He looks disturbed and keeps his eyes and face forward as he walks out the rest of the way out.

 

After seeing Ronan off, John climbs back into bed with Rodney, easing himself under the covers. He reaches for Rodney, and Rodney comes to him, melting into his arms. John sighs into him, smelling the faint, sweet musk. He loves that smell.

 

“Mere” John brushes his cheek lightly against Rodney’s.

 

Rodney is unresponsive.

 

When John reaches for a package on his side of the bed, Rodney moans in protest as John lifts away.

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” John assures him, “I’m right here. I just have something for you that you might like.”

 

“Mmm.” Rodney groans.

 

He pulls Rodney up to sit with him against the headrest. Rodney seems too drowsy, moaning again with his eyes half-open.

 

Opening it himself, John tries to engage him, “So remember how you wanted one of my shirts?”

 

Interested, Rodney opens his eyes.

 

“So, I got you a bunch of them” John pulls the rest of the wrapping off, he checks to be sure, “Yeah, there’s like 6 here. Only, I got them in a dark blue instead of black.”

 

“You know,” John holds one up to Rodney, “‘cause, your eyes? They’re blue and you… look good in blue.”

 

“You want to try it on?” John sees Rodney smile and his eyes twinkle in response.

 

Nodding shyly, Rodney lifts off his short-sleeved shirt. His chest is completely healed, but Rodney sits self consciously with his shoulders hunched forward.

 

He hands over the shirt and Rodney quickly pulls it over himself. John helps him straighten it all the way down.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney tugs at the sleeves appreciating that they cover the scars on his arms. He hugs himself in the soft cotton; it feels nice, like John.

 

“I like it. A lot.” Rodney wishes he had a nice nickname to call John, one to let John know when Rodney feels extra close to him. He wonders what John’s middle name is and whether John will still let him keep one of his black shirts. It would be nice to have one to wear, when his wants to feel extra close to John.

 

“Thanks. I like them… They’re perfect, now I don’t have to…” Rodney gestures to his wrists.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John touches Rodney’s arms caresses them over the cotton. He looks so beautiful right now. His face healed, and the healthy shin flushed, Rodney's flaxen hair is all tousled from lying under the covers. The blue shirt does really bring out his eyes.

 

If everything weren’t so fucked up, John wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from kissing him right now. But everything is fucked up, and John doesn’t want to do anything that might hurt him. Instead, John lets his eyes show the love he feels.

 

“You look really great, Mere. You look amazing.”

 

He lowers his touch to thread his fingers through Rodney’s. He returns the caress, moving his fingers over John’s palms and fingers. The sensation is tingly and light.

 

“Could I still keep one of your black ones?” Rodney asks suddenly, “Just cause… it’s yours?”

 

“Absolutely.” John’s eyes sparkle.

 

As they snuggle back down onto the bed, Rodney rests his head in his familiar position on John’s chest and they trace their hands against each other, up the arms and back down to fingertips. It's simple... but so perfect.

.

.


	5. Shower Do-Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John and Rodney finally talk about the past and end up resolving things in the shower._  
> .

.  
.  
It is has been 6 weeks since they were rescued, and Rodney is still so out of reach. He seems so dull and groggy throughout the day John thinks it is more than the Post Traumatic Stress… In fact, John is worried that Rodney is on too much medication and decides to talk to Carson about it when he comes by this evening.

 

The suicide watch is over, thankfully. And Rodney got the last of his stitches out over a week ago. Carson has urged Rodney to try out some short walks, -even just from the bed to the bathroom. But Rodney tells John that he doesn’t want to. He says he likes the wheelchair.

 

Even though Carson told Rodney he safely can take a showers now, neither John or Rodney have seemed anxious to make the transition from their day spa ritual. John loves the time he gets to massage Rodney and make him feel good. 

 

Every night Rodney still wakes up screaming and thrashing, dry heaving. It’s like they come for him when Rodney’s defenses are down. The nights are the worst for John too, that’s when they come for him in his dreams. 

 

The only time John feels he can reach in him is first thing in the morning. Most of the day Rodney is dull and hazy, barely speaking. Rodney lets John hold him in the bed, but it is different. It is like Rodney is so far away most of the time. Early mornings they talk more, and John feels like Rodney is connected to him, like Rodney can feel his touch. 

 

John comes back to the room with breakfast and is surprised to find Rodney already awake and sitting up in bed. He looks alert and restless. 

 

“Food or spa?” John gives him his usual choice.

 

Rodney opts to eat, not his usual order preference. 

 

After helping Rodney to the wheelchair, the sit down to eat. Rodney peppers John all kinds of questions about what is happening on Atlantis. He makes a lot of snide comments about the people, even Carson. Maybe Rodney is getting stir crazy. But however bad-tempered, John thinks it is a good sign that he’s talking. 

 

When Rodney asks about Ronan by the old, not very affectionate, nickname of ‘The Caveman’, it makes John smile. Though Ronan’s activities are not usually of interest to Rodney, he tries to find some things to say. 

 

When John runs out of things to say about Ronan, Rodney asks John what he has been doing lately. He seems genuinely interested, but there hasn’t been a whole lot other than taking care of Rodney. John tells him the first thing that pops to mind, that and he and Ronan are considering taking a trip together at some point. John had been planning to wait to talk to Rodney about this, but he seems pretty lucid now.

 

Rodney gives him an odd look and John wonders if he misjudged the situation. He explains, “At some point in the future. Only when you are feeling better and just for a little while. You know, I wouldn’t go unless you were ready, right? It’s just something Ronan and I were talking about.” 

 

Narrowing his eyes, Rodney sets his tray aside. 

 

John’s mouth hangs open as he watches Rodney stand up from the wheelchair and walk to the bed by himself. This is the first time Rodney has gotten up on his feet. He turns his back to John and pulls the covers completely over himself. 

 

John sets his tray down and waits. 

 

The room has gone completely quiet. 

 

Lifting himself gingerly, John tip toes over to the bed, peering at Rodney, “Mere?” 

 

Rodney does not move. 

 

“Mere?” John walks cautiously to the other side of the bed and asks again.

 

Rodney is silent.

 

John kneels down and touches Rodney’s shoulder. It is stiff and unresponsive. He has to make this right, it had just seemed like Rodney was coming out of his shell, and John can’t let him slip away again. 

 

He reaches under the covers and slides in so that he is facing Rodney.  
Once he is under the blanket, John reaches his hand out tentatively for Rodney’s shoulder, “Hey.” 

 

Rodney flinches under his touch. Rodney hasn’t flinched to John’s touch since this all started. John keeps his hand on Rodney’s shoulder and moves it in a soothing sway. 

 

Finally Rodney speaks, he sounds bitter and cold, “I want you to go.”

 

“I’m not leaving you Rodney,” John whispers, “I promise. I’m so sorry I even mentioned that idea. I-” 

 

“I don’t care what you do,” Rodney tone is icy, “just as long as you get the hell out of my room, and leave me alone.” 

 

John licks his lips nervously and keeps petting Rodney’s shoulder. “Mere…”

 

Rodney flings back the blanket from over their heads, displacing John’s hand. His voice is filled with venom, “Just LEAVE. That’s what you’re good at, leaving. I am so sick of you! And all of this! 

 

It's been YEARS that you keep toying with me. Making me think that you care and then throwing me away. You must just think I’m really...” His voice chokes at the end and he stops mid-sentence. 

 

Stricken, John reaches for Rodney, but Rodney bats John’s hands away, “Don’t touch me, don’t you FUCKING touch me. Why do you want to touch me, after all this? I was never good enough for you before. You just want to humiliate me again.” 

 

John’s breath catches. ‘Again?’

 

Before he can find his tongue Rodney is spewing again, “Why are you still here? I want you gone. I want you out of my life! You can’t just fuck with me any time you want to and then change your mind.” 

 

John is sure that Rodney isn’t himself and reaches out trying to hold him, “I didn’t change my mind-” 

 

Rodney wrestles with John, trying to swat his arms away but John keeps trying. Rodney swings furiously, beating at John’s chest, “You’re a liar. Lying, liar. And I hate you. LIAR!” 

 

Rodney throws his arms at John. It doesn’t hurt much and John doesn't try to stop him. He keeps curving his arms, trying to reach Rodney, but Rodney is flailing so much that John can’t get ahold. The sensation of fists pounding on his chest is making it hard for him to catch his breath. 

 

“Whoa. Okay. Rodney. Rodney. I love you. Rodn-” 

 

“Don’t you dare say that.” Rodney's voice cracks, “You’re a liar.” 

 

But Rodney’s physical assault lessens in intensity, allowing John to wrap his arms around Rodney’s back. Rodney still pounds his fists against John, however ineffectually. 

 

His face is pressed into John and he sounds muffled, “You, you, don’t care about me. If you did you, you, wouldn’t have…” 

 

Giving a soft sob, Rodney beats his fists mutely against John. His body sags in defeat, he cries and hits his fist into John with each word, “I. Hate. You.” 

 

It sounds very unconvincing. John loosens his grip on Rodney and pets his back, “Shhh, it’s okay” 

 

“Why?” Rodney makes a keening sound.

 

He isn’t sure what Rodney is asking but John tries to think of an answer.

 

“You didn’t care about me.” Rodney chokes back a sob, “You didn’t care how I felt. You just wanted to fuck me, to use me, and throw me away.” His voice sounds small and tearful, “I knew that then, but I let you… anyway. Even though you…” 

 

Punching John harder this time, Rodney swallows and his teary voice disappears, instead it is hard and filled with venom, “I hate you.” 

 

This time it sounds convincing. 

 

John’s body goes slack and his stomach drops out from under him. He knows now, all the ugly things that Alex told Rodney. All the scars... everything that Rodney must have been feeling when John had fucked him. It is almost too much to bear, the thought that Rodney had felt that way when John was inside him. 

 

Speaking without any air in his lungs, John wilts, “Ohhh. Oh, no... Oh, God. Rodney, I’m so sorry... God.” 

 

“Why?” Rodney whimpers into John’s chest.

 

His hands trembling on Rodney’s back, John tries to move again but feels frozen. His breath is halting, “I, I, I’m sorry. I, was... scared. Didn’t know how to…” 

 

Shaking his head in shame, John confesses his guilt, “I am so sorry that I didn’t know… how to be with you… I have wished for so long… wished I would done things so differently.” 

 

“Right.” Rodney sounds embittered. 

 

“Listen, Rodney.” John pulls Rodney up into him and speaks hoarsely, “I’d never been with a man the way I was with you. I mean it. Before you, it was only ever a one-time thing for me. I know, I KNOW it wasn’t close to good enough. But with you, I felt more, I wanted more. And I never wanted to use you or, or make you feel small –I SWEAR.” 

 

“Then why did you stop?” Rodney glares up at John, “And why did you push me away when I tried to get closer to you?” 

 

“Mostly… because I’m an idiot.” John presses his lips together and grimaces knowing what an empty excuse he is offering. He's never been any good talking about his feeling but he has to try no matter how it comes out.

 

"I hate myself too." John's throat clenches, "For every... for being so, being such a fucking bastard and I... I can't explain but I was scared.

 

“And I, uh,", Rodney's brow creases as John continues, "once I realized I was hurting you, I was terrified.” 

 

Rodney blinks in confusion.“Why did you think you were hurting me?” he demands.

 

John lifts an uncertain hand to Rodney’s face and holds it still, “Because… I, came back that night, in the shower… I wanted more… to be with you… more. And I saw that I had hurt you instead.” 

 

“You...” Rodney opens his mouth in shock, “came back?” 

 

“Yeah...” John exhales quietly, “I saw you on the floor… and… I was a coward, I ran. I knew I did something wrong. I just didn’t understand what, or what to do because I was so… so fucking useless. I should have gone to you and-” John's throat clenches and he loses his voice

 

Mmm-wha” Rodney closes his mouth before asking, “What did you want… what, more?” 

 

“I don’t think I really knew,” John dares to move his hand and trail it lightly across Rodney’s jaw, “because, I… hadn’t done it before, but… I think to hold you, to touch you like this.” 

 

Rodney shudders a little in John’s arms. 

 

“And maybe to kiss you.” John whispers.

 

“But when I tried to kiss you…?” Rodney objects.

 

“I know.” John bites his lower lip, “I’m an idiot. I wanted to I- It was just- I’d never kissed a guy, and it scared me to be feeling so much... I only knew how to be raw and sexual. But with us... it was different, more. I’m sorry I was such a coward. I should have been able to give you so much more." 

 

John sighs and squeezes his eyes shut, "You deserved so much better.” 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney remembers the horrible story about John’s father disowning him, screaming ‘No son of mine is fucking… FAGGOT!’ 

 

“Oh. You were afraid that you were…” 

 

“A faggot?” John grimaces, “Yeah. Guess he was right.” 

 

“That’s an ugly slur that small-minded people use.” Rodney bristles, “You can call yourself whatever makes sense to you, whatever you want.” 

 

“None of that matters anymore” John looks back up to Rodney, his eyes so wide and so sincere almost boyishly innocent, “I just want you, Rodney.” 

 

Rodney shudders again. “Oh… Even now? After all this?” 

 

The open expression remains on John’s face, but it is washed with shock, “What? Yes. More than ever. I mean, not now _now_ , obviously. I can wait. I waited 5 years, I’ll wait as long as- “ 

 

“I would hardly say you’ve waited.” Rodney smirks with a note of real bitterness.

 

“You know?” John rolls his eyes and offers a smile that doesn't really conceal his sadness, “The rumors of my intergalactic affairs have been greatly exaggerated, mostly by you. Despite what you may think, my time in Pegasus was spent mostly sexless…"

 

"Well, apart from my own…” John waves his free hand. 

 

At that Rodney finds himself offering a small but genuine smile of amusement, “And what were you thinking about, you and your hand?” 

 

“I was thinking about you, Mere.” John lowers his head levels his eyes at Rodney sincerely.

 

“I was thinking about you, too.” Rodney swallows.

 

“The whole 5 years?” John sounds teasing.

 

“Well…” Rodney stumbles, “There were times, when I really was trying to get over you and, I had a little help from my friend Sam.” 

 

“Uh-huh.” John chuckles, “Whatever you say… Kirk.” 

 

“Hardly.” Rodney can’t help but laugh at the preposterous imagine of himself as Captain Kirk. He whips a pillow from behind him and smacks John in the face with it. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

“Hey!” John exclaims, “I’m really taking a beating here.” 

 

“Sorry.” Rodney puts the pillow back, “Just feeling, really edgy today.” 

 

“You should finish eating.” John urges him.

 

Rodney shrugs apathetically. 

 

“You need it. To keep your strength up.” John insists.

 

On his feet agiain, Rodney stands and picks his tray back up. John smiles to see Rodney walking, a very good sign. He slides over the bed and sits in the chair next to Rodney. 

 

Rodney uses his feet to angle the wheelchair closer to John’s chair, then starts eating again, distracted and focused on his food. John watches him with a feeling of deep guilt still hollow in his chest. They've never talked about any of this before and now that John knows everything... the things Rodney was feeling... John won't ever forgive himself for this. Rodney probably does hate him and he knows he deserves it. But the thought that Rodney believed he really wanted to hurt him the way Alex did is killing him.

 

“I know I wasn’t good to you…" John sets his fork down and waits for Rodney to look up, “I know, I fucked up it all up. But even though I didn’t show it, you did mean something to me. You meant a lot to me even before we got to Pegasus. And, and our time together… that was one of my longest relationships.” 

 

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* * *

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Rodney stops eating and rears his head back, “Relationship?” 

 

“Well,” John looks embarrassed, “I just mean, you know… I haven't been the best at opening up or maintaining a connection for very long. Other than Nancy and Teer-“

 

“You know what? I really don’t need a list.” Rodney snorts.

 

“I just mean, you were one of the people I spent the most time with.” John says haltingly with a pained expression.

 

Feeling somewhat flattered and sorry for John at the same time, he asks, “So, you mean you fucked your wife AT LEAST more than 16 times.” 

 

“You counted?” John lowers his gaze.

 

“I’m a mathematician.” Rodney tries to sound ambivalent.

 

John looks back at him sorrowfully and Rodney softens his tone, “How long were you and Nancy together?” 

 

“Um, uh, About two and half years.", John presses his lips together, "Married for two. Can’t believe she stayed with me as long as she did, not that I was around much. I only really knew how to do casual before that so... I wasn’t very good at being married. She was right that I was, ah, disconnected and, uh… you know a train wreck and all.

 

Looking up imploringly, John continues, "But, I’ve been trying to work stuff out since then. And Rodney… I know I don't deserve you but... I do love you and I think.., No, I mean, I KNOW I could do better. I really do.” John's words hang in the air like he begging Rodney to believe him.

 

Rodney blinks… is John trying to convince Rodney… That John is worthy of him? It seems so twisted around since Rodney could hardly imagine himself worthy of anyone, let alone John. 

 

But then Rodney realizes he has just been screaming at John. He had told John he hated him and wanted him out of his life. What was wrong with him? Rodney has always wanted to talk about Antarctica, but not like this, so frightened, petty, and mean. But John is still here, trying to convince Rodney that he loves him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Rodney closes his eyes, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t mean the things I said. I’ve never felt I was good enough for you and I especially can’t believe it now.” 

 

He sets down his tray asks in a small voice, “Do you really mean what you said before? Did you…” Rodney feels fragile, “Am I really.... Your love?” 

 

John glides off his chair and knees by the wheelchair, gently taking Rodney’s head in his hands. He looks at Rodney vulnerably, “You remembered that? Yes, Mere… You’re my love.” 

 

Still holding his face, John rests his forehead against Rodney’s. He whispers, “You’re my everything.” 

 

Rodney reaches his hands up to caress the sides of John’s face. It feels like too much to hope for, to let himself believe. 

 

“You know…" Rodney whispers back, ”We could take a shower…” 

 

“You mean, together?” John lifts his head away from Rodney's and raises his brows.

 

“Or not.” Rodney pulls back defensively.

 

“Okay.” John answers quickly, "You wanna walk or-” 

 

“Yeah.” Rodney is tense, “I’ll walk. He pushes himself up and walks with a bit of awkward limp to the bathroom. 

 

John follows close behind. 

 

Before he gets undressed, Rodney points out to John, “You know, I’ve got a lot of scars, now.” 

 

“Yeah, well…” John tilts his head curiously at Rodney, “Me too, actually.” 

 

“I’m just saying that…” Rodney is pensive, “Well, I wasn’t that attractive to begin with and now...” 

 

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* * *

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John can’t believe sometimes how warped Rodney’s perception of himself is. He gives a long blink and shakes his head.

 

“You’re beautiful, Mere. I think I've seen them all but if you want to show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” 

 

Looking encouraged, Rodney starts to take his shirt off. 

 

John strips himself and turns the water on. Rodney steps in shyly behind him and John moves aside to let him get under the shower stream. 

 

“So, is this like, my chance for a shower do-over?” Johns asks hopefully.

 

“If you want it to be.” Rodney smiles, looking less self-conscious.

 

“Okay, note to self. Don’t fuck this up.” John smiles back while soaping up a cloth.  
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	6. I'll do what I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _After an intimate shower with John, Rodney is fantasizing about new things he wants them to do together._  
> .

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Rodney smiles as John begins caress his back with the cloth. John moves at a leisurely pace. When he reaches around to do Rodney’s chest, Rodney turns around to face him. He enjoys the sensation of John’s hands over his body. 

 

This shower makes it much easier to get clean, but Rodney feels like it is going by too fast, he preferred the days of John giving him sponge baths. 

 

John takes his time, but it is still over too soon. 

 

“Can I, do you?” Rodney voices a thought.

 

As John hands him the washcloth Rodney takes in the sight of John’s body up close like this while he adds more soap to the cloth. John is exquisite. He is so lean and tall, every part of him flows into perfect structure of male strength and grace. 

 

Oh. And John’s hair. Rodney is going to use this opportunity to mess it up and play with it. Rodney steps closer and slowly moves the rag over John’s chest. As he looks more closely, he can see it is covered with scars. But they don’t stand out much and are covered with a dusting of dark hair. 

 

“This one is from a bug.” John starts by pointing to his neck. He goes on to recount numerous injuries, North Korea, Wraith, Afghanistan, Taliban. 

 

Pointing to large circular scar on his abdomen, “Oh this one was from a booby trapped building, courtesy of Michael… and this one from a Wraith snake-thing.”

 

Rodney can’t believe how many times this man has been shot or maimed, but the bulk of the scars go under the heading, ‘Taliban’. 

 

After showing his chest, back, arms, and legs, he even tells Rodney, “Oh, yeah, they got my feet too.” 

 

He peers at the sole of John’s foot as he lifts it. It is covered in scar tissue. Rodney lifts one of his own feet, “I think mine are worse… But other than that alien laser, I only have one bullet hole. From where you shot me, by the way.” 

 

“I said I was SORRY…” John lifts his hands; then changes the focus, “What else do you got?” 

 

Rodney finds a few unremarkable scars ands then points out the faded patch where Kolya carved into his arm. Admitting, “Not as much as you, but these,” Rodney holds out his wrists to expose the ugly pink welts winding around his forearms, “these, are particularly humiliating.” 

 

“Mere, you’re so beautiful.” John touches the traces the scars with his fingers.

 

“No, you are. You are so…” Rodney shakes his head, exploring John’s body as he washes it, “You are so sexy. Your body is perfect.” 

 

John groans happily as Rodney continues from John’s chest and legs, to his back. Rodney lets himself cup John’s perky ass with his hand, “You have such a nice ass.” 

 

“Mmm. No.” John makes a noise, “You, you have a fine ass my friend. Much better than mine.” 

 

“Really?” Rodney is surprised.

 

“Has no one ever told you this before?” 

 

“Well,” Rodney thinks, “maybe once or twice, but I just thought they were being nice.” 

 

“Well, they weren’t.” John sets him straight, “It is amazing and gravity defying. I’ve spent many a night, me and my hand, dreaming about it.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney is stunned.

 

He saves John’s cock for last. He doesn't linger too long, remembering the many nights he spent lusting after it. Suddenly he announces, “You’re not getting off that easy, I want to wash your hair.” 

 

“Okay” John smiles easily. 

 

After, leading John under the shower to wash the soap off his skin and get his hair wet, Rodney confidently tells John to sit down. The two of them sit to the side of the water current. He runs his fingers through John’s hair. He tussles it and grabs a handful of it, tugging it gently. 

 

“Mmm, I love your hair… so much.” Rodney runs both hands through it and grabs onto the sides.

 

“Just don’t get... too edgy with it.” John grins.

 

“I’ll do what I want.” Rodney feels defiant.

 

John doesn’t argue. 

 

He feels intoxicated by the fact that John is letting him have his way with his hair like this. Rodney leans over and kisses the back of John’s wet neck, sucking on it, biting it softly, and moving his lips along the curve until he reaches the nape. He rests his face against the back of John’s head, still running his fingers through the thick mop on top. 

 

“Love it so much…” Rodney sighs as he gets the shampoo.

 

“I guess so.” John looks up at Rodney with amusement.

 

While Rodney massages shampoo into John’s scalp, John looks up at him, "Well, much as I love your ass, it's ah... just one of your many, ah, attributes."

 

Rodney laughs and John continues “I’m serious though, you have no idea how beautiful you are. Your face with those high cheekbones, the line of your jaw, perfect pitch of your nose... the light flaxen-y, auburn-y color of your hair that makes your eyes stand out... Yeah... Yeah, it's your eyes though that say everything though ...and make me ache to touch your smooth skin-” 

 

“Yeah," Rodney interjects in a self-deprecating voice, "smooth and hairless.”

 

“Exactly.” John stresses, “You only have hair in the right places. Your arms and legs are… Mmm, so perfect. The slope of your neck down to your shoulders... from your hipbone to that perfectly huge cock. And of course, your perfectly huge brain. 

 

Rodney stops moving his hands and takes in John's expression. He is unused to hearing someone compliment him so much and it is disconcerting. But John's face seems so open, almost a bit insecure as he tries to express himself.

 

"I'm not... obviously it's more than the way you look. I just" John exhales shyly, "Uh, you know, it's everything that makes you beautiful. Your humor, your dorky self confidence… the way you play… the gentleness beneath your abrasive surface. I’m, uh, pretty much totally in love you." 

 

Rodney makes an expression of disbelief and wrinkles his nose.

 

"Really." John holds his gaze "You're the truest, best person I've ever known. I'm, uh, not saying these are all the reasons, I just... off the top of my head... Point is, you're really amazing... And, uh, I would be really, really lucky to be with you, in any way… 

 

John's eyes flicker down uncertainly and back up to Rodney, "I mean, If you ever gave me another chance, I promise I wouldn’t take it for granted.” 

 

No one has ever spoken to him like this before. Rodney is taken aback by litany of praise. He wants to let himself believe that John really loves him. John offers reasonable validations for his feelings. Only, it just doesn’t make sense with what Rodney knows about himself. 

 

Still, John seems to really believe it… at least for now. Rodney feels so helpless. He needs John desperately. But he is so afraid for John to know just how much. 

 

He motions John to get up to rinse his hair. Rodney runs his fingers through John’s hair, then down his face and neck. John’s hair is clean and he has no reason touch anymore, but Rodney can’t stop. He trails his fingers down over John’s chest. 

 

John looks heavy-lidded and sways, almost losing his footing. He grabs onto Rodney and pulling him backward into his chest. 

 

Rodney closes his eyes and rests his back into John’s embrace.

 

“Mere.” John murmurs as he trials his lips along Rodney’s neck, kissing him.

 

A light-headed and giddy feeling rushes through him as Rodney enjoys the warm wash of the shower running over them both. 

 

“Oh my God.” John’s body suddenly stiffens and he stops, “I’m so sorry.” 

 

Oh. Rodney realizes that John’s cock is hard against him. 

 

Stumbling back away from Rodney, John tells him “I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to…” 

 

“No. It’s okay.” Rodney tries to assure him, “Don’t be sorry, I mean, I’m sorry that I can’t…” 

 

“No!” John looks horrified, “Of course not. And I would never... I didn’t mean to…” 

 

“Guess you do find me attractive.” Rodney smiles hesitantly.

 

“Yeah.” John flushes, “I’m going to get out of the shower now.” 

 

“Sorry” Rodney feels guilty that he can’t give John what he wants, “If I could-” 

 

“I wouldn’t.” John cuts him off, “Won’t. Not until you are sure. And not until I am very, ah, very sure, that you won’t be hurt in any way.” He smiles jokingly, “Besides, me and my hand, we’re good friends by now.” 

 

Rodney suppresses a small laugh and watches John leave the room with a towel. He leans against the tiled wall and looks down at him own cock, almost fully erect. 

 

He hasn’t felt anything sexual like this, not since everything that happened. He wonders if it is even possible for him to try cum without seeing the ugly images that haunt him at night, the faces of the men who raped him. 

 

Reaching down, he tentatively touches his cock. John had called it huge. Rodney strokes himself until he is completely hard. John’s cock is bigger, but not by that much. Rodney has never really thought of himself as a guy with a big cock before, but he isn’t much smaller than John. And John’s cock truly is epic. 

 

John's cock... Rodney closes his hand around his own erection and thinks about John holding him. He remembers the way it felt kissing John that night in the hotel room and closes his eyes in pleasure. In his mind he sees the longing and love in John’s eyes… 

 

He can taste John's clean skin as he kissed and bit into his neck. Oh God. John is under him now, letting Rodney have his way with his body... the way he did with his hair. 

 

He has never stroked his cock thinking about this before. It used to be all about John fucking him with that massive cock. But this time, Rodney fantasizes about taking John and making him moan under him… 

 

Moaning himself, Rodney feels close to cumming. Yeah, John is convulsing and shaking in pleasure with Rodney’s cock deep inside him… 

 

Yeah. John cumming under Rodney, calling out his name… 

 

“Oh God. John” Rodney’s body spasms as he cums into his hand. 

 

He makes a noise of contentment as the aftershocks of the orgasm roll through him. It does still feel good. Rodney hadn’t known if it was still possible. He hadn’t really felt interested in trying until now. Painkillers probably have something to do with with that. It feels like the edge his fallen away from him a bit, but he still needs to figure out a way to get some more pills from Carson. 

 

Carson. What is going to say to Carson to get more pills? It seems less pressing now, he feels less irritable and anxious after that orgasm. He'll figure something out later.

 

When Rodney emerges from the bathroom he sees John changing the sheets. He looks up at Rodney a little guiltily. Rodney tilts his head and John’s bashful smile confirms Rodney’s suspicions. 

 

“Were you thinking about me?” Rodney smirks.

 

“Definitely.” John lifts his eyebrows playfully.

 

“I was too.” Rodney admits, “In the shower… not thinking about myself, I mean.” 

 

John chuckles as Rodney continues, “I was thinking about you.” 

 

“Good.” John straightens out the bedspread with a glint in his eyes.

 

Rodney turns to his cabinet to get dressed. He wants one of his blue shirts. Where are they? 

 

They were here yesterday. Weren’t they? Rodney pulls out multiple drawers in frustration, throwing clothes onto the floor. But as he tries to close one of the drawers that has turned up nothing, it seems stuck and he can’t quite get it to move. As he pulls it back to change to angle, the entire drawer comes out, causing him to fall backwards onto the floor with in on his lap. 

 

Filled with rage at the offending drawer, he stands up to put it back, his hands shaking. He leans closer and tries fit in. 

 

And then Rodney loses it. 

 

“Fucking-Goddamn-fucking-piece-of-shit. This fucking shit. Fuck!” 

 

He grips onto the handles smashes the drawer against the cabinet. It doesn't yield to his satisfaction, so Rodney continues to assault the cabinet until the drawer begins to come apart. 

 

“Rodney? Hey.” He hears John’s voice behind him, “What’s going on? Wanna set that down for a minute?” 

 

Still gripping the broken drawer, his eyes narrow as Rodney turns to face John, “No.” 

 

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* * *

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“Something wrong. What’s wrong, Mere?” John seeing Rodney’s arms are shaking.

 

“What’s wrong is,” Rodney grits his teeth, “I can’t find my fucking shirt!” 

 

John steps up to the cabinet and pulls one of the long sleeved blue shirts out. Rodney throws the drawer on the ground in fury and yanks the shirt from John’s hands with a glare. As Rodney pulls the shirt on, John sees he is still shaking. He watches Rodney carefully as he continues to get dressed. 

 

“What!?” Rodney turns to John with hostility and slams his hand into one of the intact drawers.

 

“I just want to…” John picks up Rodney’s fallen towel, “check your feet and make sure…” 

 

Accustomed to letting John tend to him, Rodney sits on the end of the bed. John uses a dry part of the towel to remove any excess moisture and smiles at Rodney cautiously.

 

“They’re looking really good, Mere.” but John feels a tremor in Rodney’s legs. This is more than just anger, he is sure something is wrong. 

 

He folds the towel and places in the hamper. Then he carefully picks up the strewn item on the floor and folds them back into place, finding room for them in the remaining drawers. John quietly picks up the broken pieces of the drawer and stacks them next the garbage can. 

 

When he turns to look at Rodney again, he is lying in bed with his computer propped on his knees, glaring at the screen.

 

John steps out onto the balcony and radios Carson, asking him if he can come earlier today than he was planning to. Hearing the concern in John’s voice, Carson tells him he will be there in a few minutes. 

 

As he returns to the room John notices that Rodney’s hands are trembling on the keyboard. 

 

“So, Carson is coming by.” he speaks up.

 

“I know.” Rodney doesn’t look up and keeps typing. He sounds annoyed.

 

“I mean, he is coming, now.” John elaborates.

 

Rodney frowns and stops typing. 

 

“I just wanted to let you know.” John keeps his tone calm.

 

But Rodney doesn’t answer seeming lost in thought. John picks up stray items around the room as he usually does, keeping it clean and tidy. When he hears the chime, John greets Carson at the door. He tells Carson that Rodney is shaking like a leaf and he seems to be experiencing mood swings. 

 

“It’s very understandable, considering what’ he’s been through.” Carson assures John that he will check it out.

 

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* * *

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Carson walks in, concerned by the tone of John's voice over the com. He greets Rodney warmly, asking him how he is doing. 

 

“Well, I’m in a lot of pain.” Rodney frowns, “Other than that, I guess. Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced the bottle. So I’m in a lot of pain today.” 

 

“Rodney, I just gave you a new one.” Carson sighs, he shakes his head and looks at John, “Did you lose it again?” 

 

“What do mean, again?” John looks at Carson flabbergasted.

 

“Well, because you keep losing-” Carson stops mid-sentence as he sees the expression on John’s face. 

 

John is shaking his head, his face worried and scrunched into itself. 

 

Turning back to Rodney, Carson asks, “Just how many of these pills had you been taking, Rodney?” 

 

“I just take them for pain.” Rodney answers defensively.

 

Feeling stupid for missing this, Carson closes his eyes, “How many a day, Rodney?” 

 

“I don’t know.” Rodney shrugs, “I just take them when I’m in pain.” 

 

“Ah, so, is it, ah, physical or emotional pain?” Carson speaks softly.

 

“Whatever.” Rodney flits his eyes around the room, “You know, enough to make everything go away.” 

 

“Okay, Rodney, that is not how they are meant to be used. This could have a real effect on-” Carson sits on the side of the bed, “Rodney, have you have any today?” 

 

“No.” Rodney rolls his eyes, “I told you I lost them.” 

 

“Okay.” Carson is placating, “Could you do me a favor and hold out your arm for me.” 

 

Rodney complies; his scars are covered by a long sleeved shirt so he holds out his arm unselfconsciously. But his arm shakes visibly as he tries to hold it steady for Carson’s inspection. 

 

“Okay. That’s good Rodney.” Carson reassures him. He looks at John apologetically, “I should have seen this sooner. I’m sorry. I’ll put together a new treatment regimen.” 

 

John nods as Rodney complains, “I don’t need a new regimen, I just need a refill, of the old one.” 

 

“Rodney,” Carson turns to his friend, “you know what withdrawal is, don’t you?” 

 

“Of course I know what withdrawal is," Rodney snaps, "I’m not an idiot.”

 

“Well,” Carson continues, “that is what you’re body is going through right now.” 

 

“Please Carson, you don’t understand. I need them, otherwise I feel everything, and I can’t do that. It’s too much. Everything is too much. Please understand that.” Rodney pleads.

 

“I do understand.” Carson is sympathetic, “And I will taper you down on some benzodiazepines. But for from now on the pain relief is going to be ibuprofen.” 

 

Rodney clutches at his shirt sleeves fitfully. 

 

“Don’t worry” Carson assures him, “I’m going to get you something right away to help calm you down. You aren’t going to feel this way. The next few days might be a little rough but you are going to get through this, I promise.” 

 

“I’m tired of getting through this.” Rodney looks weary.

 

“Mere,” John reaches over and touches the back of Rodney's face, “we’ll get through it. You’ve come a long way already. Just a little bit further, okay?” 

 

Looking up at John with trust and surrender, Rodney and gives a meek nod. 

 

Carson has some private words with John before he leaves to go get the medications. As he makes his way to the infirmary, Carson reflects on how John has taken care of Rodney over the last month and a half. It has really impressed him how he has tended to Rodney selflessly with such devotion. 

 

He can’t help but notice the way look at each other. The two of them obviously have a deep bond, one that Carson underestimated when he urged Rodney to try to move past his feelings for John. He is so grateful now that Rodney has John.  
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	7. Hitting me isn't reward enough?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John invents a new game for them to play as he and Rodney grow more intimate._  
> .

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The next few days are not easy for Rodney; he is fidgety and restless. But John sees it as a breakthrough. He is starting to seem like the old Rodney again –well, maybe Rodney when he was at his most irritable, but he’ll take what he can get. 

 

Besides, John has a new tool as his disposal. When Rodney seems like he just can’t take it anymore, John coaxes him to play with his hair. It distracts him, he even seems happy for a while. John tries not to overuse the ploy; he doesn’t want it to lose its effect. 

 

Both days and nights are hard now. Rodney is alert again, but he is still distressed. Still, John has come up with a new plan. He tells Rodney he has surprise for him, that they are going to venture into the city, alone at night. 

 

Rodney is fearful but John assures him that it is going to be fun. He reminds Rodney of all the late nights they spent together exploring the city and playing games into the wee hours. Rodney agrees as long as John can promise that he won’t have to talk to anyone. 

 

When Rodney makes it through the door outside his quarters, John is proud of him. Happy even. He can't believe Rodney is walking and he is out of the room. Now he just has to get Rodney happy too. The two of them make their way through the city and John leads Rodney into the gym. 

 

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* * *

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“Oh, great.” Rodney groans, “What, are you going to beat me up now?” 

 

“Hmm-Mmm.” John darts in front of Rodney playfully, "Nope. You’re going to beat me up.” 

 

“Yeah, right.” Rodney snorts.

 

“Come on.” John dodges as if he is deflecting blows, “You know you’d like it. Don’t tell me I don’t deserve it?” 

 

“What am I missing here?” Rodney peers at John.

 

“Okay. Here’s the game.” John points to some supplies against the wall, he picks out some padding and boxing equipment, “You are going to fight me, but I’m not going to fight back.” 

 

“How is that a game?” Rodney whines derisively. 

 

“Well,” John attaches some padding to his midsection, “if you can manage to take me down, you win. Still, even with those odds, I think it’s going to be a challenge for you” 

 

“You do deserve it.” Rodney purses his lips and narrows his eyes. 

 

“Yeah,” John wags his head at Rodney, “think all those time when I teased you mercilessly and you no comebacks, all those times when you just wanted to haul off and punch me in the face. Well, now’s your chance for payback.” 

 

“I had comebacks.” Rodney protests.

 

John winces sarcastically and raises his hands in a reproachful shrug. 

 

Now Rodney is fuming, his whole face set into glare. 

 

Handing Rodney the boxing gloves, John helps him put them on. 

 

He teases, “Let’s see if you can take me... If you get in one solid punch in, even with both of my hands tied behind my back, then I owe you a chocolate bar.” 

 

“You’re on.” Rodney moves his hands feeling the extra weight of the gloves; he moves onto the padded floor watches John’s movements. After faking a few throws, Rodney lands one. He smacks John hard, straight into the jaw. 

 

Reeling his head back, John holds his chin, “Whoa. Okay. Okay. I’m a man of my word. I owe you a chocolate bar.... but you know…” 

 

“I think I’m gonna need one of these.” John picks up the padded face guard, and pulls it over his face. Rodney smirks, thinking this is more fun that he thought it would be. 

 

“So, John tells him, “anywhere you can hit is a valid target, it doesn’t always have to be the face.” 

 

“So, do I get a chocolate bar for every score?” 

 

“Hitting me isn’t reward enough?” John looks exasperated even through the mask.

 

Rodney smiles and follows John around the room. He gets a satisfying punch into John’s stomach. John tries to evade him but Rodney lands another hit onto the side of his face. It feels good when hears that solid smacking sound. 

 

He likes the feeling of power he has when he lands a punch. John darts and dodges but Rodney keeps up with him and John is taking real beating. It takes some work and Rodney is a bit out of breath from the exertion. But it is just challenging enough to keep Rodney interested, easy enough bring him satisfaction. 

 

John is getting his ass kicked and Rodney is winning. Rodney likes to win. He starts to taunt John about it and John looks frustrated, trying harder, but unsuccessfully, to evade him.

 

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* * *

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John tries hard to put on a front, to make it seem like he is attempting to avoid Rodney, but really what he wants, what Rodney needs, is to hit something. John doesn’t know how he would have made through life himself without that valuable tool. 

 

A tool Rodney never seemed to pick up. John knows Rodney doesn't like to be bad at something, he wants to excel immediately. So John is giving him that chance. Letting Rodney be good at this, enough to whet his appetite and show him what he has been missing. 

 

And Rodney is flushed and excited; he is finally getting some exercise. He has gotten so thin and pale lately. It is nice to see some color in his cheeks. John can tell every time Rodney lands a blow, that it feels good for him. He is going to keep Rodney at it as long as he can. Maybe Rodney will sleep better tonight and maybe it will help with the nightmares. 

 

“Admit it, I so win.” Rodney seems exhilarated by the end of the game.

 

“You won.” John puts away the supplies and sounds humbled, “Guess I underestimated you”. 

 

“An all too common error, I assure you…” Rodney is smug, “maybe next time we could add a level of difficulty.” 

 

“I don’t know, I guess I could try again” John hides his excitement and feigns defensiveness, “No. Fine tomorrow night, we go again.” 

 

“You’re on.” Rodney gives John a defiant look.

 

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* * *

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Rodney eats very little in the evening, due to the effect of the recurring nightmares. Mostly he drinks juice to keep his blood sugar level up. Before bed, Rodney tires himself by soundly beating John in the gym. It becomes one of their rituals at night. John had started to teach Rodney some good attacks and strikes. John tries to evade the techniques, but Rodney is usually able to land his blows. 

 

Sometimes he takes John down entirely, so that he is flat on the floor. By the time they are done, Rodney is exhausted and ready for sleep. 

 

They quickly take turns showering and then Rodney climbs happily into John’s arms. And John is there to hold Rodney at night when he wakes up screaming, when the men come for him. He is embarrassed that he still throws up afterwards, mostly he dry heaves because he his stomach is empty. 

 

John keeps a cool cloth on Rodney’s brow and rubs his back until it passes. Then John takes back to bed Rodney, soothing and caressing him until his falls asleep again. He buries himself into John’s chest and lets John hold him; he makes the demons go away. 

 

He strokes Rodney’s hair and tells him that he is healing, getting stronger every day. Rodney isn’t so sure that is true but as long as he has John here with him it is bearable. He is so scared the John will leave him alone. He promised he wouldn’t, but Rodney is still afraid. He tries not to let himself think about the fear, just to let himself surrender to the comfort of John’s strong arms around him. 

 

Rodney has gotten used to Ronan’s occasional visits. He has even started talking to him a little bit. It is a relief that Ronan treats him the same way he always did and asks no questions. Ronan seems very amused by the stories of how John is getting his ass handed to him by Rodney. 

 

Ronan teases John, “How hard can it be, getting out of the way in time before you smacks you?” 

 

“It’s harder than it looks” 

 

“You’re losing your edge, old man,” Ronan shakes his head at John, “gotta fight with me some time.” 

 

When Ronan leaves, John tells Rodney that he has a surprise for him.

 

Curious, Rodney looks up from the bed, “What kind of surprise?”

 

“Just a movie I think you’ll like.” John pulls his laptop.

 

“Don’t make me wait, tell me what it is.”

 

“Give me 5 minutes. You’ll see.”

 

“You know I’m no good at waiting.” Rodney complains.

 

“It’s not a Christmas present! 5 minutes.” John chuckles, as he sets up the laptop and snuggles into bed with Rodney.

 

Rodney sighs into John’s arms and waits. He doesn’t recognize the first scene right away, the rain falling drearily over a window pane. Then the shot pans back to an actor sitting on the bed, hearing his wife’s voice ask, “Don’t you love me anymore?” 

 

_Ah, it’s ‘Solaris’._ “You remembered.” Rodney is taken aback.

 

“Of course I remembered your favorite movie.”

 

“Oh, well." Rodney is still impressed, "It was just that one time I told you.”

 

“It was a pretty memorable conversation.” John's arms tighten around him.

 

Leaning back into John’s chest, he whispers up to him, “Just to warn you, it’s a little slow.” 

 

“I remember." John kisses the back of Rodney's neck, "You told me.”

 

“Yeah, guess I already ruined the plot for you.”

 

“I don’t think so, I’m fascinated to see what fascinates you.”

 

A while later John murmurs, “It is hypnotic. The music, I mean.”

 

“Mmm.”

 

When the first line of the Dylan Thomas poem is mentioned, Rodney feels John take a deep breath. 

 

He squeezes John’s arms and they watch in silence for a time. They reach scene where the poem comes to fruition, quoted as the woman takes her own life, dying with the crumpled page in her hand. 

 

The copy of his wife, Rheya, remembers her death and looks to her husband in horror, “You found me.”

 

“I came back for you.” He tells her, “I’m sorry.”

 

There are a lot of people killing themselves in this movie. Rodney knows it is a difficult theme for John. Suddenly he thinks back to his recent death wish. God, how could he have been so selfish? Rodney reaches up to caress John’s face. 

 

He turns his head and kisses the side of John's neck, holding his lips there. John makes a happy moan and pulls him in even closer into his chest.

 

The film is a fragmentation of visuals that pass back and forward through time. Toward the end of the film, the death scene where the man finds his wife’s body is played out to end. He finds the poem clutched in her hand, sobbing and rocking her body.

 

John’s breath stutters and Rodney turns around to look up at him with tenderness. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” John gives small smile and pulls Rodney back to his chest, “just reminds me of something.”

 

Rodney relaxes back into John to watch the rest of the film. The man is evacuated back to Earth after it seems the copy of his wife has been destroyed.

 

“But he comes back for her, right?” John asks leaning forward a little.

 

“Just keep watching.”

 

The movie continues with its spliced visuals. Scenes where the man is back on Earth… Scenes where he is back in the space station…

 

Then he is reunited with his wife, confused and asking, “Am I alive… or dead”

 

She smiles at him, “We don’t have to think like that anymore. We’re together now. Everything we’ve done is forgiven. Everything.”

 

Those are the last lines of the film. The credits start to play the haunting ethereal music of the score.

 

“That’s like what you said to me…” John whispers.

 

“What?”

 

“Everything is forgiven now.”

 

“Oh. Yeah, I guess I kind of borrowed some of that, "Rodney admits, "I still meant it, even if it wasn’t entirely original.”

 

John sighs, “Did you?”

 

“Yes.” Rodney turns around to face him.

 

“So what happened in the end, did he come back for her?” John looks pensive.

 

“Yes. And they found a way to live inside that feeling forever. Inside Solaris.”

 

“I wonder what forgiveness… What does that even really mean? Is there a way let go of the past or…" John presses his lips together they he does when he is trying to figure something out, "to live inside a perfect moment… or is that an illusion we dream up to delude ourselves?”

 

“I believe in it.” Rodney looks to John with wide eyes, “I believe we can be free from the past. That we can love again.”

 

“That’s because you’re a romantic.” John smiles sadly.

 

“… John?”

 

John sighs again, “I don’t know if I’ll ever be… I don’t think I can forgive myself.”

 

“What do you want to be forgiven for?” Rodney asks gently.

 

“Too much, I think.” John eyes are heavy and sad.

 

“Tell me.” Rodney places his hands in John’s chest and looks up at him earnestly.

 

“Oh, Rodney.” John winces slightly, closing his eyes and shaking his head, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything between us. I’m sorry for Antarctica, for being so cold and… I’m sorry for pulling you close and then pushing you away… 

 

When John's eyes open again he looks heavy with sorrow, "I can't forgive myself for leaving you alone that night in the shower... and that night on the pier. How could push you up against a wall and?... God. For being so careless with you emotionally and always expecting you to come back. I was cold and unforgiving. Not how I should have been, none of it is how I wanted to be with you. I don’t deserve-“

 

“We’re together now.” Rodney pulls John fiercely into his arms, “Everything we’ve done is forgiven. Everything.”

 

“I don’t deserve-“

 

“Everything, John.”

 

“When you say it, I almost believe it… that we’re…” John laughs a little bitterly, “good”.

 

“Why wouldn’t we be?”

 

“There’s just so much…” John shakes his head softly, “so much I wish I’d done differently.”

 

“Tell me." Rodney places a hand on the side of John's face, "Whatever it is I’ll forgive you.”

 

“It’s not all yours to pardon.”

 

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll still forgive you.”

 

“Okay…” John bites his lip, “I didn’t save Lyle, or Mitch, or Dex… Ford or Elizabeth…” I failed my wife, family, especially my mother-”

 

“How did you fail her?" Rodney exclaims, "You were only a kid.”

 

“Should have found her sooner. If I'd gotten there sooner, even just a few minutes, she could have been saved.”

 

“What do you mean?" Rodney gapes, "You found her?”

 

“Uh… she, she was in the bathroom. Cut herself, bled out on the floor.”

 

“And you found her?” Rodney asks again.

 

“Yeah, I was the one who found her.”

 

“Jesus.” Rodney wraps his arms around John, “Is that where all this started?”

 

“All what?”

 

“Blaming yourself, feeling responsible for saving everyone…”

 

“Maybe.” John answers dully.

 

“And you’ve been carrying this around the whole time?" Rodney feels a pang of sadness at the realization, "Thinking you were to blame for her death?”

 

“I was.” John answers like a soldier.

 

“No.” Rodney shakes John’s shoulders and looks into his eyes, “You’re not. None of us are responsible for the actions others take.”

 

John gives Rodney a resigned look.

 

“Am I responsible for what those men did to me?”

 

“No,"John makes a sick face. "I am.” 

 

“What?!”

 

“You followed me out there… I didn’t see the threat, I didn’t see it coming, and I didn’t protect you.”

 

“None of this is your fault!” Rodney’s voice raises in pitch, “You’re not an omnipotent being! How the hell are you supposed to intervene every time there is danger around the corner? You’ve rescued me and everyone else on Atlantis… and, and, Earth countless times. How many times do you have to risk your life? How many times is enough? I don’t blame you for your past emotional damage any more than you blame me for mine. You’ve done everything you possibly could have. John, look at me…”

 

John meets Rodney’s gaze and stares in silence for a moment, “…I just always wondered, you know, why…”

 

“Oh.” Rodney pulls John gently back into his arms, “John, whatever the reason, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. You were so young to face that kind of loss and trauma all alone. It shouldn’t have been that way. You shouldn’t have had to feel responsible… or be so alone in the world when you were just a boy.” 

 

Feeling like his words are having little impact, Rodney sighs. He says the one thing seems to get through to John, “So, ah, you should know… Everything is forgiven now. Everything.”

 

“Thank you, Mere.” John exhales deeply in relief.  
.  
.  
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	8. What are your intentions?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Ronon and Rodney need to have another 'talk'._  
>   
> .

.  
.

 

It has been about 2 months since they made it back and John knows Rodney is getting stronger. Nearly healed, physically, that is. John does what he can to try to help Rodney emotionally. At least he is here, present, not lost in a haze of painkillers. But he is frayed around the edges. He still refuses to venture out of the room in daylight hours. Still plagued by demons. John is too.

 

When John invites Carson and Ronan to join in the game he has invented for therapeutic purposes, Carson declines but Ronan slaps John on the shoulder, “You’re a good friend. John… Maybe I could teach him a thing of two?”

 

“You can’t actually fight him.” John explains, “He’s not ready for anything like that. He needs… he needs to be physical, to get it out, without feeling there is any threat.”

 

Ronan frowns with understanding; “I could still teach him some moves, if he’d let me.”

 

“Just promise to be gentle with him.” John warns.

 

“I promise.” Ronan is solemn.

 

Later that night, John tries to interest Rodney, “You know, Ronan says he’d like to see how hard this game really is.”

 

“Oh, no.” Rodney rears his head back, “I’m not fighting the giant.”

 

“He won’t be fighting you at all, just trying to get out of your way.” John assures, “Haven't you ever wanted a chance to hit him without any consequences?”

 

“Of course I have…” Rodney makes a face, “I just, are you sure he wouldn’t try to attack me? Cause he’s tried to give me sparring lessons before and I can’t say they were much fun.”

 

“I think this will different.” John smiles, “And I’ll be there to take you on if you feel the need to fight me instead.”

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney has tried not to let himself think about this too much, but he can see what John is doing. If it weren’t helping him so much, he would have stopped the farce of this game a while ago.

 

But it feels so good to get the aggression out, to feel powerful and strong for a little while. He can feel his stamina and strength growing; he can tell it is actually getting harder for John.

 

Still, Ronan sounds like a big challenge and Rodney feels a bit scared to try to hit the guy. But John will be there. Rodney trusts John and he lets him lead him down to his new opponent.

 

Ronan gestures warmly when they arrive, “Hey, Rodney”.

 

He has seemed knows better than to try to give Rodney one of his affectionate arm slaps, maybe John said something to him.

 

John gets out the boxing gloves and warms Ronan, “Okay, this is harder than it looks.”

 

Stopping John, Ronan asks, “Can I just show Rodney a few things first?”

 

Rodney lifts his eyebrows in concern.

 

Addressing Rodney, Ronan tells him, “What I want to show you, is just a few ways to hit me, if you really want to take me down. I’m a big guy, different center of gravity.”

 

Reluctantly, Rodney joins him on the mat.

 

“Okay, that’s good just stand there. Now, If I’m standing like this” Ronan changes his stance, “The best way get me is to throw your leg at the back of my knees and hit me here.”

 

Rodney eyes him uncertainly.

 

“Why don’t we try a practice round? I won’t move and you can…” Ronan gestures “kick, then punch”

 

He hasn’t been doing any kicking with John, but his feet are healed enough to do it. Rodney watches the motion and memorizes it.

 

Then Ronan gives Rodney a nod to go-ahead.

 

He feels his stance out, getting a footing where he won’t lose his balance. Then Rodney rears his leg back and kicks Ronan squarely under the knees.

 

Ronan is folding down and Rodney delivers a double punch. To his chest and jaw. It worked but Rodney holds his hand unexpected pain. Ronan’s face is hard.

 

“Did that even hurt you?” Rodney asks.

 

“Not really.” Ronan’s dreads shake with his head and he jumps back up, “But you got the idea.”

 

When John hands him the gloves, Rodney is grateful.

 

After Ronan shows Rodney another couple of moves by having John demonstrate them, Rodney tries. They are pretty easy and Rodney wonders if this is going to get more interesting. Ronan opts out on the protective gear and begins weaving around Rodney, making a display of his skills.

 

While Rodney chases Ronan, he theatrically runs up against a wall and repels himself into another direction with a leap. But Rodney keeps up. It is a small room, not far to go. And something about Ronan’s dance is predictable.

 

He finally lands a blow and adds a kick for good measure.

 

“What else you got little man?” Ronan smiles darkly and gets back up, eyes sparkling with challenge.

 

“Just because you’re a giant, doesn’t mean I’m little.” Rodney glares.

 

Rodney catches a smirking Ronan off guard and smacks him across the face. Oh shit.  
He looks up at Ronan a little fearfully.

 

Ronan eyes are still amused and he darts to Rodney’s side. The younger man has more energy and agility than Rodney, so it is harder to catch him, but Rodney still gets him. He tries out a few of Ronan’s moves and takes him to his knees more than once. After an hour or so, Rodney has to stop because he is winded.

 

“Not bad.” Ronan congratulates him, “Maybe next time I’ll teach a couple other moves.”

 

Next time? Ronan wants a next time? Rodney agrees, “Okay, next time.”

 

“Thanks for saving my ass tonight, buddy.” John jokes.

 

“See you tomorrow night.” Ronan slaps John on the shoulder.

 

.  
.

 

Over the next couple weeks Rodney looks forward to his fighting time more than anything else. Sometimes he takes the two of them of together, sometimes they add defensive blocks. There is always a next level of difficulty to try out, but Rodney still always wins, always gets to hit something hard and hear the satisfying smack the gloves makes on contact.

 

Tonight Rodney is going to fight Ronan alone while John catches up with Dave on the phone. It is the first time in about 8 weeks that Rodney has left the room without John. He feels safe enough with Ronan though and wonders what Ronan has in mind for tonight.

 

He groans with he sees Ronan picks up one of Teyla’s fighting sticks.

 

“Don’t worry” Ronan tells him, “I won’t be using one. Thought you might like to see how it feels to hit with something other that your fists. It can feel good too.”

 

Ronan gives himself some protective gear and tells Rodney he can hit as hard as he wants. As long he can catch him, this is. Rodney takes the stick and looks at it reflectively. He hasn’t had much luck with these things before.

 

“Look,” Ronan offers, “I’ll stand still for the first one, just to give you a sense of how it works.”

 

Fiddling with the stick in his hands, Rodney is unsure of how to wield it.

 

“Ah,” Ronan stands back up from his defensive position, “can I show you the best way to hold it?”

 

Rodney’s chest feels tight but nods, allowing Ronan to stand up against him and hold the stick above Rodney’s grip. He doesn’t even flinch when Ronan’s arms brush along his.

 

“Here.” Ronan demonstrates, “You want to loosen wrists a little a bit. and then…”

 

“In here." Ronan touches Rodney’s elbows, "Yeah. You’re gonna swing from your shoulders. If you relax a little, I’ll make couple swings with you.”

 

“There you go.” Ronan grunts in approval, “Like that. And one more time…"

 

“Good. You got the hang of it.” Ronan releases his hold on the stick.

 

“Did John ask you to do this?” Rodney asks him.

 

“Sort of.” Ronan shrugs, “But I would have done it if you asked.”

 

He looks at Rodney with curiosity, “You know, there's something I’ve been wanting to ask you…”

 

Rodney waits but when a question doesn't come, he offers, “Okay, well then, ask me.”

 

“What are…” Ronan tilts his head to one side and peers at Rodney, “your intentions with John?”

 

“My intentions?” Rodney swallows nervously.

 

“Yeah, ” Ronan begins, “You know, romantic intentions.”

 

“Oh.” Rodney face flushes, “Wait, why? Do you have intentions?”

 

With a chuckle, Ronan answers, “No. He’s my best friend. I care about what happens to him.”

 

Rodney is speechless being confronted like this, he hadn’t really considered how much Ronan might know but now it is obvious, “Uh, I don’t know what John has said, but I don’t want to say anything if it’s-”

 

“John’s told me plenty.” Ronan interrupts, “But I just want to know what your intentions are with him.”

 

Realizing that Ronan is being protective, Rodney doesn’t like feeling like he is being doubted. His pride is a little ruffled, “Oh. Well, I have romantic intentions. Very romantic intentions. I have for a long time, I just didn’t know… how he would feel.”

 

“And now?” Ronan frowns but looks neutral.

 

It doesn’t matter if Ronan knows. John trusts him so Rodney will too. Rodney sighs and relaxes his shoulders, “Well, I, I love him.”

 

“I thought you might.” Ronan nods looking pleased, he slaps Rodney on the shoulder and Rodney flinches involuntarily.

 

“I’m very happy for you both.” Ronan tells him.

 

“Well,” Rodney looks downcast, “with everything that’s happened…. It’s not like…”

 

“You have found each other and that is worth celebrating.” Ronan’s voice is strong.

 

“Uh, Yeah. It...Yeah.” Rodney smiles weakly.

 

“So I have another question…”

 

“What else?” Rodney makes an impatient noise.

 

“What about Jennifer?” Ronan shifts his weight.

 

Rodney feels doubted again, “Well, I was trying to get over him, move on with my life, you know…. I still, I still felt the same way about him. And eventually I came to my senses and broke things off with her.“

 

“Yeah, I know.” Ronan sounds sincere, “What I mean is… Would it affect our friendship if I still had intentions with her?”

 

Is Ronan asking his permission? Rodney is surprised by the turn of the conversation.

 

“Cause I wouldn’t have intentions” Ronan continues, “if it would affect things between me and you. That comes first. Just thought I’d ask.”

 

”No. No.” Rodney’s mouth falls open and he thinks for a second, “It wouldn’t affect things with us. She and I never got that involved anyway. I would want you to be happy, and, her, to be happy. If that’s what makes you happy.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Sure. I’m Sure.” Rodney smiles, then he sees Ronan coming in for a bear hug and braces himself.

 

“Thanks, buddy.” Ronan clasps Rodney warmly to his chest, he just submits and relaxes while being crushed by Ronan’s strength.

 

.  
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* * *

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.

 

There has been a lot of activity on Atlantis since it landed on Earth, but Ronan hasn't had a lot to do. All missions had been temporarily suspended, pending IOA review. They have been arguing over the location of Atlantis and it's role over the last couple months.

 

The stargate has been shut down since it superseded control over the one at the SGC headquarters. Now it is starting to sound like Atlantis may become the new head of operations and Woolsey is expecting more new personnel to be joining them soon.

 

Ronan has been spending even more time with Jennifer. After Rodney gave him the go ahead, Ronan broke things off with Amelia. Things with Jennifer just feel so right, it is just a matter of getting the timing right. Everything is about timing.

 

Like right now, the way she is looking at him reminds of him of the kiss they almost shared that day so long ago in the infirmary.

 

"Ronan?" her voice makes him start.

 

"Hmm."

 

"You seem lost in thought."

 

"Was just thinking about you."

 

"Were you? What were you thinking?" Jennifer looks shy.

 

Now's as good a time as any he supposes, "Was just thinking about that time we almost kissed." Ronan gives her a smoldering look. "Thinking about how I'd like to kiss you now."

 

"Well," Jennifer flushes, "Well.. Maybe you should."

 

"Maybe I will." Ronan eyes sparkle.

 

"Well mayb- Mphhhhhh."

 

Ronan cuts her off and presses his full lips against hers. Her kiss is delicious, succulent. He cups her face bends her back to take him more fully. Jennifer is pliant, opening her lips, still moaning as he takes what he has wanted for so long.

 

He pushes his warm tongue into her mouth and she returns the kiss eagerly. It feels so right; nothing has felt this right in so long. Ronan pulls her body closer into him and lets her feel the strength of his desire for her. She wraps her arms around his neck and twirls her tongue in his mouth.

 

Then she pulls away to catch her breath, "Oh my God. Is that what it would have been like?"

 

"Something like that." Ronan smiles as he goes in for another kiss.

 

Jennifer lunges at him passionately, grabbing into his dreadlocks. Her mouth is soft but demanding, it feels like she wants this as much as he does.

 

They kiss and grasp at each other desperately. No words just pure physical sensation for long time.

 

"So, so…" Jennifer finally breaks away, "Does mean things with Amelia are over now?"

 

"Yeah." Ronan kisses her softly, "I was kinda hoping the girl I really liked might be-"

 

"Yes. Yes, she is." Jennifer gushes before kissing him back.

 

Ronan was planning on taking things slowly, but things with Jennifer get out of hand. The attraction is just so strong; before they know it they are back in his quarters. He hopes that she won't take it as sign that isn't serious.

 

"I've been wanting for this for so long." Ronan realizes he has said it out loud. He looks down at her beautiful naked spread out on his bed.

 

"I want something real with you…" He kisses her tenderly, "that's why I waited... Well, too long…"

 

"Me too." Jennifer nods with her huge brown eyes glued to him.

 

"Good." Ronan cups her face, 'Cause what I feel for you is…"

 

She kisses him and gushes, "God, you are so hot." grabbing onto his muscled arms, "Mmm. Just… I want you so bad."

 

At that, Ronan loses control and takes her completely. They have wild sex for half the afternoon and afterwards Jennifer drapes her spent figure over Ronan's solid form, trailing her fingers on his chest.

 

They talk and kiss but eventually hunger drives them to get up and make a trip to cafeteria.

 

Jennifer stands up to get dressed and Ronan pulls her playfully back down to the bed, "So, we hanging out tonight?"

 

"I thought you were going to hang out with John and Rodney tonight?" She giggles.

 

"Yeah. After."

 

"Oh, after." Jennifer smiles in amusement, "Like, in your bed, after?"

 

"Something like that."

 

"Okay. After." Jennifer stands back up and starts putting on her bra.

 

Ronan grins and reaches for his clothes on the floor.

 

"You know," Jennifer looks at him thoughtfully, "I mean… You realize I know what's going on with John and Rodney, right? You don't have to be so secretive about it."

 

He gives her an innocent look as he pulls on his shirt.

 

She continues, "I know John's the one he's in love with and they've been spending all this time together… I mean, I don't know what happened with the accident and all, but the rest of it seems pretty clear."

 

"Well," Ronan frowns, "whatever you think you know, I hope you won't talk about it with anyone. That's not the kind of thing-"

 

"Right. No. I totally know. I just thought between us… you know?"

 

Shuffling his leg in his pants, Ronan tells her, "I think you should talk to them if you want to know what's going on."

 

"But it's not like I ever see them anymore."

 

"Is this 'cause you still have feelings for Rodney?" Ronan asks.

 

Jennifer looks shocked. She glides over the bed to Ronan's side and reaches her arms up around him, "No. No way. I'm only interested in you."

 

"It's just," She looks a little sad, "they were my friends before… and now, I don't know. I've been worried. It's hard not knowing what's going on with them."

 

"Don't worry, I'm looking after them. I'm sure you'll see them again soon." Ronan kisses her little frown.

.  
.

 

When Ronan gets up to Rodney's room, John shouts that the door is sees the two of them wrestling on the couch, John has get Rodney nearly pinned down.

 

Rodney wriggles out from under and John lunges at him again, "Get back here."

 

John throws Rodney on his back and holds him down.

 

"Ronan, help he's killing me!"

 

"You're on your own buddy" Ronan chuckles.

 

"No, not fair." Rodney gasps.

 

"Oh, It's all so unfair, unless you can cheat." John taunts him.

 

"I never cheat." Rodney gives in but sounds sullen.

 

Laughing, John helps Rodney up off the couch. As Rodney finds his feet, John pulls him into an embrace, hugging Rodney back into his chest.

 

John looks smitten as he murmers "Mere."

 

Rodney looks at Ronan with a slight flush to his face. For a moment he looks embarrassed, but when he sees Ronan's earsplitting grin, he smiles back.

 

Then John releases his hold and goes to get the cards. Ronan has noticed that Rodney taken to wearing John's long sleeved shirts, they don't look bad on him. It's nice to see the two of them so happy together.

 

The door chimes again and Rodney goes to greet Carson. While the two of them chat, Ronan goes walks across the room to John.

 

"Hey." He speaks in a low voice, "I just wanted to give you a heads up."

 

John looks up expectantly.

 

"So Jennifer's basically figured this whole thing out. Ever since Rodney left, she's been talking about it. I haven't said anything, but she knows."

 

"Oh." John stiffens, "She knows."

 

"Yeah, I mean, Rodney broke up with her to go after someone else. She put the pieces together. I don't think she would ever say anything, but I figured you should know."

 

"Yeah. Okay thanks." John nods tensely.

 

"John." Carson calls out, "You're looking well. And Ronan good to see you."

 

The four of them sit around the table as John deals the cards for them to play Spades.

 

As the game progresses Ronan and Carson fall behind. Ronan teases Rodney that he and John must be cheating. "You two have some sort of signal system worked out, I know it."

 

"I do not cheat." Rodney grimaces, "I can't be blamed for my intellect."

 

Instead of his supplying one of his usual retorts, Ronan smiles thinking about Jennifer.

 

"What's up with you?" John asks, "You seem awful smiley tonight."

 

"Huh." Ronan's smile widens, "Yeah. Uh…"

 

"Yeah?" John tilts his head.

 

"Yeah." Ronan ducks his head in chagrin.

 

Rodney peers at him in confusion and then a slow smile makes it way over his face as well, "Oh. So… Oh. I guess the best man won after all."

 

"Sure did." Ronan lifts his head happily.  
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	9. It's nothing, it's just... I win.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When John plans a private outing, he ends up getting more than he's let himself hope was possible._  
> .

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John is really trying but it hasn’t been enough to get Rodney through this. Jeanie has begun to contact him, wondering what it wrong. 

 

He feels like he has failed and needs to come up with a new plan. Rodney still refuses to speak to a therapist, getting irate at the very idea. He has yet to venture out of the city by himself or speak to anyone other than John, Carson, and Ronon. He doesn’t want to be impatient. Maybe what Rodney needs is more understanding about his depression, not someone pushing him to get over it. 

 

For John, there are only a few things that have helped him through the worst times -flying, hitting stuff , and listening to music being the main ones. He knows he isn’t the best model of emotional health. 

 

In fact these days, he would be falling apart himself if he wasn’t so worried about Rodney. John feels emotional remembering the man who had kissed him the hotel room just a few months ago. _‘Please come back to me, Rodney.’_

 

Maybe he just needs to stop trying so hard and Rodney find his own way home. John tries to let go but he still feels the need the push Rodney somehow. He decides to plan a picnic, just before the sun goes down. That is when he and Rodney normally eat dinner these days. 

 

If John times it right, he can get Rodney out into the city during daylight, then finish dinner just as the sun sets along the water. It should be beautiful. John packs a bounty of food and beer as well as some personal items and games that might come in handy.

 

Rodney is not in a good mood when John gets back and doesn’t like his idea of a picnic on the pier. He tells John that he can’t face people, not yet. 

 

The disappointment must show on John’s face because Rodney apologies, “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been difficult. I’ll try harder I promise.” 

 

“No, no. Mere I’m sorry.” John shakes his head in guilt, “I didn’t mean to push you.”

 

He takes Rodney in his arms and holds him tenderly and kisses him on the forehead, “We can have a picnic here, on the balcony.” 

 

“No.” Rodney pushes himself back from John, “You know what? I’m going out to the pier.” 

 

John shakes his head, “It’s not a good time yet, you don't need to…” 

 

“Well, I’m going out, with or without you. I’d prefer there to be food.” Rodney is insistent.

 

“Mere…” 

 

Rodney blinks at him stubbornly, “If you pushed me in the wheelchair, do you think that might keep people from talking to me? You know, like no one would grab my shoulder casually and say ‘Where have you been?’ They might think my legs are broken or something, nothing too weird, they would leave us alone.” 

 

“Okay,” John watches Rodney’s face, wondering if he is ready for this, “whatever you want, Mere.” 

 

“I want to go.” Rodney walk over to the wheelchair, “I just need a blanket for my legs. You know, like FDR?” 

 

John finds a small blanket and folds it neatly over Rodney’s legs. 

 

 

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* * *

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Rodney is pleased, “Perfect. now let’s go.” 

 

But when John places the basket on Rodney’s lap he objects, “This makes me look like less of an invalid, you know?” 

 

“Well” John explains, “if I have to push you, it’s going to be hard to carry the basket at the same time.” 

 

“Very well.” Rodney sighs, “The trials and tribulations of a brilliant physicist continue.” 

 

The hall is empty as John wheels him out. “So far, so good.” John smiles.

 

As they get further out, they pass some people. A few turn and look but no one speaks to them. They make their way unfettered by any social explanations. John pushes Rodney the long distance to the edge of the pier. 

 

“I’m glad I didn’t walk now.” Rodney comments.

 

“Right." John answers sarcastically. "Me too.”

 

They reach the edge and Rodney hops up, looking around, “Wow. It’s really cool out here.” 

 

John lays out the big blanket and starts to set out the food. Rodney has always been jealous that John took Chaya on a picnic instead of him. But this spread looks far better than the basket John had packed all those years ago in the Pegasus galaxy. He sees John has also brought some beer, a local bottled brew instead of cans. 

 

Settling himself into the blanket, Rodney feels a mixture of gratitude and fear. Gratitude that he has had John to help him through this... but still so much fear that John will leave if knows how much Rodney really needs him. 

 

The two of them enjoy a lively banter over the meal. When they are done, John opens a couple of beers. Rodney used to hate beer, but he has grown to like it, drinking it with John. The two of them sit shoulder to shoulder with their legs dangling over the edge. 

 

In case they get cold as the sun goes down, John has wrapped the small blanket over their shoulders The sunset is amazing to see, Rodney has forgotten what it was like to be outdoors. He should have come out here sooner. 

 

The beer gives Rodney a warm light-headed feeling. He has never been able to drink much without getting tipsy. The feelings in his chest grow more intense under the mild effect of the beer. John. He loves John so much. How is ever going to make this up to him, to be someone John would want to be with? Rodney hates himself for how broken and afraid he is. Maybe if he didn’t know they were coming for him… Every night it is the same. Rodney hunches into himself feeling small and sorrowful. 

 

Reaching away from Rodney for moment, John returns with something in his hand, “You know, I used to listen to this song a lot, over the last year or so. Lyle gave it to me and… it's kinda sad but hopeful, like that things things will someday be better."

 

Rodney studies John’s face as he continues, “And this was kind of like, my therapy. I didn’t know what else to do being so heartbroken and lost… I couldn’t imagine that anything would ever change between us, but I wanted to hope. Someday, somehow.” 

 

“You were heartbroken?” Rodney feels dizzy and emotional.

 

“Yeah.” John answers huskily.

 

“Why?” Rodney isn’t sure what to make of this.

 

“Mere.” John gives him a knowing look. 

 

He takes another sip off his beer and furrows his brows at John in a question. 

 

John rubs his thumb over the case of the music device, “I don’t expect this song made it any better, but it was cathartic… And I know it won’t make you better, but I just thought you might like it. It’s about… redemption and... resurrection.” 

 

“Do you want to try it?” John offers Rodney some ear buds, "It’s best heard with beer, staring off into the sunset.” 

 

Lifting his beer up against the orange stained sky, Rodney smiles in agreement. John places one of the earpieces on himself and then puts the other one into Rodney’s ear. The two of them snuggle close under the blanket and John hits the play button. 

 

The song is spare but haunting. Rodney hears the strumming of a sad guitar and a man with a mournful voice. The pain is exquisite, this man has clearly lived through a lot of pain. 

 

The lyrics are simple and elegant. Rodney can’t decide which part moves him more, the sad slow guitar, the low wail of the voice, or the words themselves. The sorrow of each verse is punctuated by a glimmer of hope as the singer begs, ‘Thought I heard a resurrection song.” 

 

It is over too fast and Rodney wants to ask John to play it again, but it starts again on it’s own. It sounds like everything Rodney feels in inside. Not being able to sleep, trying to be free from all the pain… the damage in his eyes and confusion in his mind. Rodney feels like he is fading away, like he is hated and disgusting. He is weary and journey has no end. There is nothing to do but go on. 

 

The singer wails, “Better keep your heart strong little friend.” But there is that glimmering of hope in the refrain, “Thought I heard a resurrection song.” 

 

He imagines John being this sad and feels a sharp stab inside his chest. Had John really felt this heartbroken? Over him? Rodney takes John’s hand and squeezes it. 

 

John’s hand is warm, strong, he twines his fingers though Rodney’s and massages Rodney’s palm with his thumb. John takes a long drink on his beer and finishes it. His eyes gaze over the horizon and they look so sad to Rodney. 

 

The thought hits him. John is still sad. Because of him. Rodney wishes he could make this better. Maybe there is nothing to do but wait for redemption, some kind of resurrection. Rodney moves his hand in John’s, to soothe him, the way John always soothes Rodney. 

 

Still holding Rodney’s hand, John absently reaches for another beer with his other arm. Rodney lets the song lull him into a mediation, a cathartic emotional release, as John had said. It takes Rodney another 10 minutes to finish his first beer and he feels too buzzed to have another. He pulls the earpiece away and John puts the player aside. 

 

“That was so sad…” Rodney sighs, “but good.” 

 

“Glad you liked it.” John’s voice is low, “You hold onto it, use it any time you need.” 

 

“Thank you.” Rodney looks at John thoughtfully and John gives him a wistful smile in return.

 

“So you were this sad… over me?” Rodney asks.

 

John nods. 

 

“Were you…” Rodney pauses for a moment, “heartbroken over me when you left for your Dad’s funeral?” 

 

John nods again. 

 

“What about when I showed you my ring for Katie, the day I was going to propose… Did you feel that way about me, then?” 

 

John closes his eyes nods deeply. 

 

He goes further back, “When you were inside my mind to save me from the doppelganger?” 

 

Another nod.

 

“Okay…” Rodney searches his mind, “when Carson died?” 

 

John continues with his simple response, bobbing his head. 

 

“The night you told me about Lyle?” Rodney wants to figure out the puzzle pieces.

 

“Well,” John pauses, “probably, I just hadn’t admitted it to myself yet.” 

 

“When then?” Rodney asks wide-eyed.

 

Pressing his lips together before speaking, John tells him, “I knew when we almost lost you, from the Ascension machine.” 

 

“Ha!” Rodney exclaims, before he realizes it. 

 

“What?” John tilts his head.

 

“Oh.” Rodney fumbles, “It’s nothing. It's just… I win.” 

 

“What are you talking about, Rodney?” John screws his face up.

 

“Well, that’s what?” Rodney counts on his fingers, “Like 3 years? Well, I beat you by at least 2. I think I loved you from the beginning... But I admitted that I was in love with you over 5 years ago, so…” 

 

John’s expression gets intense and his bites hard into his lower lip. He stares at Rodney and speaks slowly in disbelief, “You… love me?” 

 

Why does John seem so surprised? Rodney can see John’s chest rise and fall quickly. 

 

“Yes, of course I love you. You’ve... known that this whole time, ...haven’t you?” 

 

Shaking his head, John looks stunned and elated at the same time.

 

Rodney feels a pang of guilt. He has been so worried about scaring John away by being needy, John hasn’t even realized Rodney loves him. He tries to think back over the last few months and can’t remember saying it once, even though John has said it so often. He has been selfish and cowardly without even realizing it. 

 

“Oh.” Rodney’s voice is small.  
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	10. So much homoerotic tension, much kissing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney shows John how much he loves him, how much he's always loved him._  
>   
> .

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Looking at John in the failing light, Rodney sees him fully. The rapid breath, the hopeful face, the love in his eyes. This is not the John he knew in the past, this someone else entirely. This John is open, Rodney can see he is vulnerable. He is offering everything of himself. 

 

“Oh.” Rodney shudders with emotion.

 

Little electric currents run through his chest, excitement, desire, love… Rodney reaches out a hand and touches the side of John’s face. John eyes look laden and full of longing. Rodney lifts his legs from over the edge of the water and kneels close, cradling John’s face with both of his hands now. 

 

“John?” Rodney speaks softly.

 

John’s face looks so young and defenseless. Rodney caresses it and lets all his own defenses and fears fall away, “John, I love you. I have always loved you.” 

 

Trembling with with pleasure, John’s eyes close involuntarily and he takes a sharp inhale. Rodney wants him so much, he wants to give John everything he can. He wants to show John how much he loves him. Rodney leans into the face he so loves, almost touching John’s lips, he whispers, breathing onto him softly.

 

“You’re… MY love, John. The love of my life.” Rodney closes the small distance and brushes his lips against John’s perfectly pouty mouth. 

 

“Whoa..." John’s reels his head back and opens his eyes, "What are you doing?” 

 

“I want to kiss you.” Rodney doesn’t let himself shrink into the fear that John finds him disgusting.

 

“Are you sure, Mere?” John’s eyes are wide and uncertain.

 

Rodney nods confidently holding John’s eyes, “I don’t have nightmares about kissing.” 

 

He doesn’t know how it is possible, but John’s eyes get even wider. John shakily moves his legs off the edge of the pier and sits close to Rodney. Rodney leans in over John, he lets his fingers trail over the angles of his impossibly handsome face. 

 

John lets out quiet whimper and looks like he is struggling to keep his eyes open now. He leans onto one of his hands to keep himself steady and Rodney pulls in to close his mouth over John’s. 

 

It is the smallest kiss, but John moans and seems to sway a bit on his hand. Rodney moves himself closer, he pulls on John’s shoulders and turns him up to meet Rodney’s waiting mouth.

 

He kisses John’s closed mouth. He kisses in every way he can imagine. With full lips, on the corners, sweetly, passionately, hungrily. John is pliant, letting Rodney take control. 

 

Licking John’s lips, Rodney softly bites into the lower one; He gets what he wants, John opens his mouth and whispers, “Oh God, Rodney.” 

 

Rodney lets go of the lower lip and curls his tongue into John's mouth. 

 

“Mmm”, John moans, he reaches up with his free hand to hold the nape of Rodney’s neck. John’s warm, wet tongue snakes into Rodney’s mouth and this time Rodney moans in pleasure. 

 

They grab onto each other ardently, kissing hard and deep. Hands running over each other and pulling into each other. Sucking and biting. Tongues licking and twisting together, tasting, taking each other in. 

 

When they finally take a moment to find some air, they can’t be parted. They stay with their lips touching, breathing together. 

 

“God. I love you so much” Rodney gushes, “I always have. I can’t believe you didn’t know that right from the start…”

 

John purses his lips and gently kisses away any other words Rodney had planned; He speaks between kisses, “I love you, Mere… Love you… more than anything… anything… You’re my love…” 

 

Accepting the love, Rodney truly takes it in for the first time. Closing his eyes, he lets John worship him. Rodney doesn't know when John changed and became so open like this, but Rodney knows this vulnerability is hard won. He never wants to take it for granted or hurt John in any way. He won't let his fear keep him from accepting John’s love any more. He wants everything John has to give him. 

 

The two of them stay there for hours. Kissing and talking. They kiss until it reaches a fever pitch and then they pull away catch their breaths. Rodney confesses to John that he is the best kisser he’s over had. And John assures Rodney the feeling is mutual. 

 

But they need to touch each other and feel this love. Soon they are kissing again. At first, tenderly, gently, murmuring declarations of love, then it becomes more passionate and intense, deeply sexual. It is a hunger that can’t be sated, not yet. They pull apart, lightly kissing each other’s faces and whispering all the things they never said. All the things they've longed to. 

 

Then they lay back on the blanket looking up at the stars like they had that night all those years ago. Squeezing John's hand, Rodney asks him why he never told him, back when John first realized he was in love with him. 

 

John moves his fingers lightly though Rodney's, “Well, I planned to... But you then you told me you wanted to date Katie and get married... “ 

 

“That night? The night we had dinner, once I was cured?” Rodney wonders.

 

“Mmm.” John turns his head and buried into the side of Rodney’s neck.

 

“Well” Rodney pulls John's hand up and kisses it, “I was always yours. I would have been yours. Anytime you asked me to.” 

 

“Mmm..." John groans into Rodney's neck and then leans up, I’m an idiot.” he says before kissing Rodney's swollen lips.

 

He returns the kiss with desire, knowing that John still has no idea how much power he has over him. John has no idea how much he moves him, but Rodney will show him. He will let John see. It may take time, but Rodney will convince him. He will give himself to John completely. 

 

Rodney has been so wrapped up with his own suffering that he hadn’t noticed John’s. He has let John take care of him this whole time without giving anything back. He remembers that John had wanted to take a trip with Ronon and the shameful way Rodney acted. And then he stops thinking completely because the kisses feel so good. 

 

When they come up for air, Rodney curls into John and kisses his neck. He loves John’s neck. It is so long and it curves just right into his shoulders. 

 

As Rodney gives some soft bites into the skin, John whispers, “God, I love it when you do that.” 

 

“What?” Rodney’s lips speak against John skin. 

 

“That?” Rodney nibbles.

 

“Yes, that…” John sounds breathless, “There was that one time you...” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney remembers biting John’s shoulder while Rodney had been under the influence of the wraith enzyme.

 

Yeah, and then he had given John a blowjob. One that Rodney had kind of forced onto John, since Rodney had been so much stronger under the influence of the drug. John had never seemed to hold it against him, though. Rodney pulls John’s shirt way from his shoulder and finds the spot. 

 

He bites down, harder this time. 

 

“Ahhh!” John cries out, “Yeah, that.” 

 

“You liked that?” Rodney asks mischievously.

 

“Oh…” John shivers a little and hugs Rodney close “I’ve never cum so hard in my life.” 

 

John pulls Rodney down to kiss him hard and Rodney grips his hands into John’s hair with delight. He lets John’s tongue enter him and explore his mouth. His stomach and chest are filled with electric flutters. 

 

“Mmm” John gives a final kiss on the mouth, and then he pulls himself back. 

 

“Actually, I always felt bad about that.” Rodney admits, “That, and the massage.” 

 

John sit up and laughs heartily. He grasps Rodney by the shoulders and shaking him lightly, “Grrrrrr. So. Much. Homoerotic tension.” 

 

“I can’t believe you even know what that word means.” Rodney retorts.

 

"Well, then feel bad if you want.” John lifts his hands and furrows his brows in mock hurt. 

 

“I wonder why you liked it?” Rodney sits up.

 

“Because it felt good.” John looks at Rodney like he is stupid. 

 

“Yes, yes, yes.” Rodney waves a hand, “But… I wonder if you liked it that I was so aggressive-” 

 

John frowns at the word and Rodney tries again, “Domineering?” 

 

John shakes his head. 

 

“Well, I was the one in control…” Rodney thinks.

 

John lifts his eyebrows.

 

“And you’re usually the one in control…” 

 

John nods gives a guilty shrug. 

 

“Okay.” Rodney smiles, “Good to know.” 

 

Rodney’s smiles widens, “John, will you do that thing again? Where you…” He mimics the shaking motion John had applied to Rodney’s shoulders. 

 

“You mean this?” John laughs, baring his teeth comically and shaking Rodney in time to his words, “Grrrrrrr. SO... MUCH…. Homoerotic tension.” 

 

He is laughing hysterically by the time John is finished. They roll onto the blanket and Rodney's his sides hurt, he can’t remember the last time he has really laughed, it is such a relief. 

 

“John?” He reaches for John’s hand.

 

“What is it, Mere?” John rolls into Rodney, face to face.

 

“I’ve been thinking about that trip you wanted to take.” 

 

“No, I’m not-” 

 

“I want you to go.” Rodney interrupts, “I feel like I’m ready. And I’m sorry I was so awful about it before.” 

 

John shakes his head again dismissively. 

 

“I just wanted you to know that I’m okay with it.” Rodney continues, “So whenever you feel okay with it, you should go. I think it might help you… feel better.” 

 

John looks at Rodney appraising him carefully. 

 

“I mean it.” Rodney leans in and kisses John on the lips, “I want you to feel better too. I wish I could do more…” 

 

“I wouldn’t be leaving you, you know.” John thumbs Rodney's lips, “I won’t ever leave you. I promise I would come back.” 

 

“I know.” And the truth is, he does know it. 

 

Feeling like he hasn’t said enough to make John believe that he could go, Rodney wants to give this to him. He begins again, “I know I’ve been, well, frankly, I don’t know how you’ve put up with me.” 

 

John tries to protest but Rodney stops him, “Look, I wanted to say that I realize that I’ve been so wrapped up with myself, and my own pain, that I forgot you were hurting too. I’ve been selfish.” 

 

John is shaking his head but Rodney stops him. 

 

“Please, just let me… okay? I’ve know it hasn’t been easy taking care of me. And I’ve let you do all the work for a long time now. I just don’t want to keep being a burden. I would feel so much better if I knew you could do your own thing. I want to be there for you, but maybe right now this is the best I do. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard for you.”

 

“Can I?” John asks.

 

Rodney nods and John speaks, “First of all, I do not need to go off and do my own thing. It’s not about that at all... And more importantly, you have not been a burden! I really don’t know what you think you’ve done that is supposed to be so terrible. Yeah, I’ve been having nightmares too, and this has been a terrible time for both of us... But I am so happy that I at least get to be with you through it. 

 

You have to know I’ve needed you as much as you’ve needed me. I love you and I want to be with you. A whole lot of my life has been hard. But you? Rodney, you’re the best part.” 

 

John wraps his arms around him and pulls Rodney into him like he is afraid he will lose him of lets go. Rodney gives in lets himself believe what John is saying, curling into John and resting his head on his shoulder.

 

Looking up at the stars reminds Rodney of the song he used to nurse his broken heart, “I had a song too, you know. A heartbroken over Sheppard song.”

 

“You did?” John's arms tighten.

 

“Yeah, I started listening to it that night after we had had that fight on Earth, we were on the couch-“

 

“Ugh. Yeah. I remember”

 

“So, I guess that was before you loved me, then?” Rodney concludes.

 

“I don’t know. I’m sure I did… I was just… You know, I feel like an idiot, but I still don’t even really understand what happened that night.”

 

“Well, you pinned me to couch-“

 

“I was too rough with you.” John says softly.

 

“Um, in a way, not really. You didn’t love me and I loved you, think about it.”

 

“Uh, sorry, I’m still just getting used to the idea that you love me, it’s not something I’ve…”

 

“So,” Rodney prompts, “I couldn’t stand that it didn’t mean anything to you. You were laying on top of me but the look in your eyes… it clearly didn’t mean anything to you, and it hurt. Well, and on top of it, it sounded like you were making fun of me for being so inept when I tried to kiss you.”

 

“Oh, no…” John lifts Rodney up off of his shoulder; “I didn’t mean to…" He rolls over on top of Rodney looking down at him, "What do my eyes tell you now?”

 

“They tell me…” Rodney sees the love beaming back at him and his chest feels warm and full. His breath hitches, “that you love me back.”

 

“You mean everything to me, Mere.” John's lips brush softly on Rodney’s mouth. And then they begin to kiss again. John kisses him slow and soft, but deep and full of unrequited passion. Kissing Rodney the way he wished John had wanted to that night on the couch. It feels so good. Why did it take have to take so long for them to finally do this?

 

Rolling on top of John as he kisses him back, Rodney murmurs, “Now I’ve got you.”

 

Mmm, mmm.” John tells him, “You’ve got me all right.”

 

After they have sated themselves as much they dare, Rodney lays back down with his head on John’s shoulder. They stay that way for some time, peaceful and looking up at the stars. It is one of the best nights Rodney can remember having in long time, maybe it's the best night ever.

 

“What was the song?” John squeezes Rodney’s hand and breaks the silence.

 

“Hmm? Oh. It’s called ‘Under the Milky Way Tonight’. 

 

“What’s it about?”

 

“Heartache. What else? Loving someone who doesn’t love you back.”

 

“So, no redemption then?” John asks.

 

“I think there’s redemption.” Rodney squeezes John’s hand back. 

 

“I’m such an idio-“

 

Rodney leans up and kisses the words away.

 

“Mmm, mmm. That’s so... Mmm.” John places his hands on the sides of Rodney’s face, “Mmm, God, I love you, Mere.”

 

“Finally” Rodney murmurs with his lips on John’s mouth.

 

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* * *

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When they eventually do get up, Rodney walks and John wheels the empty chair back to the room. John worries that Rodney didn’t get his usual exercise tonight, but thinks this was worth it. Even when they pass some people in the halls on the way back, Rodney doesn’t seem afraid. 

 

They quickly get ready for bed and fall back into each other’s arms. 

 

A moments later John asks, “Mere? Can I hear it sometime? I’d like to hear it, I mean, you listened to mine.”

 

“Yeah.” Rodney lifts his head up, “Of course.” 

 

“I’ve got it right here.” Rodney moves to grab his laptop from the nightstand. He pulls up his music queue and presses play.

 

There is a sound of a guitar strumming. When John hears the singer he thinks something about the song sounds somewhat familiar. The melody is sad and longing, unrequited. He hears the lyrics. 

 

_I think about this loveless fascination,  
Under the Milky Way tonight._

 

He finds himself drawn in emotionally, imagining how Rodney must have felt all these years. After the chorus, John listens more closely.

 

_And it's something quite peculiar,_  
_Something shimmering and white._  
_It leads you here despite your destination,_  
_Under the Milky Way tonight._

_Wish I knew what you were looking for,  
Might have known what you would find._

 

When the song has finished playing, John asks, “Loveless fasciation? Is that how you thought I was with you?” 

 

“Yeah, I guess.” Rodney he sets the laptop back on the nightstand. 

 

“At least you knew I was fascinated.” John pulls Rodney back into him feeling sad, “But, you were my destination, Mere. Even if I didn’t have the good sense to know it then.”

 

“Wish I’d known it.” Rodney sighs “It would have made my life a lot easier.”

 

“Me too. I’m sorry… Was it really that bad?”

 

“Um, well bad enough for me to be willing to go to a therapist… So…”

 

John feels a deep sense of remorse as Rodney continues, “I was really fucked up over you. I had to get help to try to put it behind me and move on with my life. Not that I ever did… I just kept going somehow. Tried to act like I could figure out how to be with someone else. But it was never anything but a coping strategy. You could have had me anytime you wanted to you. I was completely yours.”

 

The guilt John feels is overwhelming, “I didn’t think you wanted me-”

 

“You could have thrown me down on the ground the night I was recovering from the Ascension machine. I would have given you everything. You could have taken me on the desk when I showed the ring for Katie and would have forgotten all about her.”

 

Rodney's voice speeds up, “Ever since we met, I’ve longed for you, needed you more than I was supposed to. I was always yours. I just thought… Thought you didn’t want me back.”

 

"God I wanted you." John husks, "there were so many times I... I mean you said you didn’t want to date guys…”

 

“Didn’t matter, I already belonged to you.” 

 

“I’m so sorry." John feels his throat getting tight, "I’m sorry. I fucked up. I fucked everything up.”

 

Hearing the emotion in John’s voice, Rodney leans up to look at him. “No, no, it’s all better now. I have you now. You have me. You completely have me. I belong to you. I have for so many years, I really have.” 

 

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” 

 

“We’re together now. Everything we’ve done is forgiven.”

 

Something in that simple phrase makes the tightness in John's chest uncoil. He makes it feel like it is really possible to be be forgiven. They snuggle for a long time, unable to resist the novelty and allure of kissing each other again. It is late when they are finally able to stop and let themselves drift off into sleep. 

 

When Rodney wakes some hours later screaming and heaving, John realizes that he had been hoping this would make a difference. Stupid thing to think he tells himself. 

 

He tends to Rodney, holding him while he hugs the toilet dry heaving, wiping his neck and brow with a cool cloth. It kills John that Rodney would think he is a burden. He will have to convince him somehow. 

 

“You’re doing so good, Mere. You’re so strong. You’ve made it so far, and I’m proud of you.” He holds Rodney's heavy forehead in his palm and massages the back of his neck.

 

Once Rodney has recovered, John helps him to his feet and hugs him for a long time. He can’t seem to let go, “Mere. You could never be a burden. You’re the best… the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

 

John feels Rodney’s grip on him tighten and he knows Rodney has heard him. John will just have to keep telling Rodney until he knows it through and through.  
.  
.  
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.


	11. Is THIS a relationship?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John has to ask to make sure..._  
> .

.  
.

The next morning, John is stunned when Rodney wakes up before he leaves, mumbling, “Wait. I want to come with you.” 

 

He sits down and waits for Rodney to take a shower and get ready. When Rodney is finished getting ready, he looks sleepy but determined, “Let’s go get breakfast.” 

 

“Okay.” John gets up from his chair starts toward the door uncertainly. Rodney follows close behind. 

 

When they reach the door John asks, “You ready?” 

 

“Mmm-Hmm.” Rodney nods.

 

John opens the door and Rodney quickly flanks him, walking as close to John’s side as he can without raising eyebrows. There aren’t many people up and about this early and the ones they see let them pass without comment. 

 

As they reach the cafeteria Ronan spots them and a big grin splits his face as he sees Rodney. 

 

Ronan stands up from the table where he was waiting and slaps John on the shoulder, “Hey! I was wondering what was taking you so long.” 

 

By the way Rodney’s shoulders are hunched, John can tell he is uncomfortable with the spectacle. 

 

“Yeah.” he tells Ronan, “We’ll just get some food and meet you over there.” 

 

Ronan nods and seems to understand, returning to his seat quietly. 

 

Rodney is silent, shadowing John as he fills his tray and followings him back to the table. Ronan has picked up on John’s cues and focuses his attention on John, allowing Rodney to find his own bearings. 

 

To reassure him, John rubs his leg against Rodney’s under the table. Rodney straightens his shoulders and looks around warily before beginning to eat. John and Ronan do most of the talking, Rodney interjects into the conversation a few times and it almost begins to feels normal. 

 

The cafeteria is starting to fill up with the usual morning crowd. John spies Teyla walking toward them with their tray and feels nervous about how this is going to be for Rodney. Teyla sits next to Ronan, directly across from Rodney.

 

“Rodney!” Her voice is warm and affectionate, “It is so good to see you.” 

 

“Mmm.” Rodney mumbles on a mouthful, “Thanks…. I mean, you too.” 

 

Teyla looks to John and Ronan with excitement; when they both remain quiet she is puzzled, “Well, I am just so happy to see you are feeling better.” 

 

Looking at John, Rodney frowns. John implicitly understands what he is asking and meets Rodney’s eye evenly with a small shake of the head. 

 

Rodney looks relieved and turns his attention back to Teyla, “Yes. I’m feeling… better.” 

 

“I am so glad.” Teyla looks uncertain of how to behave.

 

“Actually,” Rodney tells her, “I’m planning to return to light duty as soon as possible. I’m going to talk to Woolsey today.” 

 

“You are?” John swallows a bite quickly, “I mean, that’s great, you are.”

 

“Well, I’m sure they will be very glad to have you back in the lab.” Teyla says.

 

The conversation becomes more natural after that with Rodney piping in here and there to offer an observation or comment. As other people start coming by the table to welcome Rodney back, John feels protective and hopes he doesn’t involuntary swat at someone if they try to touch Rodney.

 

Fortunately, Rodney is not normally a very touchy feely guy and no one generally assumes that kind of intimacy with him. Carson and Woolsey join the table. Then Jennifer walks toward them, she stops when Ronan lifts his head toward Rodney. 

 

Rodney notices and turns around to see who it is. He is warm, “Hey! Jennifer, come join us.” 

 

Jennifer smiles at Rodney and fits herself at the end of the long table. The conversation hums along. Rodney is not the center of attention but he participates. As everyone finishes up and prepares to leave for the day, Rodney asks Woolsey if he can speak with him in his office. Woolsey happily agrees and John watches the two of them walk off together. 

 

Ronan stays at the table with John until everyone has left, “Don’t worry. He’s gonna be fine.” 

 

John lifts his hands uncertainly. 

 

“This is good, right?” Ronan asks.

 

“Yeah. I guess.” John nods, “This is good. He’s been feeling better. It’s just so sudden.” 

 

Then he looks pensively at Ronan, “Remember that trip we talked about?” 

 

“Yeah.” Ronan’s eyes darken.

 

“Well, I think it might be time to start planning.” 

 

“Just tell when and where.” Ronan leans forward on the table.

 

“I’ll let you know.” John says with a tight smile.

 

.  
.

 

When Rodney gets back to the room he is out of breath and sighs with relief and looks to John, “Okay. Hard part over, right?” 

 

“Yeah. I-“ John stumbles, “I don’t even know what to say. I’m speechless… That was so good, Mere. I didn’t expect… I mean, I thought you might just ease back into things, but you, really went out there and... conquered.” 

 

“Everything is about conquering with you, isn’t it?” Rodney makes a face.

 

“You did really good, Mere.” John smiles “You don’t have to go this fast, but if you want to, that’s... that’s, great.” 

 

“You know, you really have a way with words.” Rodney quips, “Has anyone ever told you that?” 

 

“GRRRR.” John walks up to Rodney and places his hands on Rodney’s shoulders. He shakes Rodney gently. 

 

Rodney laughs as John keeps shaking him and makes a growling sound.

 

“Okay.” Rodney’s laughter deepens and he starts to buckle into himself, “Okay. Truce.” 

 

“You’re doing really good, Mere.” John lets go and takes in Rodney’s smiling face.

 

Taking a step over to John, Rodney pulls his arms around John’s shoulders and kisses him.

 

“Mmm.” John makes a pleased moan as he kisses Rodney back. “Is it time for kissing now?” he murmurs.

 

Rodney leans in and takes a long deep draw on John’s mouth, then tells him, “I think it is time for kissing now.” 

 

“I really, really, like kissing you.” John confesses.

 

“Mmm.” 

 

“Mmm.” John confers.

 

John pulls Rodney onto to the freshly made bed. The melt into each other and the passion builds until they have to stop. 

 

“Oh, it’s too much.” John pushes Rodney away.

 

Rodney pushes John back. John pushes again and Rodney falls off of his knees and back onto the bed. When Rodney gets up again, he has revenge in his eyes. He takes John down wrestles with him playfully. They are both out of breath and laughing by the time Rodney ends up on top. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Sitting just above John’s hips, Rodney watches John catch his breath. He feels powerful, perched on John’s waist like this. 

 

As John looks up at him. Rodney sees love, submission, and longing in his eyes. He feels like he could do anything he wanted to John. John’s hair just begging to be mussed. Rodney guides himself with his hands, leaning forward to let his chest stretch out over John’s. His head fells into the crook of John’s neck and Rodney rolls his fingers through John’s locks. 

 

While Rodney lies on top of John, John pets Rodney’s back with his long arms. Rodney continues to twirl and tug John’s hair in his hands. 

 

Then he straightens himself back upright again, with his hands on John’s chest, asking, “So Teyla's doesn’t know anything?” 

 

“No.” John trials his fingers along the sides of Rodney’s arms, “Most people just know that we were captured and have been on medical leave recovering.” 

 

“Most people?” Rodney asks.

 

“Well,” John thinks, “everyone, except Carson. I don’t know what he told Woolsey, but I know Carson made some kind of report to him…. Other than that…” 

 

Looking up at him guiltily, John tells him, “I told Ronan a little bit. I needed... I was losing my mind and I knew he would sacrifice his life before telling anyone.” 

 

John’s eyes look scared, like he isn’t sure if Rodney will forgive him. But Rodney just feels relieved that the secret has been kept to the small group. Relieved but sad imagining how long John probably tried to bear it on his own without talking to anyone. 

 

“I know,” Rodney cards his hands through John’s hair, “I knew when you asked if he could come over, it’s okay. I knew you needed someone to talk to. I’m just so glad no one else knows. I don’t think I could face them.” 

 

“You know,” John sighs with relief, “Jeannie has been trying to get ahold of you.” 

 

“Ah.” Rodney closes his eyes for minute, “I know. I just don’t know what I say right now.” 

 

“I could get in touch with her.” John offers, “Make a valid medical excuse. Tell her it’s not your fault, being kidnapped or whatever. Maybe we could invite her to come down.” 

 

Rodney makes a face and John adds, “In like, a month or so.” 

 

“You’ll tell her it’s not my fault?” 

 

“I will convince her.” John promises.

 

Rodney lays down again with his head on John’s chest, “So, are you going to return to active duty?” 

 

“Oh, uh, well, I guess?” John pets the back of Rodney’s head, “If you’re going to be back to work, I suppose I will too.” 

 

“You don’t want to resign anymore?” Rodney asks.

 

“I don’t think so. But I would resign, if I had to….” John pauses, “I mean, we can try to maintain the appearance of separate quarters, but if it gets out, I might have to resign.” 

 

Thinking about how much John has risked for him, Rodney is quiet. And not just emotionally, but with his lifelong career as well… It makes more sense now why John only ever had one-time things with men. 

 

John squeezes Rodney and rolls him onto his back. He sits over Rodney easily. He leans over with his lanky limbs.

 

“I’m so sorry, Mere.” John shakes his head with emotion, a dismal expression on his face, “I know that this isn’t what you wanted. I know that I’m not… I’m just some military guy” 

 

“What do you mean?” Rodney reaches up to touch John’s face tenderly, “Of course I want you.” 

 

“No.” John frowns sadly and his eyes look cloudy, “You wanted to get married. To be with someone who could give you... different things. I know that, this isn’t really… you deserve a lot more.” 

 

Rodney sees the sorrow in John face. How long has it been there? How long has John thought this? Rodney has to make him understand. John always seems so strong, it is easy for Rodney to forget how fragile John is inside. It has taken so many years to reach this vulnerable side of him, and Rodney doesn’t want to lose him again. 

 

“No!” Rodney is emphatic. “That’s not how it is all at!” He pulls on John’s arms and brings him down to rest on the pillow next to him. He leans in and kisses John’s beautiful mouth. He holds John’s face like it is the most precious thing in the world and kisses him again and again with the ache and longing he feels. 

 

He shares the fragility and vulnerability that he in feeling in his trembling embrace. All the love that Rodney had hidden in his heart, afraid of being rejected. It all belongs to John now. Everything that Rodney is, he gives to John. Then Rodney lets his lips brush against John’s, 

 

“No. You’re wrong. What I wanted was you.” Rodney pulls back a little further to see John’s eyes again, “Don’t you understand? All I wanted was to be with you, from the moment I met you. And then… Even though we weren't together, we got so close. I’d never been that close to anyone in my life.” 

 

“Me either.” John blinks slowly and looks deeply into Rodney’s eyes.

 

“I didn't think there would ever be a chance that you would be with me, so I tried to capture just a little bit of what I had with you, with someone else. There was never even a chance something was going to come close to what we had, but I thought-” 

 

“So, you don't want to get married?” John asks softly.

 

“No. Not unless it’s to you, but I don’t need that. All I’ve ever wanted is to be closer to you.” 

 

John pulls Rodney into his lips and kisses him softly, murmuring, “I thought I was going to die when you showed me that ring for Katie.” 

 

“I told you… Rodney kisses back, “Oh. You could have taken right there on that desk and would have forgotten all about her.” 

 

“But…” John speaks between kisses, “I wanted you… to be happy.” 

 

“You don’t understand.” Rodney pulls away from the kiss and stares at John, “You’ve never understood the kind of power you have over me. You could make me do anything. From the moment I met you..."

 

Rodney flushes, “I thought I’d never be with another man after Alex… But 6 months later I saw you. And I mean, I, I couldn’t believe you would even look twice at me. You gave me butterflies in my stomach. I felt stupid for wanting you the way I did. I never expected it to last… but even when it was over, I couldn’t get over you. 

 

“Mere.” John reaches his hands up to hold Rodney’s face. 

 

Rodney can see how the love shining in his face. He wants John to feel how he loves him too and tries to find to words.

 

“It’s not just that you’re sexy, I wanted you more, loved you more, with time. And you’re so smart and funny, strong and brave. Cool but just dorky enough. I mean, everything about you is perfect. You have no idea how I’ve lusted for you and dreamt about you and the memory of how good your cock felt in me. Even though it seemed impossible I couldn’t stop wanting, hoping to be with you again.”

 

Rodney sighs, “And I, I could barely believe you’d want to be friends with me. So I just tried to be good enough so for that. I Pushed myself to do all kinds of things I would never do... Just hoping I could be good enough stay your friend. 

 

But I’ve always been completely at your mercy. I’ve tried to hide it with all the sarcasm, but I’ve belonged to you since you first took me….” Rodney is out breath and flushed from his confession. 

 

As Rodney continues, John’s face looks flushed too. “All I’ve ever wanted, to be happy, was for you to want me back. I swear, that’s all.” 

 

John attacks Rodney with a passionate kiss; he pushes his tongue into Rodney’s mouth, thrusting deep down Rodney’s throat. He laps then and pulls back to lick and suck on Rodney’s lips. 

 

He seems lost in lust, but he stops for a moment, ‘I never thought I was good enough for you either, Mere.” 

 

“You so are.” Rodney returns the passionate kiss.

 

“It’s so weird…” John nuzzles Rodney’s neck, “This thing we’ve been doing over the last 5 years. We’ve worked through so many things together…. that brought us... closer. Almost like we had to go through all of this… until we couldn’t deny it anymore.” 

 

“What?” Rodney grins, “The homoerotic tension?” 

 

“No.” John’s body shakes with quiet laughter, “The love.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney exhales softly. 

 

“You know,” John continues, “it’s almost like we’ve been having a relationship this whole time.” 

 

“Um, I don’t know about your definition of relationships.” Rodney banters.

 

Searching Rodney’s face, John looks sincere and innocent as he asks, “…Is THIS a relationship?” 

 

Smiling at John with confidence, Rodney lets the love shine from his eyes as he answers, “Yes.” 

 

“Okay.” John’s face is awash with relief and he is smiling like a kid, trying to contain grin but failing, “Okay, good.”  
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	12. I just like saying your name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Back on active duty again, John and Rodney do their best to keep up appearances as if everything is simply platonic between them. But their closest friends are thrilled to know they are finally together._  
> .

.  
.

 

Once John and Rodney return to active duty, they see less of each other. John makes more of an effort to appear as if he is in his own quarters. But at night, they still sleep together, kissing as often as possible. 

 

John plans his trip with Ronan, as well as scheduling some visits from Jeanie and his brother over the next month or so. He is proud of Rodney’s newfound independence. If anything, it is harder for John to adjust to his new role. He is no longer a caretaker and he has to step back into the ‘friend’ persona during the day. 

 

Occasionally he will show up at Rodney’s lab, which is completely normal, but then he do something, like reach into his pocket and whisper in Rodney’s ear, “You know, now that we’re in a relationship, I thought maybe I should bring you some chocolate.” 

 

It makes Rodney’s face red with embarrassment. John will just chuckle and wave at Zelenka and the rest of the guys in the lab on the way out. It always looks from the surface, the same as any other day that John might show up at the lab to tease Rodney and no one thinks anything of it, of course. 

 

Rodney is getting stronger, still battling in the evenings with John or Ronan. But he still wakes up screaming at night, trying to keep himself from retching up bile. Sometimes Rodney just sobs into John’s arms and lets John pet his head until he gets sleepy again. 

 

From the outside things seem almost old times. They all joke around in the cafeteria. Rodney seems comfortable with the fact that Ronan and Jennifer are dating, he works on the Ancient technology in the lab. The guys from area 51 are always trying to grab some piece of equipment and take to their base, even though it was compromised during the attack. But Rodney fends them of viciously, keeping the research and development centered at Atlantis. 

 

When someone makes the mistake of touching him, Rodney flinches visibly. John notices but keeps his protectiveness in check. He knows Rodney doesn’t want him making a fuss over these things; he is able to tell someone to back off if needed. 

 

As the weeks drift by, John knows Rodney is improving and asks him about the trip with Ronan. Rodney is receptive but a little doubtful about John’s open-ended timeline. 

 

John explains, “I just don’t know how long it is going to take yet. It may be sooner than a month, but it might take a little longer.” 

 

“A month.” Rodney looks disheartened.

 

Covering Rodney in kisses, John tells him how much he loves him, promising that he wouldn’t go if it weren’t important, and swearing that he will make it up to him. Rodney gives in and they dissolve into a tangle in the bed, wrapped around each other and kissing madly. 

 

After an hour or so spent making up for the day apart, John shows Rodney the outline schedule he has made. While his timeline is indefinite, in a weeks time, he has planned for Jeannie to come and stay for about a month. 

 

Rodney wonders how he can possibly entertain her that long and John assures him that won’t be expected. He has arranged for Jennifer and Teyla to keep her occupied so Rodney can work a normal schedule.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney notices that John has written Teyla’s name next to Rodney’s during the time when he is normally in the gym. John explains that since both he and Ronan will be gone, Teyla will be taking over his workout routine. 

 

“Of course" John explains, "you’ve got Carson too, and, ah, later on, my brother will be visiting, but I hope to be back by then.” 

 

Rodney is impressed by how much thought John has given to his welfare. He can’t help but wonder if John will be returning safely. He doesn’t exactly have the best track record for personal safety and he has been very evasive about the trip he is taking. 

 

“Ah, so…. This trip you’re taking. It is going to be at all dangerous?” 

 

“Nah.” John shrugs and shakes his head dismissively.

 

Okay. That is a yes. Rodney asks again, “So… On a danger scale of 1-10?” 

 

“On a scale of 1-10…” John widens his hands out to create a visual aid, he narrows the gap between his hands and stops at about a 5, before shaking his palms ambivalently, “You know, very low.” 

 

Rodney might overestimate, but John always greatly underestimates the danger. He gives John a sullen look. 

 

“Come on, Mere.” John reaches out for Rodney, “Don’t look at me like that.” 

 

“Please?” He kisses Rodney’s neck, “Don’t be mad.” 

 

And Rodney gives in as usual but he frets about John leaving. He won’t have to deal with it for another 2 weeks and tries to put it out of his mind. 

 

.  
.

 

Over the next week Rodney is listless. He stays busy in the lab and is conscious of any time he has with John. He wants to make the most of it. It is intoxicating kissing John, but frustrating waiting for more. 

 

When will he know if he is ready? Maybe when the nightmares stop. They come every night but he hardly throws up any more. Maybe once he stops getting nauseas? That day seems so impossibly far away but John never seems impatient. 

 

Tonight Rodney is lying with his head on John’s stomach. John dreamily rests on the pillows and languidly pets Rodney’s hair. Rodney folds his arms against his chest, with his knees propped up. He lets himself drift into a deceptive peace. 

 

Part of his mind wants to cry out. John is leaving him. What if he never comes back? But then he feels John’s hand across his brow, smoothing over his hair and he stops thinking at all. 

 

“Rodney.” John murmurs. He says it without expectation of answer; Rodney is adept at interpreting all of the various intonations when John says his name. 

 

“Rodney.” John strokes his head and uses a different voice; It is still not a question. John continues with each stroke to say Rodney’s name in a different way.

 

It is soothing but he starts to wonder if John is trying to get his attention, “What?” 

 

“Nothing.” John’s voice is low, “I just like saying your name.” 

 

He should have trusted that he would know by now what John means when he says, ‘Rodney’. 

 

”What’s your middle name?” He asks John.

 

“Hmm?” John seems distracted.

 

“Your middle name…” Rodney repeats himself, “I wish I had something else to call you when I feel extra close to you.” 

 

“Is that what you think?” John pets Rodney lovingly, “That I call you ‘Mere’ when I feel extra close to you? No… I, feel just as close when I say ‘Rodney’. It’s… just different that’s all.” 

 

“I just wish” Rodney muses, “I had another name for you, something that is just mine –that no one else can use.” 

 

"It’s Emmitt.” 

 

“Emmitt…” Rodney thinks out loud, “John Emmitt Sheppard… Mm… Mitt? No… Um, What about Em, could I call you Em?” 

 

“Em?” Rodney feels John’s belly move as he laughs, “Sounds a little bit like a girl’s name, doesn’t it?” 

 

Leaning his head all the way back, Rodney looks John in the eye to hear the verdict. 

 

“Okay, Em. But only for you.” John slides his hand over Rodney’s face.

 

Rodney’s mouth twist into a secretive smile. 

 

“Just don’t go calling me that at movie night tonight.” 

 

“You know you call me ‘Mere’ in front of other people, don’t you? Rodney raises his brows.

 

“Do I?” John looks worried.

 

“You do. Are you worried people will find out?” 

 

“No.” John moves a little on the pillow, “Certain people I trust. Ronan and Carson already know. I would tell Teyla… Well, that’s about it.” 

 

“I would tell Teyla.” Rodney agrees, “Carson’s known for years.” 

 

“Ronan too.” John admits.

 

“Really?” Rodney is surprised it has been that long.

 

“Yeah”, John continues, “He’s known since Carson’s funeral.” 

 

“Hmm.” Rodney makes a noise. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Nothing….” Rodney lifts his shoulders, “It’s just… I win, again.” 

 

“When?” John exhales in mock annoyance.

 

“Well, I was detoxing off of the Wraith enzyme…” Rodney recounts, “I was kind of, out of my mind. I, it all came out.” 

 

John is silent for a minute, “Do you think anyone else knows?” 

 

“I don’t.” Rodney shakes his head against John’s stomach, “I… really don’t think anyone could know.” 

 

Rodney feels John’s body relax as he resumes petting Rodney’s head. He asks “Don’t you think we should probably start getting ready?” 

 

“Mmm. Probably.” John groans.

 

They both reluctantly sit up. Before Rodney gets off the bed, John collects him in his arms, “Mere. I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.” Rodney kisses him, then adds “Em.” 

 

It’s too hard to resist, they kiss again and again. When they finally pull themselves away, Rodney feels chapped and his cheeks are red from burn of John’s stubble. 

 

They busy themselves straightening things up, setting up refreshments, and moving the chairs next to the couch so everyone will be able to see the screen. 

 

The door rings and Teyla comes in with some popcorn, “Rodney! Oh, hello, John. I see you’re already here, I thought I would be the early one.” 

 

As she steps into the room with her bowl. John and Rodney exchange glances. 

 

Teyla notices something is afoot, “What’s going on you two?” 

 

“Do you wanna…?” John shrugs at Rodney.

 

“Yeah.” Rodney looks at Teyla.

 

“What are you up to?” Teyla looks back and forth smiling.

 

“I know you can keep a secret. So, the thing is,” John clears his throat nervously, “um, Teyla, uh, me and Rodney.... we, uh…” 

 

“What he’s trying to say, is that we’re… in a relationship.” Rodney finishes.

 

“What kind of relationship?” Teyla looks at them both curiously as if she does not understand. She stands back so she can see them both without turning her head. Her lips are pursed in confusion.

 

The two of them look at each sheepishly, then John bites his lower lip and reaches out for Rodney’s hand. 

 

When Teyla sees their fingers intertwine she gapes in understanding, “Oh! You… Congratulations!” 

 

Her face is warm and excited, “That is so… I am most happy for you. Have you told anyone else?” 

 

“Just the people who are coming tonight.” John shakes his head, “It needs to stay… private. The way things work, here on Earth is…” 

 

“Backward, ignorant?” Teyla interrupts.

 

“In this regard, yes.” John admits.

 

She steps forward in emotion reaches her hands to touch the far sides of their shoulders. 

 

Rodney stifles a flinch. 

 

Teyla looks at them with affection, she places her head forward to touch John’s brow, and then Rodney’s, in the way customary to her people. “I shall honor and treasure your confidence.”

 

Rodney is relieved when she lets them go, he moves away from them both, busying himself with something. That was more awkward than he had thought it would be. He had once come out to his sister when he was in college and dating a guy he really liked. She had been really relaxed about and it had no big deal. 

 

Teyla is great, but she’s almost too understanding, too emotional. Rodney would prefer no fuss. But Carson and Ronan arrive shortly and the awkwardness is soon forgotten. Rodney chats with Carson as John gets the film set up. 

 

When the movie is ready to roll, John calls Carson and Rodney to come join them and sit down. Carson takes the empty chair. Teyla and John sit on opposite sides of the couch. Rodney tentatively fits himself into the large gap between them. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John notices that Rodney looks uncomfortable, trying to hold himself upright in the middle of the couch. He leans forward and pulls questioningly on Rodney’s sleeve. 

 

Rodney flits his eyes quickly about the room and then moves closer to John. As the movie progresses, Rodney relaxes more and eventually John pulls Rodney into him. He holds Rodney’s back against his chest, his hand slung casually over Rodney’s shoulder. 

 

They ease back comfortably into the side of the couch. He catches Teyla smiling at them appreciatively once or twice. He gets an approving nod from Ronan and a pleased smile from Carson. John and feels like everything is right with the world, accepted among their friends, at home where they belong, in Atlantis.  
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	13. Like really, seriously in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Before John can leave on his secret mission, Rodney begs him to fuck him the way he used to. at John's request, Jeanie arrives on Atlantis and her suspicions about the nature of their relationship are soon confirmed._  
> .

.  
.

 

Before Rodney realizes it, Jeanie has arrived. That means it's only a week left until John goes, he thinks sadly. 

 

Jeanie greets him with a hug, exclaiming about how thin he is. Rodney takes her to her quarters and promises to reintroduce her to everyone over dinner. Teyla is going to have more free time in the day now that she has decided to take some time off of active duty to be with her family. She has offered to help keep Jeanie entertained while she is here.

 

His sister throws Rodney question after question, “What do you mean you don’t want to talk about it?! What happened to you for Chrissakes?” 

 

“Jeanie,” Rodney waves his hands dramatically, “there are just some things I don’t want to talk about.” 

 

She gasps and holds her hand over her mouth. 

 

“What?” Rodney asks.

 

Jeanie walks over to her brother with horror on her face. She takes his wrist and sees the scars where the sleeve has fallen away. 

 

Rodney grabs his wrist back defensively and Jeanie wraps her arms around him, “Oh, Mere. Mere.” Her breath is staggered. 

 

He lets her hold him, the shock of it has long since passed for him, but he knows she cares. 

 

“Oh my God. Mere. My Mere. What did they do to you?" She catches her breath, "No. I’m, I'm, so sorry. I won’t ask anymore. I’m sorry, Mere.” 

 

“Hey. Hey.” Rodney finds himself comforting his sister, petting her back, “It’s not that bad… Well, it was bad, but It’s gonna be okay. Okay? I’m glad you’re here… and we’ll spend some time together. I’ll be good.” 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Jeanie squeezes her brother as hard as she can, he feels so small now. She nods and sniffles, trying not to cry. Then she pulls herself together so that she can have dinner with Rodney and his friends. 

 

She is confused when he re-introduces Jennifer as a friend. Last she knew, Jennifer was Rodney’s girlfriend. But Jennifer seems very cozy with Ronan now. Jennifer and Teyla both tell Jeanie about all the fun activities they have planned while she is here. 

 

Her brother looks so pale sitting close to his friend John. John has been really great to help Rodney through all this, he and Rodney have always been close. John had given her explicit instructions not to ask Rodney about what had happened but Jeanie had been unable to stop herself. 

 

When she'd questioned John on what else Rodney needed, he'd told her just to be herself. John said that Rodney just needed the familiarity to help him get back to normal, even if they ended up fighting, it would be fine, telling her, “I think he just needs someone around calling him Mere for a while.” 

 

John had explained to her that he was going on a trip soon and Rodney would need the extra company for a while. Jeanie will do what ever she can to help her brother. She had known it was bad, for him to be out of contact this long, but seeing her him now, so pale and thin, hunched over his plate anxiously, it breaks her heart. 

 

The week goes by quickly for Jeanie, there is so much activity buzzing around on Atlantis and John has made sure that Jeanie won’t be bored a single minute of it. Sometimes Jeanie helps Rodney out in the lab, bantering with him over ideas. Sometimes she spends the day with Jennifer or Teyla. 

 

It is hard not to notice that whenever Jennifer is around, Ronan is always somewhere nearby or just leaving. Jeanie thinks she likes Jennifer better now that she isn’t dating her brother. Not that she hadn’t wanted her brother to be happy, it’s just, the two of them hadn’t seemed like a good fit. 

 

Often Jeanie hangs out with Teyla and her son Toren. The two of them have a lot more in common. In the evenings, the whole big crew of them hang out together. Teyla, Carson, John’s who is never far from Rodney's side, and of course Ronan and Jennifer. 

 

They seem like a big family sometimes bickering but a lot of fun to be with. She is glad Rodney has them all, especially John. She hadn’t realized just how close the two of them were, and wonders again if John might be that person from the past that Rodney had deeper feelings for.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

The night before John leaves Rodney wants him so badly. He doesn't let John pull away and cool off the way they usually do after hot and heavy kissing. Rodney wrestles with him and climbs on top. John lets Rodney pull his arms up over his head and bite his shoulder. That always drives him wild. He continues kissing and nibbling up John’s neck until he reaches John’s ear. 

 

“I really want to fuck you.” Rodney’s voice is heavy with lust. 

 

He can feel John’s hard cock twitch under him. John is moving his head from side to side, but his arms stay under Rodney’s grasp. 

 

“I’m ready.” Rodney leans up to John’s lips, taking them in full, “And I want to be with you.” 

 

He reaches down to feel John’s cock in his hand. John stops shaking his head and moans instead. But suddenly, John jumps and pulls out from under Rodney. 

 

Rodney feels rejected and John must see it on his face because he moves close again, “I’m sorry, it’s just so sudden. I need to know that you aren’t going to be hurt.” 

 

“Mere," John holds Rodney's face in his hands, "I don't want to hurt you, can't bear it if I did anything to hurt you again.” 

 

Sighing, Rodney closes his eyes and pulls away from John to down on the pillow. 

 

John lays down and rests his head next to his, “If you still feel this way when I get back-” 

 

“But what if you don’t come back?” Rodney whines.

 

“I’m coming back.” John holds Rodney’s chin and gives him a firm kiss. 

 

“But, what if you don’t?” Rodney whimpers.

 

“Nothing in this world could drag me away from you, Rodney.” John leans back in and speaks with his lips brushing against his; Rodney almost believes it. 

 

John kisses the nape of Rodney’s neck and whispers, “I just need a little more time to make sure you’re going to be okay. Will you give me that?” 

 

“Just come back.” Rodney mumbles sullenly and lets John hold him again; he will try to be content with this, for now.

 

“I will always come back for you, Mere.” John voice is husky and strong.

 

“Okay, Em," Rodney tries to let go of his fear, "if you say so.” 

 

“I do say so.” John's arms tighten around him and makes it feel okay, like he always does.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

In the morning Jeanie can’t find her brother for breakfast, then she remembers that John is leaving today. He is probably seeing John and Ronan off at the Jumper bay. Now familiar with Atlantis, she makes her way down there. 

 

Jeanie rounds the corner and sees no one. She walks along to peer into a Jumper with the back cargo bay open and then she sees her brother. He is kissing John. They are wrapped up in each other’s arms. Whispering in each other’s ears and kissing again. 

 

Kissing like… Oh, Wow. 

 

They stop and just hold onto each for a minute. Rodney has his back to her but John’s face is within her sight. His eyes are closed but when he opens them, he sees Jeanie wide-mouthed stare. 

 

She lifts her hand a points a finger at John with a stunned expression on her face. Rodney must sense something change in John’s posture because he turns around from the embrace. 

 

Rodney’s mouth falls open in a similar wide-mouthed stare. John clears his throat and Rodney looks back to him. 

 

Taking Rodney’s hands in his, John keeps a distance, but his eyes are soft and sincere, “I’ll be back, I promise.” 

 

Her brother nods.

 

Ronan calls from the front of the Jumper, Jeanie had forgotten he was there, “You ready to go?” 

 

“Yeah...Yeah.” Rodney answers.

 

Jeanie sees her brother squeeze John’s hands one last time before he walks out of the Jumper and over to her. 

 

She doesn’t know what to say, “Bye, John...and Ronan.” 

 

The back of the Jumper closes and it lifts up and out into the sky. 

 

“Oh my God”, Jeanie turns to her brother, “Mere, that kiss!” 

 

“Oh." Rodney flushes. "You saw that.”

 

“Yes,” Jeanie's face is open with shock, “I saw that. I mean, Jesus. What a kiss. What are you not telling me? I know it’s something good.” 

 

He looks around the empty bay nervously, “Just, not here okay?” 

 

She follows Rodney to his quarters, “Sweet digs. Much bigger than my room. And check out that bed. Nice.” 

 

“Well,” Rodney waves his hand, “that’s what you get for being the resident genius.” 

 

“Okay genius, now spill.” Jeannie takes a seat.

 

“Okay.” Rodney sits next to her, “Uh, It’s something good. Me and John.” 

 

“For how long?” Jeannie leans forward in anticipation.

 

“Well, It’s a bit convoluted.” Rodney screws up his face and tries to think. 

 

“Well, un-convolute it!” Jeanie spins her fingers, “Story please.” 

 

“Well, it started a long time ago” Rodney rubs his jaw, “About 5 ½ years ago, I guess. We were together briefly -but stopped because… I guess, because we were both afraid. Uh, we got to be friends instead. Mostly friends, other some stuff happened I guess, or sort of happened in between. But I’ve been in love with him this whole time.” 

 

“Really?” Jeanie whispers reverently.

 

“Yeah, like really, seriously in love.” 

 

“So he’s the one you were talking about. How come you never told me anything else about it over the years?” 

 

“Well,” Rodney lifts his hands, “it’s not like I thought it was going to go anywhere. I mean you even said when I was with Katie, that I couldn’t do better.” 

 

“Sorry, Mere.” Jeanie frowns, “I just wanted you to be happy. I thought she was nice and you just needed a push.” 

 

“Well, I’ve never been very good with relationships.” 

 

“I never should have said that, it was mean.. I’m sorry.” Jeanie says with a pang of guilt.

 

“It’s okay.” Rodney smiles at her, “I realized I was making a mistake by proposing.” 

 

“Did you ask her to marry her?” 

 

“No, almost.” Rodney twists his mouth into one-sided frown, “But I realized it was a mistake. I didn’t love her, I was an emotional mess, and I wouldn’t have made her happy… I loved someone else, I just never thought he would love me back.” 

 

“And then?” Jeanie prompts. 

 

“Mmm.” Rodney’s face brightens, “It turns out he felt the same way. Maybe not for a long as I did, but for a while at least. He actually resigned over it… When he left I broke things off with Jennifer and went after him.” 

 

“So you figured out that he felt the same?” 

 

“No.” Rodney smiles and lifts a finger, “And here is the really brave part. The emotional growth. I went after him anyway, and told him how I felt.” 

 

“Wow. Mere. I’m impressed….” Jeannie holds her hands up to her cheeks, “And that’s so romantic.” 

 

“I thought so.” Rodney lifts his face with pride.

 

“So, how long has it been since you guys, really got together?” 

 

“Uh… I mean, uh, over 4 months, I think, but it's like we’ve been together all these years. We’ve been so close; it’s not that different. It’s just how it should have been all along.” 

 

“And you’re happy, Mere?” Jeanie puts her hand on her heart.

 

“I’m so happy, I never thought I could be this happy, this loved. He loves me…” Rodney looks into Jeannie’s eyes letting her see the love he feels, his voice gets choked up, “so much” 

 

Jeanie gazes at her brother; she has never seen him like this. She is still worried about his physical condition but John seems to be taking care of him. She has never seen him so open and vulnerable, it is like he is different person. 

 

She makes a pronouncement, “Then I love him, too.” 

 

Rodney gives her a crooked smile. 

 

“Let’s just hope he likes Tofurky.” She adds.

 

“Nobody likes Tofurky.” Rodney laughs.  
.  
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.


	14. Dave was warned about the famous glare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney's first encounter with John's brother does not go well.  
> _.

.  
.

Rodney now takes his evening trainings with Teyla. It is different than working with Ronan or John. In way, it is more challenging. She is his size but doesn't take it easy on him so he is grateful for the time spent training with Ronan on the fighting sticks. 

 

The hardest part has been spending the nights by himself. No John to hold onto, no one to comfort him when he wakes up afraid. Rodney starts sleeping in John’s spare room. Even though John never really spent much time there, Rodney feels closer to him somehow. 

 

He finds some shirts that smell like John and wears them to bed. He listens to John’s music, the song he played for Rodney that night on the pier. He plays it over waiting for resurrection, waiting for a morning that will come without the nightmares. But the faces still take him in his dreams and he wakes up in terror, screaming into the empty room. 

 

Days are easier, there is so much to do, people around him. They never seem to leave him by himself. Rodney wonders if John has given them all instructions, planned out the entire duration of his absence. Jeannie moves over to stay Rodney’s empty room. With her closer, she is able to help him with a side project. 

 

Rodney is also able to catch up more with Carson. They plan a day trip just outside the bay area to do some fly-fishing, which Carson is thrilled about and Rodney is dreading. But it is one of the things Rodney’s always wanted to make up to Carson after cancelling on that fateful fishing trip so many years ago. 

 

So Rodney dons the gear, big rubber boots and all and joins Carson for a cold day of standing in the river. He is grateful he doesn’t catch anything or have to figure out how to release it. Finally he wades back to shore in relief, once Carson has had his fill. 

 

Carson doesn't remembered the canceled trip since he was cloned before it happened, but he tells Rodney, “This has been truly lovely. I always wanted to do this.” 

 

“Yeah, I know.” Rodney smiles.

 

“So” Carson gives him a quizzical look, “when are you going catch me up what’s going on with you and Johnny-boy?” 

 

“I miss him so much,” Rodney confesses, “he’s only been gone a couple weeks but it seems like a lifetime ago.” 

 

“He'll be back, don’t worry” Carson pats him on the shoulder.

 

“You really think so?” Rodney looks at Carson with a worrisome expression.

 

“Well, of course.” Carson knits his brows, “Why wouldn’t he?” 

 

“I’m just not used to being this happy, I keep thinking something terrible is going to happen.”

 

“Are things going well between you, or…?” 

 

“Yeah. So good.” Rodney tone is hushed. He closes his eyes remembering John’s hands and lips on him and sighs. 

 

“So... Good?” 

 

“Ah, yeah.” Rodney opens his eyes again and smiles at Carson, “Good.” 

 

Carson appraises Rodney, “Okay. Good… You know, it’s just with everything you been through-” 

 

“No. It’s not like that.” Rodney corrects him, “We’re not, we're taking it slow. But it’s taken us so long to be honest with each other and to talk about our love-” 

 

“Love, is it?” Carson grins.

 

“Yes." Rodney can't help but show his exuberance , "Like super big, once in a lifetime love. I wish I could explain more about the past, because it all makes sense now, it’s just some of his stories aren't mine to tell. But if you knew him the way I do… understood the demons he’s struggled to overcome to be with me… you would be in awe of him the way I am.”

 

“I have to admit," Carson tilts his head, "I was surprised. But I certainly have been in awe of the way he has tended to you over the last months, and I have let go of whatever judgments I may have had in the past.

 

“He’s the one I’ve always wanted, you know that.” Rodney tells him sincerely.

 

“Aye.” Carson nods and smiles, “Nothing could convince you otherwise. And I’m happy for it… For you both.” 

 

.  
.

 

The following day, Woolsey gives the team members a briefing and Rodney can’t believe the bad news. With Teyla planning to stay off active duty, Daniel Jackson will be joining the Atlantis team. He is so annoyed that he barely listens to the rest of what Woolsey has to say… Something about more personnel and IOA people coming from the SCG. Great. 

 

As soon as Woolsey stops talking, Rodney asks, “Can I go now?” 

 

Woolsey gives him a withering look but lets Rodney leave. 

 

He stalks to his room. He has to tell Jeannie about this. Daniel is the worst. The absolute worst. 

 

He tries to explain it so that Jeannie will understand, but she annoys him too, “It sounds like you’re threatened to have someone else smart around.”

 

“That’s not it. That’s not it at all. You don't understand, he’s insufferable!” He says as he storms back to his room.

 

Rodney distracts himself working on his side project and then goes to exercise with Teyla to get some of the nerves out. Why did Teyla have to step down? They had a perfect little family, the four of them. It will all be different now that she’s off the team. He can’t wait for John to get back. 

 

Before he goes to bed, Jeanie and Rodney makeup and she promises to help out in any way she can over the next week or so that she will be in Atlantis, “If I can vanquish your foe in that time, I will.” 

 

It really isn’t that dramatic, just a minor annoyance. Rodney has to laugh at himself.

.  
.

 

A few days later Rodney is having lunch with Jeanie, Carson, and Jennifer. He sees Woolsey walking over to the table with a group of people and spies Daniel.

 

As Woolsey approaches the table, he tells Rodney and the others, “I’ve just been giving them a tour of the facility…” 

 

Rodney rolls his eyes towards Daniel to let Jeannie know this is the guy he has been talking about. Rodney makes a comment about how 8 people at one table is a little tight and maybe they should find their own. ButWoolsey ignores him and takes group to get some food before rejoining them at the table. 

 

A sexy woman sits down right next to Rodney. Long dark hair with a small blonde streak. She looks like cat woman in ponytails with her skintight clothes. Not at all the kind of person to work with the SGC. He realizes he's met her once before but can’t remember her name. 

 

Rodney refuses to acknowledge Daniel and instead stares at the IOA suit seated across front of him. He looks like even more of tight ass that Woolsey. 

 

“And you are…” Rodney asks brusquely.

 

The man reaches out his hand, “Dave, Dav-” 

 

“Dave.” Rodney cuts him off, “Here to write some reports, Dave?” 

 

“Ah, I,” Dave fumbles, “Yes, will be, while I am here.” 

 

The cat-lady next to him claps her hands and grins a big sarcastic smile, “Wonderful! I love reports.” 

 

“Yes.” Rodney narrows his eyes at Daniel and Dave, “Isn’t this just. Wonderful.” 

 

Dave speaks up, “I’m not sure if there is some slight taken with my role in professional capacity, but I am here with the best of intentions, and in good faith.” 

 

“Oh yes,” Rodney waves his fork at Dave, “people like you always are. You come here in your... suits. With no idea how any of this really works, and you write your stupid reports all about my work, which I might add, you do not even have the capacity to comprehend… 

 

You make your asinine proposals and suggestions, which end disastrously. And even if you manage not to get anyone in the field killed in the process, you at the very least, make my job more difficult.” 

 

Rodney turns to Jeanie, “Probably one of those billionaire investor types that tries to influence government policy.” 

 

Jeanie shakes her head in disapproval and narrows her eyes at Dave. 

 

“Rodney!” Woolsey barks out from the end of the table.

 

“What?” Rodney shrugs, “It’s true isn’t it?”

 

“Rodney!” Woolsey’s tone is sharp, “This is Dave Sheppard… The man who saved your life and got you rescued. John Sheppard's brother.” 

 

“Ooo.." The minx next to Rodney trills, "This is a bit awkward.” 

 

“Who is this?” Rodney frowns and gestures at her in frustration.

 

“Evidence seems to point to the fact that you don’t listen to introductions, seeing as you’ve met her before,” Daniel makes a sarcastic face as he points to Dave. 

 

“Otherwise would know who this guy is. And you would know that this” Daniel points to the woman across from him, “is Vala.” 

 

Vala gives Rodney a big toothy grin and reaches out her hand, “Vala Mal Doran. Pleased to meet you... again” 

 

Rodney shakes her hand, not knowing what else to do. 

 

He hears Jeanie reach across the table, her voice sounds warm and exuberant. “You saved my brother’s life!? I can’t thank you enough. I’m Jeanie, Rodney’s sister. Thank you! Thank you so much!” 

 

Turning to look at John’s brother, Rodney sees Jeanie enthusiastically shaking his hand. Dave looks as bewildered as Rodney feels. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Rodney looks up shamefully, “I was, obviously… quite wrong.” 

 

“He never admits that.” Jeannie points a thumb at her brother with excitement, “So, he really means it.” 

 

“Uh, thank you.” Rodney continues with a serious frown, “For saving us. I do really mean it.” 

 

“Errrr.” Vala makes a quaky noise, “A bit of lackluster save if you ask me.” 

 

"No one's asking you!" Rodney spins to Vala in frustration."Will you stop with the running commentary?”

 

“It’s… kind of what she does.” Daniel lifts his hands.

 

“I fail to see how this is a talent worthy of mention.” Rodney glares at Vala, “No? No witty remarks for that one?”

 

Jeanie appears to be trying to deflect the tension and reaches over the table to touch Dave’s arm, “Well, I just want to say that I think you’re great. I don’t care how much money you make. Welcome to the family.” 

 

“Huh?” Dave is perplexed. 

 

“Oh, it’s a Canadian expression.” Jeanie plays it off.

 

This couldn’t get much worse. Rodney places his hands over his face in embarrassment. Maybe they will just forget about him if he keeps his face hidden. 

 

“So, Rodney.” Dave clears his throat, “John tells me you're a physicist?” 

 

Rodney is slow to answer and Jeanie begins for him, “Yes, he is. We both are, it’s just that I have not chosen to sell my knowledge for profit to the government industrial complex.” 

 

“Oh please,” Rodney turns to snark at her, “you so have.” 

 

“Have not.” Jeanie protests, “Just because I help you with your homework occasionally does not mean I buy into the-” 

 

Woolsey interjects, “Seeing as neither of you are citizens of this country, you can save your criticisms for when that time comes, if indeed, it ever does.” 

 

Rodney protests, “I wasn’t criticizing-” 

 

“Rodney!” Woolsey barks, “I think we've heard just about enough.” 

 

Lowering his head, Rodney tries to blend into the background for the rest of the meal. He feels Dave watching with him curiosity. 

 

After people finish talking and eating, Rodney makes quiet overture to Dave, “Listen, I, uh, would like to say I’m sorry. Maybe I can make it up to before you go.” 

 

“I would like that, maybe dinner sometime.” Dave tells him.

 

“How long will you here?” Rodney asks.

 

“A little while.” Dave shrugs, “How about tomorrow?” 

 

“Yeah. But, maybe not in cafeteria, it can get kind of nuts.” 

 

Dave smiles in a way that reminds Rodney of John. He misses John so much. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Dave takes his time absorb what he has seen of Rodney McKay so far. John had warned him that Rodney would be handful. Though John never said anything about who exactly, Rodney is to him, he can’t doubt that this was somebody John cares for very much. He had given Dave such detailed instructions about Rodney’s personality…. His likes and dislikes, ways to get him to talk, to challenge him to a game. 

 

He supposes Rodney is attractive; his personality is just so different than John’s. It wouldn’t have been the pairing Dave would guessed. But then Dave has missed so much of John’s life. He barely knows who is brother is. In a way, that is why he is here, to get to know his John and understand his world. 

 

John has explained that Rodney eats an early dinner, due to his medical recovery. No to citrus products. Yes to blue jello. Dave sets up the dinner in his quarters and invites Rodney over. 

 

When Rodney arrives, he looks bashful, not at all like the brash man Dave had met in the cafeteria yesterday. 

 

He fidgets, “I, again, I’m so sorry about the other day. I really got off on the wrong foot. I didn’t realize who you were.” 

 

“Otherwise you would have kept at me?” Dave laughs.

 

“Well, maybe.” Rodney looks embarrassed.

 

Dave gestures to the seats at the coffee table, “I took the liberty of-” 

 

“Ooo. Blue jello.” Rodney interrupts and immediately selects the tray that was handpicked for him. 

 

“I was hoping that we might spend more time together while I’m here.” Dave says as he appraises Rodney carefully.

 

“Did John ask you check up on me?” Rodney sets his utensils down.

 

“Yes.” Dave is frank, “But I was rather hoping you could help me get know my brother a little better.” 

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney likes thinking about it that way, as if he and Dave are in cahoots about something, rather than feeling like he is an invalid that needs looking after. 

 

“Okay.” Rodney takes a big bite of jello. 

 

“You know him pretty well.” Dave states.

 

“Last 5 ½ years, I guess.” Rodney tries to keep it sounding casual. 

 

“Well, tell me about my brother.” Dave is thoughtful, “What kind of man is he?” 

 

“He is…” Rodney sets the jello aside and reflects, “The first thing he is, is brave. SO much bravery and valor. He’s practically a superhero.” 

 

Dave smiles and Rodney continues, “No, I’m serious. I mean, you have no idea the kind of stuff he’s capable of. He has risked his life so many times and gotten out it because he’s just that good …and more than a little lucky. But he’s put his life on the line for all of us here so many times. We would do anything so for him.” 

 

"What else?" Rodney takes another big spoonful of Jello, "Oh. Loyal. He’s very loyal, you know. That's made us all very loyal to him." 

 

Speaking through a mouthful Rodney adds, “There was a time when he didn’t have a team, he was… on his own. But I don't think it's how he was meant to be because when he got to Atlantis, he pulled us all together and made us, kind of like, a family.” 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Dave feels sad, _‘Yeah, the family he never had’._

 

Out loud he says, “I’m glad that he has you all. You know, the main reason I got involved with the IOA, was really that I wanted to be a part of my brother’s life again…”

 

Dave wonders how much Rodney knows about the past and finds himself uncomfortably confessing, “I should have been more of a brother to him, been there to look after him when he was younger. But instead I left him on his own. I know I can't make up for the past entirely, but I’d like to try.” 

 

“Oh.” Rodney swallows a bite and looks at Dave, “I think, I mean, I _know_ he's forgiven you. It didn’t take much. When he went home, and you told him that you loved him and accepted him... Well, ah, I think it healed a part of his heart that was broken for a long time.” 

 

Dave’s throat is tight and he pinches the bridge of his nose. He didn’t expect to get this emotional.

 

Rodney speaks more softly, “I was really happy for him when he told me.”

 

Unable to speak for a moment, Dave nods. He collects himself, “I just missed his whole life, you know, for nothing. I shouldn’t have let my Dad… And I didn't even think about how that would feel for John. I never seemed like he really cared.” 

 

“Oh. Yeah, he's good at hiding it." Rodney makes a sympathetic expression, "You know, like nothing gets to him, as if he could care less about what's going on around him.” 

 

“Yeah.” Dave looks up sharply, “I do it too though. It’s how we were raised. Stay detached, unemotional. Guess it’s no surprise that neither of us could hold a marriage together. I don’t know why Mom stayed with as long as she did…” Dave trails off.

 

“It sounds like it was real hard the way you guys grew up.” Rodney speaks carefully and something about his tone tells Dave he knows all about his mother's death.

 

“Well,” Dave presses his lips together, “we had a lot of things, materially. But it was hard after Mom died. It was just empty, cold. I suppose we should have had each other to lean on. But the three of us lived in ours own worlds after that. I don’t blame my Dad entirely … 

 

Dave's shoulders stoop in guilt, "I can’t blame John at all. He was just a kid, and he was… he was always reaching out to me but I was never there for him.” 

 

“You were both kids.” Rodney offers him an excuse. 

 

“So you and your sister, you seem pretty close.” Dave tries to shake of the heavy feeling in his chest.

 

“We fight a lot. And we haven’t always been close. We’ve gone through periods where we didn’t talk. It was entirely my fault of course. Uh… partly this of this project, being in another universe -and partially, because I’m not great at being close to people. But I’m a little better at it now”. 

 

“What’s the longest you ever went without talking?” Dave is curious.

 

“It was about 4 years, I think?” 

 

“Not quite the same.” Dave sighs.

 

“No.” Rodney agrees, “But want to be in each other’s lives now. That’s what matters.” 

 

“Okay.” Dave leans back in his chair, “Tell me more about John.” 

 

“Well, we left off with bravery, valor, and loyalty…” Rodney looks thoughtful, “I guess I would have to say fun, funny. He is like a little kid that way he plays games and gets all competitive.” 

 

“He said the same thing about you.” Dave laughs.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney is curious, “He told you about me?” 

 

“Oh.” Dave raises his eyebrows, “More than I needed to know.” 

 

“Like what?” Rodney’s stomach burns with embarrassment. 

 

“Well,” Dave begins, “it was more like a set of instructions. How to handle Rodney McKay with care. He warned me that you were a handful, so I was expecting a livewire. And you didn’t disappoint, obviously. He laid out what to do, what not to do. What Rodney can eat and when… All kinds of stuff like that.” 

 

“Is that all?” Rodney asks.

 

“Yeah.” Dave gives Rodney a curious look, “I suppose there’s other stuff I would like to know, but that’s the kind of stuff he told me.” 

 

“And you came all this way to follow his instructions?” Rodney asks.

 

“Of course.” Dave is serious now; “It’s the first time I can remember him really asking me for anything since he was… about 9. I knew must be important.” 

 

“That’s kind of sweet.” Rodney is touched. He isn’t sure if he is talking about John, Dave, or both. 

 

“That’s another thing John is,” Rodney tells him, “Sweet. And charming. Woman fall for him left and right because he’s so charming and good looking.” 

 

Dave is frowning in confusion, “But he’s not-” 

 

Rodney cuts Dave off before he can continue, “He’s romanced his share of sexy woman in this galaxy and the next. John could be with anyone he wants to… But the thing is, that most people don't realize about him is, that the charm is a deceptive wall, it’s an act that everything for him is easy. He doesn’t let a lot of people in. 

 

“But he lets you in.” Dave is pensive.

 

“Uh, yeah” Rodney lowers his eyes in embarrassment, “I guess.” 

 

“Is he really that charming?” 

 

“Oh my God.” Rodney rolls his eyes, “The worst. It is so infuriating how likeable and charming he is. You can imagine how much harder that makes it for me.” 

 

“You?” Dave asks.

 

“Well,” Rodney gives Dave a poignant look, "as you witnessed for yourself, I don’t exactly make a good first impression, or second, or whatever. You get the idea.” 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Dave rubs the back of his neck, “Oh, I don’t know. You’re doing pretty good now.” 

 

“Don’t jinx it.” Rodney waves his hands quickly. “Don’t jinx it.” 

 

“All right, well…” Dave slides forward in his chair, “Now, I hear you’re a pretty crappy chess player… So, I brought a board, to see if I could kick your ass as easily as John said I could.” 

 

He starts to set the pieces up to the side of the dinner trays. When he looks up Rodney is glaring at him. 

 

John had warned Dave about the famous glare, he doesn’t take it seriously. 

 

Then Rodney’s face screws up. “Wait. Did John tell you to say that to me?” 

 

“Yes.” Dave gives a tight smile.

 

“See,” Rodney rolls his eyes and sighs, “this is what he does to me, it never stops with the taunting.” 

 

“I hear that you do plenty of taunting yourself.” Dave studiously moves a pawn.

 

“No. A little.” Rodney is exasperated, “Only for defensive purposes. You have no idea what I have to put up.”  
.  
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	15. Vala and Daniel uncover Rodney's secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney makes a mistake and worries that it will cost he and John everything.  
> ._

.  
.

 

Jeanie stays on a few more days to help Rodney finish his project and then says her goodbyes. After she leaves Rodney starts spending more time with Dave. He takes Rodney out to pebble beach for fancy golf experience. He even also comes by the lab and distracts Rodney the just way John used to.

 

Dave is nothing like John, but Rodney grows fond of him. He is kind, he interested in Rodney’s projects, and he puts up with Rodney’s moods. So, maybe he is a little bit like John. Even if this is all just a penance for John, it is gracious and it helps Rodney miss John less.

 

And Dave’s company is a welcome respite from all time he has been having to spend with Daniel lately. He and Daniel have been assigned to Janus’s lab to decode and crack the ciphers on the mysterious machines. Daniel works on the ancient riddles and linguistics while Rodney focuses on the algorithms.

 

Vala is constantly traipsing in and disrupting his focus. For the life of him, he can’t figure out what hell she is even doing here on Atlantis. Apparently her specialty is following Daniel around and making wisecracks.

 

She leans over consoles in her sexy skintight outfit. Not that Rodney is opposed to sexy skintight outfits on woman, as a general rule. Just, Vala is so over the top and obnoxious. Rodney lifts his chin up in irritation as she laughs and whispers something in Daniel's ear.

 

He interrupts their hushed conversation, “Is there a reason why the two of you can’t go somewhere else to whisper your sweet nothings?”

 

Vala turns around and leans back on one of the machines, “What’s the matter, Rodney? Too hot for you to handle?”

 

Daniel sounds embarrassed “We’re not actually-“

 

“Not having sex on the machines… Well, at least not while you’re here.” Vala grins.

 

Wrinkling up his nose, Rodney feels ill with the image of Daniel soiling the equipment. He pulls his hands away from the console in distaste.

 

Vala bursts out laughing and Rodney spins his chair around to glare at her more fully, “So this outfit your wearing… to me it just screams science department. But as the head of Sciences here on Atlantis, no one has briefed me on your actual duties. Maybe you could explain to me a little bit about what you do around here?”

 

“Actually, Rodney, it seems to me that you’re sporting a new look yourself these days," Daniel cracks, "What happened to those stylish short-sleeved tops? You’ve got, kind of a, Colonel Sheppard vibe going now with the long sleeved T-shirts and solid black. Oh. Wait, is this the official attire now for the head of sciences?”

 

Rodney's mouth hangs open, unsure of how to respond and nervous at the mention of John’s name.

 

“Maybe he’s in mourning.” Daniel shrugs and looks at Vala, “Didn’t Jennifer break up with him to date Ronan?”

 

“No, no.” Vala corrects him, “Rodney broke up with Jennifer.”

 

“Really?” Daniel peers at Rodney in confusion.

 

Bristling with hostility, Rodney sputters, “Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?”

 

“Oh it’s not. The reason is obvious.” Vala smirks.

 

Rodney frowns feeling flustered as Vala traipses over to him..

 

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell us about your secret love for Colonel Sheppard." Val sounds happy go lucky, "It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Vala she smiles plucking at his shirt.

 

The color drains out of Rodney’s face. He stares at her and then back to Daniel. His heart is racing his mind is clouded with pure panic. How can this be happening?

 

He blurts out a plea for amnesty without thinking, “Oh-my-God-please, please, don’t say anything -He could get court martialed.”

 

“Oh my God.” Vala gapes, “I’m right? I was only joking…”

 

Now Rodney is starting to hyperventilate. His heart is beating a million miles an hour, his hands are shaking. He has to get out of here.

 

Rodney keeps his eyes on the floor as he flees the lab, “Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.”

 

He may have just cost John everything, they would both have to leave Atlantis, their home. “Oh God-Oh God-Oh God-Oh God.” Rodney shuffles down the hall in terror.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Daniel sighs uncomfortably at Vala, lifting a thumb toward the door, “I should probably go after him.”

 

“Yeah.” Vala nods.

 

Figuring Rodney is likely in his quarters, Daniels tries there first, ringing the chime. No one answers and he is about to leave when hears Rodney’s voice from inside.

 

Assuming the door must be open, Daniel waves his hand over the panel, walking in.

 

Rodney is shaking like a leaf, he looks so petrified that Daniel feels sorry for him, “Rodney you don’t look well, maybe you should sit down.”

 

Rodney silently drops to the edge of the bed and Daniel notices just how thin Rodney has become. Sitting hunched over himself this way, he looks downright frail

 

“Rodney we should talk about this. I’m sorry about what Vala said… She's always teasing people like that. Neither of us had any idea.”

 

“And now you do.” Rodney is thin lipped, “None of that makes it any better.”

 

“Okay. So why are you so upset?” Daniel questions.

 

“Why!?” Rodney looks up at him with rage, “Why am I upset Daniel? Because thanks to you, John I and are going to lose everything. He’ll be court martialed. I’ll have to resign and we'll lose our home. To you, this is just a curiosity full of Ancient gadgets, but for us it has been home, a real home, that we are about to lose. I might even lose him. So, I’m upset, yeah.”

 

“Oh my God.” Rodney folds his arms into himself and looks bleakly without focusing on anything in particular, “What am I going to tell him?”

 

“First off, Rodney,” Daniel feels defensive, “I’m more than a little offended that you think I would tell anyone about this.”

 

“So, I’m just supposed to trust you.” Rodney hisses.

 

“Secondly,” Daniel continues, “I don’t know where all the hostility comes from. I have nothing against you, apparently you have something against me... But I wouldn't divulge your personal life out of spite, or, or for any reason, for that matter. I don’t know why you have such a low opinion of me. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve ever done anything to merit it. I mean, what have I ever done to you, Rodney?”

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

  
Rodney hunches further, his arms digging into themselves. He feels like he wants to scream and cry at the same time. What is he going to tell John?

 

The fear is overtaking him, Rodney is reverting to an old wounded place. What if John leaves him? He starts to rock hypnotically to soothe himself, rubbing his arms the way John used to, to calm him down.

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

Daniel watches with growing concern. As Rodney moves his hands over his arms, Daniel sees ugly pink scars twisting up from his wrists. Something has happened to Rodney since the last time he was on Atlantis. Something bad.

 

“Rodney?” Daniel speaks softly.

 

Rodney looks up at him defensively and sees him looking at his wrists; he clutches the sleeves of his shirt back down self consciously, “Yes. Thank you! There is a reason I wear long sleeved shirts now.”

 

A knot of guilt burning in his stomach, Daniel tells him, “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I had no idea.”

 

But Rodney doesn’t respond. He is hyperventilating and rocking with his eyes glazed over. He looks like is lost somewhere else, somewhere bad.

 

“No…." Rodney mutters to himself, "Please… no.”

 

Rodney has always been prickly, every time Daniel had tried to reach out to him, he had just gotten bitten in return, but seeing Rodney like this, pulls his heartstrings, makes him want to try again.

 

Daniel grabs a small blanket off the end of the bed and sets it around Rodney’s shoulders. Rodney clutches at it like a child and looks like he is about to cry.

 

“Please." Rodney's voice is pinched and small, "God. No."

 

Sitting next to him, Daniel is uncertain of what to do. He makes a move, maybe the wrong one. He reaches his arm over Rodney’s shoulders and pats his upper arm on the far side.

 

“I’m sorry….” Rodney stops rocking immediately and his head falls forward. “Oh God....”

 

“Hey, hey.” Daniel squeezes him and pats the back of the blanket, “It’s okay. Why don’t we start over? …I’m sorry. Really, I am. I don’t want to hurt you Rodney. I never did. I’d like to be your friend if you let me.”

 

Rodney head nods wearily and Daniel keeps his arm around him. It feels like the right thing to do.

 

When Rodney speaks it sounds constricted, like he is trying not to cry, “I’m sorry ...some ...stuff …happened, not-quite-over-it. And I, I miss John.”

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

  
Rodney thinks about at the nights has woken up alone, screaming for John. The fear the he won’t come back, the thought that Rodney could make one stupid mistake lose John’s love is more than he can take right right now.

 

His voice is squeaky and Rodney can’t be sure if Daniel understands, “I don’t want to lose him.”

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

Daniel squeezes Rodney’s shoulders and assures him, “You’re not going to lose him, Rodney. Not as long as I’m around. Friends look out for each other.”

 

“We’re friends, right?” Daniel leans down to see Rodney's face.

 

“If you say so?” Rodney looks apprehensive.

 

Nothing with Rodney is ever easy.

 

“Hmm. Okay. Well, I say so, so there.” Daniel screws up his face, making a declarative statement, “You and me and are officially friends now.”

 

Giving it a little time to sink in, Daniel asks, “Okay?”

 

“Okay…” Rodney sounds suspicious.

 

“And Vala may not seem like,” Daniel explains, “but she’s a person who can keep a secret if it is important.”

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney nods, starting to feel foolish for letting himself get so scared. He sits upright and Daniel drops his arm. Letting the blanket on his shoulders fall to the bed, Rodney tries to regain his composure.

 

He isn’t used to falling apart like this around someone he doesn’t trust, but he has a feeling that maybe things are going to be okay after all. Still, this is an epic fuck up on his part.

 

Eyeing Daniel cautiously, Rodney holds out his hand, “Friends.”

 

Daniel shakes his hand and sounds relieved, “So now that we’re friends, maybe you can show me and Vala around... we don’t know a lot of other people here yet."

 

"And..." Daniel adds, "I know Vala acts like we are, but we’re not a couple, she just likes to play around. What do you say? You could show us whatever’s fun around here.”

 

“Yeah. Uh, okay.” Rodney nods more confidently, “Dave and I were going to do something tomorrow. You guys could come, I guess.”

 

“Don’t tell me you guys are getting along now.” Daniel lifts his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah. I think John wanted us to get to know each other.”

 

“Nice save.” Daniel smiles.

 

“Thanks.” Rodney smiles meekly, “So all this… stays between us?”

 

“Of course.” Daniel sounds sincere.

 

Okay, he will go out on limb here and try trusting Daniel. Rodney exhales. When he really thinks about it, he isn’t sure why he had decided he didn’t like him in the first place. He really can’t think of a good reason, other than the McKay trademark bubble of hostility.

 

Rodney stands up and Daniel follows his lead.

 

“You going to be okay if I go?” Daniel asks.

 

“Yeah,” Rodney assures him, “I got plans with Carson and Dave.”

 

“Okay then,” Daniel pats him on the shoulder one last time, “see you back at the lab.”

 

.  
.

 

For the rest of the week, it seems like the party is happening every night Vala’s place. Vala is hilarious and charms everyone with her antics. Jennifer seems especially taken with her and they become fast friends.

 

Carson and Dave seem to really hit it off too, they even take a day trip fishing and golfing together. John should be home any day now. Rodney can think of little else.

 

One night while they are all playing charades, Jennifer mentions that she and Rodney used to date. Rodney gets nervous when anything comes up that might give away his relationship with John. He is pretty sure that Dave doesn’t know.

 

“Really, you two?” Dave looks curiously at the two of them.

 

“Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?” Rodney says with hostility.

 

“No.” Dave looks confused, "But I thought... Were you together long?”

 

Jennifer starts to talk and Rodney’s stomach tightens, “Well, he broke things off actually, before we got too serious. He was in love with someone else.”

 

A panic starts to rise in Rodney's chest that Dave is going to ask who. But he seems to accept that answer and doesn’t pry any further. The rest of the evening goes well. Rodney has fun, but he can’t wait to go back to John’s room and listen to his song.

 

Maybe tonight is the night John will come back. He waits up in bed as long as he can keep his eyes open but John does not return.  
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	16. Rodney learns why John really left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney has a surprise planned for John's return, but he'd never have guessed how far John would actually go for him... the things he would do to make everything right for Rodney again._  
> .

.  
. 

 

Days go by. Too many. If Rodney wasn’t a mathematician, maybe he would have lost count by now. John said he'd be gone about a month. It is 4 days into week 5 now. Something must be wrong. If John was going to come back, he would have already. 

 

Carson always assures Rodney that John will be back soon. Of course Dave is great, but Rodney doesn’t want to give the impression that he and John are anything more than close friends.

 

Strangely, Rodney finds himself confiding in Daniel about his fears. Daniel is actually really kind and patient with him when Rodney isn’t placing him under constant verbal attack. As it turns out he and Daniel have quite a bit in common and Rodney is surprised that he has come to enjoy his company at work. 

 

Even though John didn’t bring Daniel and Vala to Atlantis, he brought Jeanie and Dave… Workout sessions with Teyla… Rodney feels John’s protective presence still around him, creating an environment where Rodney feels safe, surrounded by friends and family. 

 

.  
. 

 

When the call finally comes in, that John and Ronan are on their way back, Rodney is out on the pier, introducing Dave to one of his brother's favorite pastimes. The two of them race to the hangar bay and find Jennifer already waiting. Rodney’s heart is pounding. He was an ear splitting grin. He can hardly wait to see the Jumper descend. He watches for the ceiling door to retract, afraid that if he takes his eyes away he will miss it. 

 

While Jennifer talks to Dave, Rodney starts reciting Pi in his mind to calm himself down. Finally, there is some movement and the ceiling opens. The little Jumper is there, gliding down gently until it touches the floor. The back hatch opens. And he is here at last.  
Rodney’s heart flips when he sees John’s face. He barely notices as Jennifer rushes past him to kiss Ronan. 

 

All he can see is the man he loves. John’s eyes are heavy with love. He sets down the gear in his arms and closes the distance between. John pulls Rodney into him like he has been starving for him. 

 

Rodney’s body knows just how to fit with John and he curls every part of himself into him. He holds him tight and breathes into John’s neck. Mmm, that smell he has missed, like clean summer air with a hint of Aqua Velva. 

 

He remembers that Dave is here and he should let go, but John doesn’t, so he lets himself hold onto this feeling. Love, there is so much love he feels, it is splitting his chest open, Rodney can hardly take it. 

 

“Dave!” John finally notices and steps forward. John clasps Dave into a warm but much shorter hug. 

 

Ronan is carrying a laughing Jennifer off in his arms. 

 

“Ronan.” Rodney waves, “Good to see you!” 

 

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* * *

.  
. 

 

John clasps both of his boys around the shoulders, “What do say we go get some beers!” 

 

Dave and Rodney laugh. 

 

“We were just doing that.” Rodney explains. 

 

“Oh, no.” John smirks, “Rodney with more than one beer? Watch out.” 

 

They head out to the pier and drink some more. The three of them talk. John doesn’t speak about his trip but enjoys hearing stories about what Dave and Rodney have been doing over the last few weeks. 

 

Rodney seems pretty tipsy by the end of the evening. When they walk back John wraps his arm around Rodney to steady him. They see Dave off and head back to John’s quarters. 

 

Before John opens the door, Rodney stops him, “I was planning to clean up, sorry. I’ve actually been sleeping in here so…” 

 

John waves the door open and steps in. He takes in the messy space, filled with Rodney’s clothes and his. The laptops, the gadgets. Rodney has moved the comforter to this small bed. One of John’s long-sleeved black tees is on a pillow. r39; 

 

“Sorry.” Rodney takes the mess in as well. 

 

“No.” John shakes his head happily, “It’s perfect. I like it. It’s you.” 

 

“Oh Rodney,” John sits on the side of the bed smiling ear to ear, “it’s so good to be back home with you.” 

 

Settling onto the bed next to him, Rodney confesses, “I’ve missed you like crazy. I felt like I was losing it.” 

 

John kisses it away and makes is better. 

 

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* * *

.  
. 

 

Oh it has been so long since Rodney felt those pouty lips. He can’t get enough. Breathless, between kisses he tells John, “I did something else… while you were gone...I made you something” 

 

“You made me something?” John smiles with his whole face, “I made you something too.” 

 

“Yeah,” Rodney is bashful, “I don’t know if you’ll like it…” 

 

“I’ll like it.” John looks boyish and thrilled. 

 

“Okay” Rodney gets up off the bed. He walks to the far wall conjoining the rooms, before the balcony. 

 

He looks at the wall back at John, “This has all kinds of settings, so it is very secure, but for now it’s just….” Rodney waves his hand over a light fixture and the wall opens into an open panel between the two rooms. 

 

John stands up in shock and walks toward it. 

 

“I had reroute all kinds of conducts and do some light welding, but... viola” Rodney points but to his quarters, It is just as neat in there as John left it. 

 

Walking into Rodney’s room, John is wide-eyed. He crosses the threshold again back into his own quarters, “Rodney, you’re a genius.” 

 

“You like it?” Rodney asks nervously. 

 

“I love it” John takes him in his arms kisses him soundly. 

 

“Oh good, ‘cause, I kind of moved us in together without asking.” 

 

“Now it’s our place.” John tells him as he kisses the sensitive spot behind Rodney’s ear. 

 

Rodney giggles as John’s whiskers tickles his neck. “What did you make me?” He asks. 

 

“Awww.” John tosses his head to one side, “You know, it’s nothing. Not compared to what you did.” 

 

“But I want it.” Rodney pouts. “I’ve waited all this time for my reward.” 

 

“Then you’re going to be disappointed.” John makes a face. 

 

“Never. I already have everything I want.” 

 

John reaches into one of bags and pulls out a little box. He sits in end of the bed with crossed legs but his face look more serious than he has been since he got back. Rodney sits down across from him and gives John has undivided attention. 

 

“See these?” pulls out his dog tags from under his shirt and sets the box in his lap for a moment. 

 

Rodney nods. 

 

“They’re fakes. I got them make while I gone. They are very good fakes, the military would never know.” 

 

“Oh?” Rodney isn’t sure where this is going. 

 

Looking pensive John picks up the box, “In here, are my real tags. The ones I’ve been wearing since I was a kid. The ones that have been with me through everything for the last 20 years.” 

 

As he opens the box, Rodney peers in to see a pair of well worn dog tags. 

 

“I know it’s not a ring or anything but...” John picks them up thoughtfully, “these are part of me, and they are supposed to belong to my family. -Not that I’m going anywhere- I’m not. I just, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone having these but you. You’re my family and wanted to give them to you before I’m old and useless and I forget what they were for.” 

 

Rodney’s lower lip slowly pushes itself out as John is talking. His eyes get glassy. As John stops speaking and offers them up to Rodney, a few tears spill from his eyes. 

 

“Oh Mere, I’m sorry, don’t cry.” John moves into Rodney, touching his face. 

 

“No. It’s wonderful.” Rodney shakes his head, “It’s so sweet… Just so sweet.” 

 

“Not bad?” John kisses away the stray tears. 

 

“No. Good…” Rodney shakes his head again and smiles, “The sweetest thing anyone ever gave me.” 

 

John gazes at Rodney with love and tenderness, like he is looking for approval. Then he seems to see what he is looking for. He gingerly lifts the chain around Rodney’s neck and then tucks them under his shirt. His hand stay, resting on the tags, just over Rodney’s heart. 

 

Breathing deeply Rodney can feel John’s warmth, almost as if John’s entire presence radiating through his chest. 

 

Rodney climbs onto John’s lap and finds his lips, telling him, “You’re mine.” 

 

“I’m yours.” John nods, his eyes full of surrender. 

 

He takes John’s mouth fully in his. He takes all the kisses he has been missing the last 5 weeks. He makes John feel how strong he is now; he makes John give himself to Rodney utterly. He takes enough until is dizzy, sleepy, and sated. 

 

Then Rodney grabs onto the front of John’s shirt and pulls him off the bed, the way John had pulled Rodney that day on the Daedalus. Grabbing the comforter in one arm, he pulls John through the panel door into the bigger bed. Using his remaining strength to adjust the bedding, he reaches for John and pulls him down onto it. They collapse into each other and he is drunk with the wonderful feeling of being tangled up in John. 

 

.  
. 

 

Rodney wakes screaming, “Oh God! NO! NO! Please?! Oh God. Please stop, please stop!” This time he isn’t alone. 

 

“You’re safe, Mere.” John’s arms close around him, stopping the shaking, “You’re always going to be safe now.” 

 

Whimpering into John, he wonders when this is going to stop. He is so tired of this. When will they stop hurting him? He chokes, biting back the nausea. 

 

John rubs Rodney’s back and tightens his hold on Rodney, “They’re all dead, Mere. Every last one of them. They can’t ever come for you ever again.” 

 

He shakes into John, letting the spasms pass. When his breathing starts to return to normal he hears John’s words. 

 

“Wait… What do you mean, dead?” 

 

There is an edge in John’s voice arms and his strong arms squeeze him, “I mean, I killed them. I killed them dead. I killed them all. I took them out, one by one. And now they can’t ever hurt you again.” 

 

“What…?” Rodney gasps and lets John stroke his back. He still feels so dizzy, “You… Is this serious?” 

 

“Very serious.” John rasps, “That’s why I had to go. It’s what I had to do.” 

 

“You left… to go kill them?” Rodney feels floaty. 

 

“All of them. I had to get all 5.” John’s voice sounds dark and cruel, “They did not die well.” 

 

“I, Oh.” Rodney gives an involuntary shudder, “I never asked… You didn’t have to-” 

 

“Yes, Rodney, I had to.” John cuts him off, “At least for me. I had to do something about my own nightmares.” r39; 

 

“And did it help?” He sags into John’s arms. 

 

“Yeah. It really did.” John sounds relieved. 

 

Rodney clings onto John, “Tell me again?” 

 

John pets Rodney and murmurs, “Mmm. I went after those fucking bastards. I hunted them and took them down one by one, I made them hurt while I watched them die. I took their lives from them, watched them take their last breaths. 

 

Those men were savage mercenaries, demons that enjoyed torture, twisting the life out of people. So I twisted the life out of them. And then Ronan helped me get rid of the bodies. No one will even miss them. 

 

They needed killing and I killed them good. Good and dead so they can’t come back for you. Or anybody else. Whatever you see in your dreams, Mere, they are only ghosts now. They can’t touch you. You’re free.” 

 

He doesn't why this macabre lullaby feels so good. He lies down and rests his head on John’s shoulder. As John pets his head, he begs John to tell him one last time. John recounts the short tale again and Rodney drifts into a peaceful sleep to the sound of his voice  
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	17. It feels like Rodney has come back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John's pleased at how well Rodney's adjusted to the changes on Atlantis, all the new faces and social interactions. But really he can't wait to be alone again, just the two of them in that big bed._  
> .

.  
. 

When Rodney wakes in the morning he wonders if it was all a dream. He feels around his neck and finds the dog tags. Then John steps out of the shower and Rodney’s heart soars. 

 

He leaps out of bed and asks, “Will you wait for me?” 

 

John smiles and nods while he hunts for his clothes. He puts on one of Rodney’s blue shirts and some of his briefs. Before John heads to his own room for the rest of his outfit, he stops Rodney on the way to the shower, “Mere.” 

 

“Yes?” Rodney waits.

 

“We can never speak of what I did.” John’s eyes are piercing, “Not with anyone. Do you understand?” 

 

Rodney’s mouth falls open as he nods. None of it had been a dream. He returns to the solemn gaze and verbalizes, “Never. With anyone.” 

 

John’s face softens and leaves Rodney to his shower. Alone with his thoughts, Rodney feels guilty for how much he resented this ‘trip’ John had gone on with Ronan. He had imagined them surfing in South Africa, not stalking the men who had raped and tortured him. 

 

Regardless of what he had told Rodney, John had not left for himself. He had taken revenge for Rodney to make him feel safe. It chills him to remember that John is trained to be a ruthless killer.

 

On some level, over the years Rodney has always known John was protecting him. As scared as Rodney had been on some of those missions, he had known that John was looking after him a little more than anyone else. 

 

For Rodney, the worst times had not been his own fear, but when John had been in danger or presumed dead. Rodney had felt completely helpless. He supposes that is how John must have felt when he was powerless to do anything to help Rodney or stop what was happening to him. 

 

John had needed to make things right. He had tended to Rodney and nursed him back to health, and then he had gone after the men who had hurt him and destroyed them. 

 

Every time he thinks about them… Dead. Destroyed. Gone… He feels better -lighter and happier. Like John was an extension of his own hand, reaching out and snuffing the life out of them, taking back whatever they stole. Rodney feels stronger and far less afraid. 

 

When he gets out of the shower, John is sitting on a chair waiting for him. Rodney gazes at him with love, “Em?” 

 

John turns his head toward Rodney. 

 

“Thank you.” He says deeply.

 

John starts to say something dismissive but Rodney stops him with a hand on his shoulder. John’s expression changes when he sees the dire expression on Rodney’s face.  
Rodney holds his eyes for a long time to make sure John understands, “Thank you.” 

 

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* * *

.  
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Giving a barely perceptible nod, John just presses his lips together. 

 

As Rodney gets dressed, John takes in how much Rodney has changed; John had been shocked when he first saw Rodney in the Jumper coming back. In his mind, Rodney was still the same guy he always knew. When John had been here with Rodney before, the changes had been gradual so he hadn’t seen it objectively. 

 

Coming back had been a shock, to see Rodney so small, it had scared him. But now he can see that Rodney is actually stronger than when he left him. He has lost weight, too much John thinks. But he has taken on a lot of muscle, even since John left. He seems stronger emotionally too. 

 

It’s intangible but John feels like Rodney has finally come back to him. When Rodney is done dressing he tells John that they should take the time to make separate entrances, since that is the point. John returns to his own room. Rodney locks the panel behind him, and John exits his own door to meet Rodney in the hall.

 

On the way to eat, Rodney tells John that he should prepare himself for some changes since Teyla went off active duty. Daniel Jackson and someone he met once, Vala Mal Doran, have joined Atlantis. 

 

“Really? John knows how Rodney feels about Daniel, “How is that going?” 

 

“I’m fine with it” Rodney shrugs, “We’re actually kind of friendly now… but it gets pretty crazy in the cafeteria these days.” 

 

“Define crazy?” 

 

“Oh, it’s good.” Rodney assures him, “Just a lot of people crowded into one table.” 

 

“And you’re okay with that?” John asks.

 

“Yeah. Totally.” Rodney smiles.

 

He wishes could show Rodney how proud he feels of him right now, but John keeps a professional distance. The two of them get their food and he spots Dave at a very crowded table. Dave is sitting with Jennifer, Ronan, Carson, Daniel, and a familiar looking woman for must be Vala. John and Rodney squeeze in across from Dave and Carson. 

 

“You know” Rodney tells him, “Your brother has actually gotten quite chummy with my pal Carson while you were gone.” 

 

“That so Dave?” John is amused.

 

Dave points a thumb at Carson, “He’s actually a pretty fine fisherman.” 

 

John gives nod of respect. 

 

“You have a fine brother here, John.” Carson compliments.

 

“Unlike this guy.” Dave gestures to Rodney, “Can’t play chess to save his life.” 

 

“Beat him every time.” Rodney tells John with a mild roll of the eyes.

 

“But didn’t I hear something about how you cheat?” Dave asks.

 

“If you call using your brain cheating, then...Yes, I cheated.” Rodney snorts.

 

“Dave how much longer are you staying?” John questions.

 

“Well, I have to leave in couple days to take care of some old business, but I was thinking, if you’d be willing, maybe I could use your ranch to work more locally. That way I could come visit more often.” 

 

“Sure, I’ll give you the keys.” John is cheerful, “Just make me some spares.” 

 

“Ranch?” Rodney turns to John.

 

“It’s property that has been in the family for years.” Dave explains, “My Mom’s side. Dad gave it to John in the will. It’s pretty nice.” 

 

Dave redirects to John, “Have you been out there yet since it was deeded to you?” 

 

“No, I haven’t had the time.” John admits.

 

“It’s huge,” Dave tells Rodney, “quite a few different houses on the same property. Big enough to have all your friends come for a visit.” 

 

Rodney has a neutral expression on his face, as if he doesn’t know why Dave is telling him about this. 

 

Dave looks at John again, “You have a really nice group of friends here. It’s been lovely getting to know them all.” 

 

“Thanks. I think they’re pretty awesome.” John feels touched.

 

“Ooo.” Vala smiles, waving her hand in the air, “Especially me.” 

 

“Um,” John smiles at his brother, “that’s the one person here I don’t really know.” 

 

She extends her graceful arm, “Vala Mal Doran, pleased to meet you, again.” 

 

John shakes he hand as she explains, “We met over a briefing on chichuchua and St. Bernar-.” 

 

“She’s actually great, like, hysterically funny.” Jennifer shouts an endorsement from the far side of the table.

 

Vala coyly folds her hands under her chins and smiles at John, “You’re going to love me. I just know it.” 

 

“Well, I guess we’ll see, won’t we”. John raises his eyebrows with a wry expression.

 

“You’ll see.” Vala pops a grape in her mouth confidently. 

 

Daniel leans over to John, “Sometimes she comes on a bit strong, but she does grow on you.” 

 

“Daniel!” Vala takes a humorously hurt expression and hits Daniel on the shoulder, “I was making a perfectly wonderful impression.” 

 

With a bemused expressed, John calls down table to Ronan, “How doing down there, big guy?” 

 

“Mmm.” Ronan nods with a mouthful of food.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Dave says, “I remember meeting him before.” 

 

“He’s, he’s kind like my Chewie.” John explains.

 

“I never know what that means.” Ronan yells.

 

“Oh. Oh. I do.” Vala raises her hand.

 

No one asks her to explain and John makes a face at Dave, letting him know to keep it that way, “He’s not from around here.” 

 

“Still trying to get used to the idea,” Dave looks perplexed, “Pegasus Galaxy, right?” 

 

“So many movie references to make up for.” Rodney adds wistfully.

 

“Hey,” Ronan defends himself, “I’ve seen, like, a ton of your movies.” 

 

“Ah, but it takes a lifetime.” John laughs, “Don’t worry, We’ll get you there, buddy.” 

 

The group starts to talk about movies, though Vala and Ronan insist they keep it to references they will understand. Vala has seen surprising number of movies and TV shows. 

 

“So, wait.” Dave stops her, “You’re an alien too?” 

 

“Well, technically.” Vala postures, “But Milky Way, so we’re practically neighbors.” 

 

Dave shakes his head at John and the banter continues. 

 

Once everyone is leaving Dave asks John if they can spend some time together alone tomorrow and catch up before he goes. 

 

“Of course.” John tells him warmly.

 

.  
.

 

When morning comes John feels especially rested. He stretches and pulls Rodney into spoon with him. Rodney makes a happy sleepy noise and complies. 

 

It is early but John isn’t tired. He spends his time stroking Rodney’s head and kissing his neck lightly. God. He loves him so much. Why did it take him so long to hold Rodney like this? 

Suddenly the thought hits him that Rodney didn’t scream in the night. John would have known. He knows instantly, his body expects it, even when he is in a deep sleep. Could it be that Rodney slept through the night? 

 

“Mere?” John is too excited to wait. He shakes Rodney lightly.

 

“Mmm.” 

 

“Did you sleep through the night?” John asks cautiously.

 

“Mmm... “ Rodney rouses himself to think about it, he moves against John. Then Rodney goes still, “Yes.” 

 

Rodney turns to face John, “Oh. That’s hasn’t happened yet. That’s got to be a good sign.” 

 

“Very good.” John is thrilled.

 

“Still tired though” Rodney yawns.

 

John lets Rodney stretch out over his chest, he pets Rodney’s head while he goes back to sleep. But John’s mind is alive and dancing, thinking about everything from that day to next year. It all just seems more hopeful right now.  
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	18. Okay. Okay to everything.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _After everything Dave's done, coming out here to look after Rodney while John was away, apologizing for the past, and the kind things he's said about Rodney ...John lets his guard down and decides to really trust his brother._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

Later that day, Dave takes a walk to the pier with John and a handful of beers. He remarks, “It’s beautiful out here. Atlantis, everything, I can see why you do it.”

 

“Did you mean what you said about staying at the ranch part time?” John squints at him.

 

“I did.” He tells him.

 

“Cool.” John smiles.

 

He tosses Dave the keys and Dave returns the sentiment, “Cool.”

 

They look out over the water for a while drinking.

 

John breaks the silence, “I wanted to say thanks. For everything. For making it all happen, coming down here helping Rodney. It means… a lot to me.”

 

“Well, I care a lot about you and…” Dave tries to find the words, “he means a lot to you, so…”

 

John says silent, just drinking his beer.

 

“I’m sorry about some of things I said in the past…” Dave tries again, “like about you not being normal-”

 

“That’s the past,” John waves his hand, “it’s over.”

 

“Well,” Dave ventures, “I don’t just want to be past. I want it to be...different, healed. So I need to say I’m sorry. I’m not same person I was 20 years ago. I would never think that now.”

 

“Okay.” John has an affable expression on his face, the kind Rodney told Dave that John uses to hide behind, “It’s fine.”

 

Dave wants to win back his brother’s trust. He doesn't know if it is possible. Maybe he doesn’t deserve it, but he has to try. He’s not used to talking to people like this, but this trip to Atlantis… No, it’s John. John’s life, John’s world, it has inspired Dave to want to go deeper.

 

After Dad had died, Dave had realized just how alone he was in the world. The connection he had found with John after the wake was the most real, most honest thing he’d felt in years. He has a chance to have his brother back and he didn’t want it to slip through his fingers.

 

He takes a breath, “John, I think you are a really fine man. A very honorable man, someone I look up to.”

 

John bites his lip looking puzzled.

 

“I know in the past I didn’t treat you that way but I want you know that I respect you immensely.”

 

“Um, thanks. You too.” John chews on his lip.

 

“I know…” Dave tries to go deeper, “I know you love him. And I think he’s wonderful too. Anyone that you love that much has got to be. And I accept- not that’s the wrong word. I mean, I embrace him as I would any person that was such a big part of your life. Thank you for trusting me enough to be a part of your world, to take care of the person you treasure most.”

 

John’s face has changed. It reminds Dave of how John used to look as a kid when he wanted Dave’s approval. John swallows hard but doesn’t speak.

 

“He was really careful. Dave continues, “you know, not to say anything that might be misconstrued. But John, you practically told me who he was to you, how important he was to you, without saying it, literally. And then I got to know him, and it’s so obvious how deep it is with you two. I wished I could have told him to stop being so careful.”

 

Remembering how Rodney’s sister had touched his arm and welcomed him to the family. He offers, “I’d like to be more welcoming to him.”

 

“I don’t want him to get hurt.” John’s voice is tight.

 

Of course, John would want to protect Rodney from the kinds of things he had said before. Dave feels sad. But that was so long ago. His voice is small, “I’m not like that anymore, John. I’m not small-minded or afraid or hateful.”

 

His voice chokes up, “I just want a chance to be a part of your life.” He clears his throat, “I didn’t deserve it then, but if I could have a chance to show you that I’ve changed… I-”

 

Dave feels his younger brother’s arms wrap around him in a fierce hug.

 

“Okay. Okay to everything.” John sounds emotional.

 

Beer in hand, Dave’s body slumps forward with his legs hanging over the pier. John is holding onto him and he is just sitting here. It reminds Dave of when John was a little boy and he would try to hug onto Dave’s legs. Dave had always pushed him away.

 

Now Dave pushes himself back awkwardly to return the hug. John is letting go. But Dave reaches around and clasps onto him for dear life. He needs John to know he isn’t rejecting him.

 

“Thank you.” He hoarsely whispers. And as John hugs him back, he still seems very much like a little kid to Dave.

 

That night is filled with a busy social buzz so Dave does not get a chance to say anything to Rodney. He doesn’t even know what he would say. The following morning comes and goes and it is time for him to go.

 

John and Rodney walk him to the Jumper bay and Dave impulsively asks if can talk to them. John gestures to private alcove off of the main hallway. Dave’s mouth is dry, he looks at John and John gives him a nod of approval.

 

“I just wanted to say…” Dave begins, “Rodney, it has been really great getting to know you. I have been duly charmed and I…”

 

Rodney looks stunned as Dave takes his hands, “I just wanted to say, welcome to the family.”

 

Blinking rapidly, Rodney stares at him and then looks to John. John gives Rodney the same look of approval.

 

Rodney looks truly touched by what Dave said, “Thank you, I feel the same way, I-”

 

Dave clasps Rodney into a warm hug.

 

“Oh.” Rodney is taken by surprise, but he hugs Dave back affectionately.

 

Then three of them walk to hangar bay and promise to see each other again soon. Dave gives one final goodbye hug to John, feeling so close to his bother and so grateful for the connection.

 

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______________________________________  
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Alone in the hangar bay, Rodney tells John, “That was unexpected.”

 

“Not really.” John smiles.

 

Rodney looks at John’s face. He is beaming and his eyes sparkle.

 

“I’ve never really had a family before,” John takes Rodney’s hand, “to welcome someone into to, it’s kinda cool,”

 

He squeezes John’s hand in his, “What Dave said about welcoming me to the family… it’s something Jeannie said to him before she left. I didn’t think he picked up on it. She tried to cover her tracks by making up something about how it was just a Canadian saying.”

 

“Jeanie welcomed my brother into her –into your family?” John’s eyebrows perk up.

 

“Yep.” Rodney smiles, “Right after she told him she didn’t care how much money he made…”

 

John chuckles and Rodney continues, “Uh, sorry, there are times when she and I are just a little too much alike.”

 

“I think he loved every minute of it.” John lets go Rodney’s hand and runs his hands up Rodney’s back.

 

Oh. He has missed this so much. Rodney pulls into John and lets his wander up under John’s shirt to feel his chest, “Oh, that’s right. You gave him a handbook on how to handle the McKays’ and keep your sanity.”

 

“Mmm.” John seems distracted by Rodney’s hand on his chest, “Only a small handbook.”

 

Suddenly, Rodney pulls his hand back and looks around the empty hanger bay, “Sorry, I should be more careful, I’ve just missed you so much.”

 

“Me too, Mere…” John nods and stands a lazy distance from Rodney, “So your quarters or mine?”

 

They both start walking their way back to their quarters, keeping a reasonable distance between then without answering the irrelevant question.  
Anxious to tell John about his slip up with Daniel and Vala and get it over with, Rodney tells him in a low voice, “So it seems like a lot of people are finding out about us… How are you doing with that?”

 

“It’s little scary”. John keeps his voice to a whisper, even though no one is around.

 

Looking around the empty corridors, John continues, “I’m always afraid that we’re really obvious. I try to act the way I always did, but I’m not always aware of how I am around you, it can be kind of be overwhelming.”

 

“Yeah.” Rodney feels small, “Maybe we need to set up some rules or guidelines... “

 

He gets a dismissive look from John in reply.

 

“Well, something happened to me while you were gone. I fucked up a bit.” He admits.

 

John stops walking and gives Rodney a serious look.

 

He feels horrible, like he wants to crawl inside himself but he keeps talking, “Well, Vala was teasing me, she said knew about our secret love, I got really upset and told her to be quiet or you could get court marshaled.

 

It turns out she was joking –who even jokes about something like that- but Daniel heard too. They were really apologetic afterwards and promised no one would ever know… But… Now they know too.”

 

“Let’s go.” John eyes go round and dark; he starts walking again at brisk pace.

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* * *

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ALMOST THERE! 

**Click to the next section for a sex scene.**

This consummation and many more follow in the next chapters as John and Rodney finally enjoy some long overdue happiness in their relationship :)

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End file.
